Cecily. I was pregnant. My partner was in the military and i got very sick. I tried calling in to work and my boss told me that i had to come in, even when i went to the emergency room she was asking how soon i could be back that day to close up. the emergency room made me feel better for the 20 or so hours i was there getting fluids. but the next day i could not hold water down again on my won. Everybody was telling me how its just pregnancy and that didn’t mean i cant work. The whole world was feeding me stories of pregnant women in the Olympics, pregnant woman who didn’t let pregnancy keep them down. I went in to work at the elementary school that day and went to the bathroom. I was swaying all over the place and so nauseated. I blacked out over the toilet and was woken up an hour later by staff who were looking for me when i didn't report to lunch duty. I was so out of it, and i was lead to the library where I was yelled at for missing lunch, and then they told me fine i could go home, and they would not let me call an ems and they would not let me wait for a ride- they told me i could walk home. When i was home I was already too sick, too out of control to pick up a phone and call myself. I was left laying on the bathroom floor in and out of consciousness for days trying to drink water from the tub. It took all my strength to turn the shower head. I got to the bedroom somehow. i tried to get water and food but i was crawling on the floor and passing out. the room was spinning. my eyes were salty. i was so cold. i could feel my hair like straw. i lost my ability to sit up, to talk, to write, to walk, to move my fingers. i remember feeling like i could never sleep like i never slept for days and then i began hallucinating. I was finally taken to an abortion clinic, not to the er, where protesters were outside with a megaphone getting traffic to honk, and they swarmed around me as i could barely stand demanding to know why i would do this. inside i was yelled at by the person who took me because they needed to see my id which i didn’t bring because i was struggling to even stand- i mean the peson had to shake me and scream at me to get me to the car then was mad because i “shoudlve known to have an id.” i waited until they called me in and i stepped on the scale and just fell over. several caregivers were standing over me asking me if i knew where i was, if i could count fingers. they helped me get to the room and the doctor came. he didn’t want to even do the abortion. he wanted me to get to the er. the person i was with and he argued over it. the person who took me in left. the doctor was very distressed. the doctor gave me fluids and i stayed there getting care until after the clinic had closed for the day. i had my own recovery nurse beside me for hours. the doctors staid there and they checked my pulse and heart rate every 15 mins. i was in the recovery room with warm blankets. they kept trying to get me to stand and walk. they wanted me to sign a paper and i couldn’t write. they told me that because of my condition that i could not have any anesthesia or pain killers because i probably would not wake back up. many hours after all the women had long left recovery i had an abortion, awake, with no medicine at all. at night i was picked up and on the way out i fainted in the parking lot. the person picked me up and put me into the car. and took me back home. at home i began hemorrhaging. i spent 3 months in bed recovering. i had lost a tremendous amount of weight. my hair came out. . . . . .i was written up for not coming back to work. even though i had called my boss they stated that the day i was in the clinic that they had a meeting and changed the policy on calling in. that i had to call 2 bosses not just one. the boss made several nasty comments to me about abortions. and if you haven’t guessed it, my whole family supports trump. My mother told me that maybe if i got married first that jesus would allow me to have a healthy baby. my sister told me that i should have chosen to die instead of abort (and 2 yrs later wonders why i dont just “get over already, just because we have different views,“) my family made me go to an outing at a swim park a few months later and just walking around i started bleeding and i covered myself up with an overdress and my family didn't want to leave just because of me so i started leaving and and an employee stopped me and told me i needed to cover up on the way out and not be in a swim top, and i tried explaining to him that i was hemorrhaging and trying to get to leave to get to a hospital and he would not let me leave and kept insisting i uncover the dress i was using to hide the severe bleeding. i was tied in a white dress drenched in blood and made me stay there. I suffered for 4 yrs with ptsd so horrible. I can barely remember those first 2 yrs after at all. I didnt get up, i didnt leave the house. My partner helped feed me and bathe me and give me medicine with the help of mhmr and home providers. I eventually tried support groups for hypermesis g survivors only to discover that even there that being a survivor meant you had you had a baby. There was no support for women who tried and loss their babies, no support for women who aborted to save their lives. at hospitals they have saved the babies life and let mothers die to do it. they rarely talk about medically needed abortions but those certainly aren’t happening it religiously founded hospitals. looking at it now, the doctor risked a lot to help me. he knew the if left with those people i would die. even if he had taken me to the er myself, i would get a quick patch up and be left back where i started. he risked his whole career and life to keep me alive. the ONLY sympathy or care i had was inside that clinic. i wanted to be a mommy. im not a slut. i am not unable to provide. i didnt put my selfish need (as many say) first. I almost died. these people paint this picture where women are treated this way. Nobody has ever said to me that i am a survivor. I AM A SURVIVOR. pregnancy isn't cute. its hard. its dangerous. it can kill you. what i faced the entire step of the way from people telling me everyday how im a monster. And it doesnt have anything to do with any of them but they will kill women like me anyway.