How I fell off the non smoking wagon: and got back on again!

Why is it we enjoy the things in life that hurt us the most?

Let me start by saying this is not about condoning my poor choices in life. It’s about the things in life we do to ourselves and sometimes others that hurt, yet we get some kind of joy out of it. I know, I sound like I am making excuses or trying to justify abusive or negligent acts and behaviours, but I assure I am not!

A bit of back story …

I was a long time heavy smoker. Started around the age of thirteen, stealing smokes from my father’s pack when he was sleeping. By fifteen I was buying my own packs, yes, it was surprisingly very easy back in the day for a fifteen year old to buy a pack of cigarettes.

By the time I was in college I was smoking close to two packs a day. It’s crazy when you think about. But, it was more common than you think. I grew up in a smoking culture. Almost all my friends smoked and so did most of my family members. It’s just what we did. We all knew it was bad for us, but we simply didn’t care. And, in those small moments of clarity, where we would decide it was time to quit, somehow we just couldn’t muster the will power to go through with it.

What made quitting even more difficult was the constant peer pressure. If you decided to give it a go inevitably some schmuck would put a smoke in front of your face and say “Oh common, it’s just one. It’s a party …”.

I know what you’re thinking, “If everybody was jumping off a bridge would you do it too?”, well YES! That’s human nature. We pretend we wouldn’t, but we usually do. We often get caught up in the crowd and we just follow along seeking approval, or some other sinister motivation.

Most of us are weak. And that’s ok. That’s what makes life challenging. Breaking the norm. Pushing yourself to be different. Learning to look at yourself and own up to your faults and make a change.

Unfortunately many of us never will …

Moving forward … years later I got married and had two kids. I was still smoking and it was definitely taking a toll on me. I had smokers cough and my asthma, yes I have asthma, was getting worse. I finally decided to go see a doctor in my thirties and she basically told me straight up “Your on track to have emphysema in a few years. You are starting to show minor signs”. That scared the shit out of me!

I tried everything. Cold turkey. The patch. Gum. Prescription drugs. Hypnosis and acupuncture — seriously I did. And nothing worked. I would last few days, or few weeks if I was lucky. Once I made it a couple of months, but to no avail.

Then, one day online I came across e-cigarettes. Decided I’d give it a go. I remember when it finally arrived. It was small. Looked just like a cigarette. It even lit up at the end when I took a drag. I raced through the instructions, got it all setup, and took my first puff — bliss!

It really worked! I couldn’t believe it. It felt and even tasted a bit like a cigarette. I thought to my self “Finally, there’s some hope. This may just work!”.

Instantly I was addicted to vaping. So mush so that I began a vaping blog and YouTube tutorials. At one point I had the largest vaping blog in Canada. I was proud of what I had accomplished. I won’t get into the politics of vaping in this post, and you may disagree, but vaping has saved and will continue to save millions of lives. You can read more about my vaping story here.

So how did I fall off the wagon?

Back in February of 2017 I was on a business trip in California, not that location is essential, but being so far away from everything you know and being on your own makes you think. Something about a California sunset that inspires soul searching. While on this trip I fell off the non-smoking wagon after six plus years.

All it took was one night out under the palms, a cool desert breeze, and a happening outdoor bar where everyone was smoking. I may have had few margaritas, not that that is an excuse, but that’s all I needed. Suddenly some cute college girl is handing me a cigarette and I graciously accepted.

I thought nothing of it that night. The next morning however … I had an urge to smoke again and convinced my self it was ok because I was away on business. No biggy. I’ll buy a pack of smokes, finish them while I’m here and be done with it.

There I was almost two months later and I was still smoking. I understand it is “addictive”, and I put that in parenthesis because I believe smoking is more about habit and ritual than addiction, this is why it is so hard to quit — but that is another rant. Point is, I really missed it. The taste. The smell. The sensation of the smoke rolling down my throat. All of it.

I was extremely disappointed with myself. But, what hurt most was the look in my wife’s eyes. That look of pure defeat. Almost betrayal. I knew I let her down, and most importantly myself. As if all that hard work I had put in was for not. And let’s face it — it was!

Not to mention I was living a lie! I had developed this persona online for being the anti-smoking guy and pro vaper. All those people whom I led to believe that vaping was the way out. I had every excuse in the book for smoking again. But deep down I knew it was all bull shit.

I kept it hidden, as much as I could. I didn't want people to know I was smoking, least of all my kids. A few close friends knew and they were just as disappointed.

The worst part was having to tell my parents. They had supported my efforts front the get go. I even converted my father, life long smoker, to a vaper after being on his case for years to quit and join me. They never said anything, but I know they were equally as hurt and angered by my actions.

FAILURE. GUILT. DESPARITY. ANGER. HOPELESSNESS.

All these emotions I was feeling. Every time I lit up I felt like shit. So why did I keep doing this to myself?

Pain for pleasure

There are many things we do in life that we enjoy that hurt us. There’s all kinds of hurt and hurt is different for all of us. We break hearts, and have our hearts broken. We loose friends and family. We all lie, even little “white lies”. Some of us cheat and steal. We over eat. Drink too much. Use drugs. I enjoy strenuous physical activity, and this case I mean exercise and sports — yeah I know you pervs giggled at that one. But it’s the hurt that keeps me going- no pain no gain! And many other things, like smoking.

Hurt is good. It’s Human. And personally, I would’t want to live without it.

Where am I now?

Good question! I’m back to vaping full time, almost three months of writing this post, and I feal great. I can’t say what the future holds, but I hope it is not a cigarette.

The biggest realization I gained from this “slip” is that there are two kinds of ex-smokers. There are those that can quit and never look back. Like my wife. I envy her. She has been smoke free since our youngest was born (six years now) and she does not vape. She was not even the least bit “drawn” when I started smoking again. In fact she wanted to be nowhere near me when I was smoking and was disgusted by the smell.

Then there are those ex-smokers that will struggle their entire lives. Me! I know now that I either smoke or I vape. There is no other way. Every day is still a struggle. And it is not getting any easier with new vaping bans and regulations.

All I can do is take it one step at time. Remind myself constantly why I gave up smoking in the first place and why there’s no need to go back.

I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes …

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

- Bob Marley