What the f^&* am I doing?

(on being an entrepreneur)

You’ve had a few good days. A few weeks of progress and unprecedented success. You’re feeling high as a goddamn kite and you’re untouchable. You’re like King Midas and everything and everyone becomes SOLID GOLD once you touch it. #bling

You’re thinking, “finally. F^*&ing finally. I’ve hit my stride.”

Every lead comes back positive. Every call returned. Emails get glowing responses. Every interaction is a bright, shining YES.

You think, “YES” to your life. You’ve made it. You are high and here to stay.

And then it starts to cloud over. Somewhere off to your right, you see it roll in ever so slightly.

That sky of hopes, dreams and a potential end of worrying about anything, forever, grows a bit more grey. You think it’s nothing. No big deal. The sun that was shining so brightly mere moments ago will emerge from the clouds and you will feel that warmth radiating through your skin to your weary bones.

But the grey grows darker and now brings a chill. That undeniably familiar chill of self-doubt. The unsettling shiver as your confidence dips.

The quaking starts as an annoying tic or flicker in your gut and then it spreads slowly, ever so slowly, until it’s spreading out into your lungs and then you feel it. It’s at the base of your throat.

The “yes” has become a “maybe”.

Then another one. And you lose a night’s sleep so now you’re tired. And you wake up and there’s something off about your eyesight. Do you need glasses? Maybe just more coffee.

When was the time you ate? What was it?

The thing is stuck in your throat. And your brow is back to being furrowed 80% of the time. You caught it in the glass window as you trudged past it. There’s no spring in your step now.

Another day passes and you’re sitting in a meeting or on the phone or on your couch, rubbing your temples and the words emerge. Coalescing in your brain and downloaded to your tongue and they fill your mouth, which is fine because you have no appetite anymore, anyway.

“What the f*^& am I doing?”

You have no idea. You have no idea what you’re doing.

You had this clarity and direction only moments before, “just a few minutes ago!” you want to exclaim. You want to find it and bring it back. Where did it go? Is it boozing it up with the dust bunnies under your bed?

You wonder to yourself. Is this moment of self-doubt more real than the moments of self-confidence and clarity? How were they so fleeting? Why did that confidence leave?

What made you so sure that direction

or person

or idea

or client

or resource

or agenda

or action

or email

or text message

or negotiation

or contract

or initiative was

RIGHT.

What makes what’s happening now wrong? IS it wrong?

Your head hurts. You grip the desk and stare out the window. Are you procrastinating to avoid taking action or do you just need a rest? Who could you call? Who would answer?

Who would care?

You want to quit. You want to go back to those days of sitting at a desk, punching in and out when it was easy and someone told you what to do and when to do it because it’s a hell of a lot easier than this bullshit of being your own boss and making up your own ideas and making mistakes and learning a hell of a lot about so many things you never had creative license or capacity to learn before.

When you worked for someone else, that paycheck appeared in your bank account and you had absolutely no respect for it. Or yourself.

Projects and timelines and agendas and meetings bored the shit out of you. You’re unemployable because you’re here to accomplish something different. And you’ve made it this far and if you quit now it would suck because…

well…

you know the alternative.

Could it suck worse than this moment of discouragement and frustration?

YES.

You breathe. You regain your perspective. You find your feet. You can feel them again. Your throat isn’t as tight. Your headache…has disappeared. GOD, you weren’t breathing. BREATHE!

You’ve had so many days like this. Remember? How many days you had filled with moments like this? Moments when you questioned your existence and completely doubted yourself?

And you’re still here. You figured it out, somehow. You’ve stayed alive. You’ve made it work. That’s what the F*^& you’re doing. You’re a f*^&ING CHAMP!

Shake it off. Keep going.

Just keep going.