Eight Awful Questions you should not ask Lesbian Moms
Last time, we asked you if you ask these questions to expecting moms. Glad that you did not ask them though you could not sleep well for so many days given that you were so hell bent on doing that. Now then, there is a lesbian couple in your extended family or your friend circle. Is it perfectly normal for you? In case it isn’t you are considering about asking these questions to one of the moms. Caution: you shouldn’t as that can be utterly insensitive.
- Which one of you is the mother
- Okay, if both of you are mothers, then who is the biological one
- From where did you get the sperm?
- Whether the father of the child is in your life?
- What do you know about the sperm donor?
- What would your child call you?
- Would the child miss his or her daddy on doing ‘dad’ things
- What about the ‘Father’s name’ section on the child’s birth certificate?
Awful Q1: — Which one of you is the mother
Well, both of them are and both of them happen to be women. Hence both of them are the mothers of the child and since it is their conscious choice to have a baby, they are going to feel responsible towards him/her. They may have been together for quite some time, took the decision of having a child together and would be having plans about the education and future of the baby.
Awful Q2:- — Okay, if both of you are mothers, then who is the biological one
This seems to be the more polite, technical and clinical version of the above question. But asking about the biological mother isn’t right as it is possible that the child may have been adopted or one of the mothers would have donated the egg and the other would have carried the child.
In a way you are questioning which one of you is more or less of a mother. You may not have the intention to hurt the parents, but you need to know that a non-biological mother would be extra defensive about answering your question.
Awful Q3: — From where did you get the sperm?
Why would you want to get that information? Do you want it for yourself or you have any nefarious plans to lay siege to the place? It is simply none of your business. You may or may not know the donor and if you happen to know him, things would get terribly awkward. Okay, if the sperm was from a sperm bank, the mothers would feel little uncomfortable giving the name of the bank.
Awful Q4: — — Whether the father of the child is in your life?
You ought to know a very important point here: there are parents (lesbian or gay) and there is a donor. For a lesbian couple, there is a donor and he is not the father of the child. There is no dad and your question is insulting their parenthood. Hence, thank you for not asking this question.
Awful Q5: — What do you know about the sperm donor?
Oh, he is from faraway planet Narnia, has 8 big tentacles and what else! Why do you want to know that? Unless the parents initiate the topic, refrain from asking this insensitive question. Choosing a sperm donor can be an overwhelming decision for the parents that can be nerve wrecking, depressing and filled with hope at the same time. A range of tests are conducted on sperm donors to ensure that they are free from genetic conditions and other diseases. Their hobbies, interests, and other details hardly matter.
Awful Q6:– What would your child call you?
We sense your intentions and there is a better way to ask. For instance, you may ask ‘What does the child call each mom?’ It sounds balanced and less intrusive. The parents may not have zeroed in on what the child is going to ask each one of them. And the child may not be utterly confused with the concept of having two equally doting mums. It may so happen that he or she may invent two names for his own!
Awful Q7:– Would the child miss his or her daddy on doing ‘dad’ things?
A counter question here is why the two mothers cannot stand in for all activities that are stereotypically male?
- Baseball / Soccer / American Football / Hockey — Check
- Using tools — Check
- Fancy cars/ airplanes/ trains — Check
There is hardly any activity with which women cannot be associated. If needed the parents can gather the requisite knowledge and play ball. There ought not to be any fuss associated with that.
Awful Q8:– What about the ‘Father’s name’ section on the child’s birth certificate?
This one too, qualifies for being put up on nobody’s business list. However, there are certain states in the US where instead of mother and father, state issued birth certificates have ‘Parent 1’ and ‘Parent 2’ sections. This should answer your question to a certain extent. Besides that, other countries are accepting same sex marriages as well and appropriate sections are getting added. For instance, there are countries like India where only the mother’s name is required to be put on certain documents.
Original Post appeared here: http://www.xosam.com/eight-awful-questions-you-should-not-ask-lesbian-moms/