The Passive-Aggressive Pedestrian

Is that a thing..? Well, I live on the edge of a college campus, where the crosswalk stakes are high. I used to tell people that in order to get where you need to be on time, you have to be an aggressive pedestrian.

Since then, I realized I’m really just a passive-aggressive pedestrian. To understand what I mean, here are some of my thoughts from my daily rounds of live-action Frogger:

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“You dumbass. You had plenty of time to go. You could have gone twice by now. Now I’m just gonna walk extra slow. Hopefully you’ll realize how stupid you are, stupid idiot.”

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“Yeah I know there’s no crosswalk here, but I’m doing it anyway. What are you gonna do, give me a jaywalking ticket? Actually, go ahead, that’ll be a cool story to tell.”

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“Well the guy in front of me is already cutting in front of your car.. What’s another two seconds? I mean, he started it…”

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“If you think I’m heading straight across this road you’ll have to hesitate awkwardly and try to gauge whether or not you have time to leave the stop sign in front of me.

“I hate doing that, I feel rude.. So I’ll just make you think I’m about to turn right, then once you go I’ll pivot back and walk where I need to go.”

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“2 seconds left before the ‘DO NOT WALK’ sign turns on? That’s probably enough time to meander across four lanes, right?”

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“I’m gonna wave you on from your stop sign even though I know you’ll just do the same thing back. I wonder how many times we can go back and forth.. Maybe we’ll mouth things back and forth too?

“Go ahead, you were here first. No really, I insist. I’m in no hurry, you can go.

“As soon as you forfeit and start to inch out I’ll act like I’m about to go too. Then you’ll stop, then I’ll stop, and the game begins again.”

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“There’s a crosswalk coming up.. I’m going to look at my phone until I get right up to the edge of the road. I’ll keep all 6 lanes in suspense and make them think I have zero situational awareness. Just for shits and giggles, maybe I’ll stop at the edge of this crosswalk and keep texting to see how long it takes the car in the closest lane to nervously pull out in front of me.”

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“I don’t care, I have the right of way.”

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“ Car A, 15 feet long, is 200 feet away moving at a velocity of 30 mph. Pedestrian A is at the side of the road and walks at 3 mph. How soon can Pedestrian A start crossing the street so that his left side will just barely graze Car A’s tail light without him getting hit?

“I did the math, and I’m going to step out to cross the road at the earliest possible moment. I’ll be so close to the back of your car I could open your trunk.”

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“Hit me, I dare you. I’ll sue the shit out of you.

“Now that I think about it.. A little road rash and a couple of bruised ribs can’t be that bad.. I mean.. I’ll get a week off school with an ironclad reason why my homework isn’t done.. I’ll probably get a big settlement.. Free hospital food..

“Okay that’s it, I’m diving sideways in front of this car.”

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