Your Hidden Hurts Need to be Shared

Thank You Pamela for opening the door to sharing.

There are many “young” women in our generation and earlier generations who experienced situations like you and have kept them secret since “they asked for it”. In a time when women were empowered to choose to make their own decisions and life choices , many “males” continued to believe they had the right and duty to keep women “in their place”, subservient to them. These “males” (I use “males” for these people since they lacked the qualities that come with being a “man) feared the movement. They used, not only sexual , but verbal and emotional abuse to maintain their control over women.

The freedom of a women to choose their clothing, shoes and accessories, decide if they wore makeup or not, the length and style of their hair, choices that men made for them in the past, were now theirs along with many other choices. Their choice of who they would have a relationship with, along with any other choice, empowered women and boosted their independence.

I enjoyed having women as friends, being able to go out together as friends and not having to worry they were “snagging a husband!” (my humor) We had conversations that did not include the crude, demeaning and objectifying language I often heard with men.

The downside of this freedom was its abuse by the same male mentality it was intended to break away from. The “Women’s rights” movement of the 70's was referred to, by these abusive males as the “free and easy” movement. It was seen by these males to as a time for an “easy score”(which I found disgusting). It was not a problem with the women or the movement. It was the continuing problem of “males” abusing women.

I have had many friends over the years who were women, actually most of them. We had open conversations, they could talk about anything with me. When I was in a group of women and someone new joined the conversation, one of the other women would say, “Its OK, he’s one of the girls” and the conversation would continue. Being “one of the girls” wasn’t offensive to me, it was a way they could say I could be trusted.

During these conversations or in one on one conversations that followed, someone often started to share their experience of abuse with me. I listened, provided the Kleenex for both of us, told them it was not their fault and that there are many “males” who are real “men”. At times when words could not express feelings, there were shared tears. When I had a chance I would ask for forgiveness as a representative for all men for the abuse, pain and behavior another male had put her through. The response was often “I can’t”. I would tell her “It wasn’t your fault. Its OK if you can’t forgive the person or people for the abuse. If she was open to it, I would ask if she understood it wasn’t her fault. If she did I would ask if she could forgive herself for the blame and guilt she took on. The answer may have been the same “I can’t”. The conversation itself was sometimes the first time they shared. It lifted a bit of the pain and hurt knowing they didn’t have to keep the secret.

I am just a person who cares. Asking someone to forgive themselves sounds like you are heaping guilt on them, but it is the opposite. I learned to forgive myself years ago. I believed many things were my fault; my parents divorce, my brother hating me, my mother disowning me (Yes, she did), the emotional/physical abuse as a child, choosing the wrong career (not what others expected) and an almost endless list of others.

I attended a seminar, while in college, where one topic was “forgiving yourself”. Four of us went out to a quiet spot near the river after the session to try this. Once I started forgiving myself, the tears came. Of course, as college students, the 4 of us had to take care of everything at once. We shared, cried and held each other and as the first light of a new day appeared, we headed back to our dorms with a new sense of freedom.

I never forgot that night and the power of forgiveness. I was free from things I should never have taken on. Plus, it was cheaper than the antidepressants I would have eventually needed.

I share this because I still see the pain many women and men my age are carrying. It has been way too many years to carry all that alone. It is time to share with someone you trust and will understand or a counselor and forgive yourself and if you can those who hurt you. If nothing else, write down those hurts you feel guilty for on a piece of paper and forgive yourself for them. It may take a while for you to forgive yourself, but make it memorable by shredding the paper, tearing it into little pieces and throwing it away or if you have a safe place, burn it. That way you have a visual reminder that you forgave yourself.

FYI: You don’t have to believe in God or have any type of faith to do this. It is a principle that works for anyone. I believe there are some things that are easier to forgive if you believe in a God who forgives, but it is not a requirement.