Loving yourself

I used to wake up day after day and look in the mirror and all I’d see is flaws. Not skinny enough, too tall, double chin, acne, fat thighs, weird feet, awkward smile… I would go on for minutes. Then, when I got ready I would spend hours trying to find an outfit that hid all of my insecurities. I wasn’t someone who used makeup and when I do it was natural looking so I wasn’t trying to cake on a new face or anything, I accepted that it wouldn’t change anything so there was no point in even trying.

People would tell me I was a natural beauty, that my body was healthy, I was pretty inside and out and should be confident in who I am. That was all lovely for them to say and I accepted their compliments and they all thought I was just modest, they didn’t know that I didn’t know how to love myself.

I was teased for short haircuts that made me look like a boy, I didn’t have the designer jeans or huge closet like other kids, I didn’t hit my awkward stage and puberty until the middle of high school so I felt like I was just never going to grow into my height and I would always be the ugly duckling because I couldn’t see past my awkward phase. I was focused on the things I didn’t have that are associated with beauty in society (which was a lot of things at the time), instead of seeing who I am.

Before you can love yourself you need to recognize who you are, accept the things you are and are not, and then say, “screw it”. I did this every morning for a few months, as soon as I woke up I went over to the mirror and looked at my messy hair, my makeup-free face, and my body clad only in short-shorts and a sports bra. I would look at the things that stood out to me, which were things I disliked at first(stomach, thighs, smile, etc.), and then look for 3 things that I didn’t notice at first glance, which ended up being things I felt good about (my butt, chest, and eyes), and then I simply said, “Screw it. I am much more than those things that I dislike, I don’t want other people to define me by these things, so why do I let myself do exactly that?”… that’s how it was until about 2 weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, I noticed that I had fallen into some bad eating habits and hadn’t been exercising or doing things that mke me happy, like listening to music or reading books, laying outside in the sun, spending time with my family, reading blogs, etc. I had been consumed by my summer job working 30–40 hours a week. I work in fast food, so my hair was always greasy, I was too tired to make good food at the end of the day so I ate fast food instead, I had oily skin and bad acne, I was always too tired to do other things and I spent the day watching netflix in my bed or napping and working.

I decided to break the habits before they became worse and to start making some healthy habits like drinking more water instead of soda at work and not eating the food but bringing my own snacks, going for walks, writing about my progess on a blog to hold myself accountable, using a new acne scrub, waking up earlier and getting out of my room first thing in the morning, listening to music outside to enjoy myself, etc.

As soon as I started to make these changes one by one, my mirror talks in the morning changed. I started to notice the things I liked about myself more and more and it takes me a few minutes to point out things I dislike and those are becoming more minor and it’s a lot easier to say, “screw it,” and it changed to smiling and saying, “Screw it. I am beautiful and I love myself, all of me, and nobody can change that”.

All it took was saying, “screw it,” and by saying that I was making the decision to live for ME. Not for society, for a guy, or for anything else. I decided to be brave and become a stronger me by taking things into my own hands. It wasn’t close to easy, but by building healthier habits first and slowly, I was able to break out of the old habits which led me to a greater confidence and sense of accomplishment.

I am brave because I dared to say, “Screw it.”