“Not Gonna Do It”
The Battle Between Wanting To and Just Not
I’m new to the ADHD realm and this fellow, Dr. Russell Barkley, is basically everyone’s gateway guy into learning about the science and brain chemistry of it. The matter-of-fact manner in which he describes — in 20 seconds — something that’s caused a lifetime of strife is at once hysterical and sobering. I cannot tell you how many projects I’ve half-started, planned out, or lost enthusiasm over then given up. My home and laptop are hospital wards of enterprises that once excited me, and are now barely clinging to life… some full-blown flatlined. It’s a different ballgame when there are external motivating factors — like with my job, the motivation for follow-through is there because if not I would disappoint people (hi, coworkers!) and jeopardize my future. If it’s just me where the buck stops, though, things get 1000% less reliable. I can be as enthusiastic about an idea as anyone ever was about anything, feeling fully amped up and eager to take it on. But the possibility of any teeny deterrent or distraction derailing the whole thing is massive.
If I don’t have a clear concept of how I want to execute, that’s a huge barrier to entry — an idea will languish in the conception stage potentially forever. If I start on it and hit a roadblock, the desire to manage and surmount the roadblock is minuscule because it feels stressful and not fun. Which is enough to throw me off the whole thing. If mid-chugging along I get distracted by some other idea that’s more fun, I’m liable to curb the current project at the drop of a hat.
Entranced by the World Around
Something I’ve learned about ADHD brains is they are much more wired to the goings-on of the surrounding environment than most, meaning that there can be as much desire, mentally, to take on and complete a task, but the infinite things that can reach out to you at any moment from your surroundings have the ability to whisk you off in another direction without a second thought.
I’m easily taken in by any little flitting thing around me — ooh, shiny! — and there is no concept of consequences beyond what’s going on right now. Or, the knowledge of potential consequences is there, but it doesn’t matter because those consequences aren’t happening in my face right that red hot second. Like, there can be a workable, employable concept for me to put into action. But in reality, there is only now.
And, I want to be distracted. I learned that for the ADHD brain, essentially, long-term goals and planning = BO-RING and, “Now, now, now” = Fun! And also, boredom equals death. Impulsiveness is a major symptom. It’s something I’ve always struggled with and assumed was just an aspect of my personality I’ve been unable to best. For decades. Giving into impulses, even if I logically understand I do have long-term goals and want to accomplish them, is nearly impossible for me to dodge.
Anything But ‘Do It’
For instance, even getting into writing this fleeting diary of personal reflection has been a painfully slow, weeks-long process. In this case, I wanted to express myself with care, and the thought of failing at that became the stressful, painful, “not fun”ness that resulted in constantly putting this off, even though that in itself was painful. Perhaps it’s because I’m accustomed to the pain of constant put-offs (thus never “failing”.. Although also, consistently doing so) and less accustomed with putting something out there, and possibly failing. Even though putting things online is pretty much one of the lowest stakes gigs there is! Remember Geocities!
Learning that there just may be mental wiring contributing to this lifelong cycle, and that might be behind the persistent feelings of debilitation and subsequent self-disappointment, has brought on lots of feelings. There’s relief that my oft-feeble willpower isn’t a moral failing, some disgruntlement at feeling unfairly debilitated, frustration that I didn’t learn this sooner, and mourning over the brain and relationship to it I thought I had. I feel like I’ve gone through the five stages of grief over losing my “previous” brain and have waffled between hesitancy and welcoming the new revelations with open arms.
Regardless, I suppose it’s “better late than never” as they say (this has become a lifelong motto of mine…) and identifying the mechanisms at work at least gives me a fighting chance of working with said mechanisms. So, hopefully one day I’ll consistently be all, “Yes, I’m gonna do it!”
I Did It!
For what it’s worth, writing this out has felt good.
