I’ve been listening a lot to the Arctic Monkeys latest album, AM. There is something in its beats that embraces me too hard and, although, it happens very often that I get complete albums stuck into my head, there is something very different about this one. Maybe I am being too cheesy about it; cheesy and predictable and cliché, but I guess what captivates me the most is the way they talk about love. The purpose of music, we would agree. Further on, I truly wonder if this feeling of belonging, identification, understanding or even company we feel when music hits the right and most dangerous point of our emotions… is it really us relating to something we think it’s right or is it the ability of the artists of connecting with their audience. Do we really feel that identified all the time?
I don’t wanna sound either heartbroken or hurt, but the reflections that these sounds have brought to my head are getting slowly unavoidable.
I spent most of 2013 away from love, being single. It was very rough in the beginning, but with time passing and the unbelievably fantastic amount of work I had, I soon had less and less time to spend wondering what went wrong. Nevertheless, I had to mentally find a new subject of entertainment for my leisure time. I went through several phases of misanthropy, nothing really weird for me, haha. I hated everyone, but not really. I started to shut my mouth more and started listening more. Observing others. Evaluating my actions too. I became very introspective.
Secrets I have held in my heart
Are harder to hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
I wanna be yours
I wanna be yours
In the course of the year, I kinda lost many people. Acquaintances I wasn’t really excited about becoming friends with, friends that started to seem less interesting to me every other time and strangers who I didn’t really have the time or the intention to get to know or anything… My closest circle of people heavily shrunk into a few, the time went by and nothing really changed from that.
By the end of the year, I looked around and found the best group of people I could’ve ever wished for. I felt like I naturally filtered these others that weren’t fulfilling everything. I don’t want to sound too cocky, but I kind of got tired of the superficiality of people and, now that I think about it, there were too many of them in my life.
I haven’t felt lonely in a lot of time. I’m living an amazing ‘catch me if you can’ kinda lifestyle. I do a lot of stuff, I hang out with friends all the time, I love my job, I love the city I’m living in… I’m just really enjoying pretty much everything. Everything, but this odd feeling inside about other people.
It’s funny how not long ago, I started to spot more attractive people down the street than I usually do. Where are these pretty people coming from, I wondered. Then I thought, maybe people are taking better care of themselves. But both theories were wrong, because irregardless of anything anyone could say, I think it’s merely the human desire of finding another mate… to mate.
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots babe
I just wanna be yours
The queer drama comes included. I’ve been gay since forever. I’ve been out of the closet since almost forever, dated a lot of people and had the best boyfriends, word. But this existential crisis I’ve undergone, this existential crisis I truly hope ends soon, has made me see the worst in others. The gays started to seem so grotesquely shallow, I couldn’t take it anymore. I have a lot of fantastic gay friends, and it’d be ridiculous if I had anything against other gay guys, but I just couldn’t take any other conversation that couldn’t go further than pop divas, drag queen shows, Grindr and shopping. I genuinely got so annoyed and irritated. And it’s not that I wanna talk about nuclear science or global warming all the time, topics that, by the way, are of a lot of interest to me, but I feel pretty much left out when I haven’t listened to any of Beyoncé’s new material since… ever, or when I have to explain myself about why I do not possess a gay Touch-And-Go App on my phone. I feel pretty left out and mostly unnecessarily judged by the fact I don’t worship a female singer nor I hate any of the others, by my lack of interest in showing up at gay clubs, by my ignorance of the latest and alarming misanthropy against what the gay community usually calls basic bitches.
Sadly, I feel left out not because of my desire to fill into any of these stereotypes, if that’s what they are, but because of the fact that I don’t seem to fit in any other gay guy concept of interesting person. How am I supposed to make new friends if I’m not as fun or wild or out there like I’m supposed to be by the universal gay law? You’d say that I am just stereotyping others, that gays aren’t always like that, or that I am just looking for excuses to keep people away. And although there may be a point in that last idea, I can’t help feeling like a misfit.
Now, you do the math about how many people hate me because I sound so uptight to them. And I do probably to you too, my beloved readers, but I can’t but promise you my feelings go nowhere near there.
Going back to the human desires, and having unsuccessfully tried to explain myself, it seems like my luck in the matters of love has left me for good. I keep setting eyes on gorgeous people I’m invisible to, straight guys, guys that already have boyfriends or food, alcohol and weed. Good thing is that I don’t ever get excited anymore about unnecessary butterflies in my tummy but it is yet very frustrating to feel like losing the point of socializing.
There was this time, between the ages of around 15 and 20, when me and my friends used to go out 2 or 3 nights a week. Clubbing, dancing, etc, but at some point down the road something changed. It wasn’t that fun anymore… and it’s something we all agreed. Gladly those friends are still around… but what happened? Did we grow up and became boring people? Did we just change? Did we just grow up?
We used to meet a lot of people all the time. Now it seems like that out of every person I meet… I don’t really like many of them. And I really like meeting new people… Ugh, it’s so frustrating!
Let me be your ‘leccy meter
And I’ll never run out
Let me be the portable heater
That you’ll get cold without
The other day, I was talking to this red haired guy I love (Yes, I love gingers), and while I was lost starting at his beauty, I couldn’t avoid facing the fact that, during this last year, I’ve only liked the wrong guys. I have only liked the wrong guys.
In the remoteness, I find myself listening to these tunes that make me think about love, about my ex boyfriend, about the disappointment I strongly feel about the human race, the amazing friends I have, the grateful I feel about everything I’ve achieved this year, about the songs… so many songs.
In my reflections, I’ve ascribed this issue to a massive existential crisis I’ve seen among other people in their early 20s: The chase of a fulfillment, to belong somewhere… to belong with someone.
So is it really the age that has changed the way I see everything and everyone; the way I feel about others. What is this change?
I wanna be your setting lotion
Hold your hair in deep devotion
At least as deep as the Pacific Ocean
I wanna be yours
I Wanna Be Yours is a balad based on the poem of the same name, written in the early 80's by British poet John Cooper Clarke. It somehow reminds me of the song If…, included in the 1997 album A Short Album About Love by The Divine Comedy. You know, those songs about deep mad love… that deep mad love I seem to have forgotten about.