Dangerous Parenting Techniques

As a parent, you may have some parenting techniques that you love to share with others. This post is the opposite of that.

This is what not to do, based on learned experience and having some mishaps along the way.

Disclaimer:

All of these stunts were performed by a parent with little to no experience.

No children were permanently physically harmed during the events.

The jury is still out on counseling.

These techniques are not recommended for anyone.

Last but not least, do not try this at home.

Bedtime Story

If you have been around me for a few seconds you might notice, that if I tip my head even 10 degrees, I will fall asleep. If I lay down for a second, you will need to a cattle prod to revive me from the netherworld.

When my oldest daughter was about five years old, I laid down with her at bedtime. The usual bedtime story was read, punctuated with lots of yawns.

Then everything went black. Having fallen asleep, what happened next was on my watch, however I was not watching.

Wondering why the light was still on and hearing some rustling, my wife came into my daughter’s room to find me passed out.

What she also found was that our little princess had decided to try on all of her shirts.

ALL of them.

It is unclear how she managed to get that many shirts on herself. It was like looking at an Egyptian mummy from the waist up. I am not sure how she was moving her arms, or breathing for that matter.

Shoulder Rides

Giving your child a shoulder ride is a rite of passage for both dads and children. Dads love to do this for two reasons:

First, let’s face it, it makes the child easier to contain.

Second, it makes you feel strong and protective and elevates you to hero status.

My second child at around five years old, (must be the magic number) was riding on my shoulders, not a care in the world. We were headed into a video store to rent a movie.

As we passed through the door, there was a strange tearing sound. Wondering what it was, I turned and looked up.

Dangling from the hinged door closer was a long chunk of my daughters beautiful blond hair!

So much for strong and protective.

Luckily it didn’t faze her and when telling her this story, she had no recollection of it.

I wonder what people thought as they walked into the store…

Counter Intuitive

Another incident with my oldest, found us at a different video store one evening (must be the magic place). After finding the movie I wanted to watch we proceeded to the checkout line.

When it was my turn to pay, I gently and carefully sat my daughter on the counter.

Reaching for my wallet to get my membership card and money, I turned away for just a second.

My daughter must have leaned forward just a little bit, just enough to cause her to slip off the counter.

Next to where we were standing there was a very large gumball machine. Her head smacked into the beach ball sized glass globe.

She slid down the rest of the machine like a fireman would on a pole. Relief came over me as I saw that she was okay, until I turned around.

Almost in unison, the entire line of customers behind me were shaking their heads as if saying, “bad dad” while glaring at me in embarrassing disgust!

Whoops!

Baby Fingernails

With my third child, we must have perfected our parenting. There is an eight year gap between her and my second. Plenty of time to work out all the kinks.

However, when she was just a few months old, I was using the cute little safety nail clippers to clip her razor sharp nails. You know, to protect her from herself.

As she stared into my eyes with love, she didn’t even notice that I had clipped itty bitty chunks out of the tips of her fingers.

She never even cried. The only reason I knew that it happened is because her tiny little fingers wouldn’t stop bleeding…


There are more stories like these but I want to hear yours.

How has your child survived your parenting blunders?


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David Mike is a Christ follower, husband, father, author and Cosmetology Instructor in Omaha, NE. David blogs to share humorous life events and also tell the story of the 3 years spent in the U.S. Army’s Prison, Ft. Leavenworth, sharing the message that we do not have to be defined by our past and that God can use our kind of mess for good.

To read David’s story, click the book title below.

Dishonor: One Soldier’s Journey from Desertion to Redemption


Originally published at dilemmamike.com