People need us to help them reclaim their boldness, so we are going to push that word on millennials and Gen Z until their eyes burst into flames.

Photo by Steve Harvey on Unsplash

Internal Memo

From: Stan, Bold Brands CEO

To: All Employees (paid and unpaid)

From January 1, 2020 until roughly March 11, 2020, with every single campaign we aimed to reach our target demo of “bold multicultural millennials.” Well, times have changed, and you are being called to action. Not by the government or a force greater than yourselves, but by me, Stan, your CEO.

Humanity has always needed great advertising, and whether they realize it or not, they need it now more than ever.

We, the executive team at Bold Brands Inc., are doing what we do best — rewriting…


SATIRE

Once a symbol of stress and anxiety, dreaming of losing your teeth now signifies all of the Fritos you‘ve been eating.

Photo by Bruce Christianson on Unsplash

“Dreams are never concerned with trivia.” ― Sigmund Freud, The Interpretation of Dreams

“In an interview with The New York Times, Dr. Barrett confirmed that many people are having weird dreams. ‘A ton of bug dreams,’ she said.” — The New York Times, April 13, 2020

Dream: Teeth falling out.

Significance: Once a symbol of stress and anxiety, dreaming of losing your teeth now signifies all of the Fritos, packaged ramen, frozen pizza, Oreos, Twizzlers, and wine you have been consuming. The dream is still symbolic of stress and anxiety, but with the added psychic and physiological damage that your quarantine eating habits are…


When exactly did you turn your back on all those youthful convictions about wearable timepieces?

Photo by Luke Chesser on Unsplash

Remember in your teens and twenties, how you always bragged that you hated wearing watches because they felt both physically and metaphorically heavy and anyway what is time but a construct? Now look at you. You’re nearing forty and you take multivitamins and you’re tethered to me, your smart watch.

How did this happen? When exactly did you turn your back on all those youthful convictions about wearable timepieces? Well, it happened because you’re getting older, and you need me to help you calculate just how well you’re living and how much REM sleep you’re getting because you skimmed a…


Photo by Sarah Brown on Unsplash

Look, this isn’t easy. It’s not a rash decision, but one that I’ve been thinking about since I was dropped on your doorstep in that cardboard box two years ago, wrapped in plastic bubble wrap like some common igneous rock.

I understand that it’s my job to sit here quietly and heal you. I know I’m supposed to imbue you with a sense of well-being and tranquility, and I have tried. Believe me I have tried. But circumstances have changed.

I can’t fucking do it anymore.

I think I need to find myself and my deeper purpose, and it’s hard…

dinagachman

Author of Brokenomics. Words in NY Times, McSweeney’s, Slackjaw + more https://www.dinagachmanwrites.com/

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