It was easier before you know

or was it?

Before I had to deal with the feeling of my soul crying, but that wasn’t a constant — with the other stresses and pains in my life it wasn’t always pressing. When a lot of things are broken, you can hide the lack of fulfilment, from your conscious brain anyway. You can convince yourself that it’s just a crappy job, an unhappy relationship, or possibly even hormonal.

With so many other things going wrong it’s simple to ignore the underlying problem.

So it was simpler before. When things were particularly bad I could always point to a half dozen “surface issues” that were to blame. And I could make plans and dreams about how I could resolve these issues, and that would distract my brain, for a while.

But in the wee hours of the morning, when my brain would wake me whirring with real problems, I knew that all of the busy work wasn’t going to make a difference. Somehow though, when I woke the next day, my conscious brain would forget, and I would just plod along in my life.

Before I was asleep to who I really was — I didn’t know what I wanted from my life.

Before I did not understand my most important values — and so I didn’t realise that the pain I was experiencing came from compromising them.

Before I did not know what success looked like for me — and so I didn’t pursue it.

And it was easier back then because I had convinced myself that everyone had to live with that feeling, because everyone in my life did live with it.

It’s all different now that I know the truth. Now that I know my authentic self and what I want from my life, I can’t go back to the simplicity of before.

They say that ignorance is bliss, and I finally know what they mean by that.

Now, it is far more difficult to live my life because I want more from it. I feel every moment I waste doing something that isn’t getting me to my desired end state — I feel it pass by and it makes me sad.

My life is more complex now, because I am actively making decisions and taking actions about who I want to be and how I want to live. There is no gliding along, or going with the flow, allowed anymore — and I miss that.

Before, there was this underlying sadness that was always there, but so often masked with busyness. Now, fear is my constant companion — fear that I will not be enough, that I will not get to where I want to be. Who would have thought that would be the end result?

But it isn’t the end result — it is just now. Now is complicated, because now is a transition where I am trying to learn everything I need to conquer the world. Now is confusing, because there are so many voices trying to tell me what I should be doing and how I should be going about this — and those voices are there because I have invited them in, because I’m feeling lost.

But not knowing what to do is all bullshit because I know exactly what I need to be doing, I know because all of the voices are really saying the same thing. Oh sure they put a different wrapper on it and have a different voice, but the messages are the same — and I know I just need to get over it and do the work — just do the work!

In order to do the work though I need to tap into the reserves of courage that I never realised I had — I need to be brave and I need to have the confidence to own who I am and what I want to be. And I’m scared that I may not be able to do that.

Soon there will be ‘later’ — where my path is more stable and I am more confident of my abilities. I still expect there to be fear, and a need for courage, but I do not think that this path can ever be pursued without those companions.

It’s just that ‘later’, the future state, will be easier because I will have done what I need to do — I will know that I am capable of being all that I need to be.

Later will never be simple and it will never be easy — but if I am truly honest, when I look back at it, neither was before.

It did seem easier before, you know — but I’ll take fulfilling over easy any day.

— To hear an audio version of this article head to My Year of TED blog.