Schrödinger’s Jean
Traveling, My Cat, and Hyperfocus
While I was away from my apartment for a few weeks, my cat, Jean, went on a vacation to Grandma’s.
I love Jean; at times it veers into slight obsession. She has the sweetest little face (objectively confirmed), the most precious bb mew, the softest, floofiest fur, and is such a gentle, patient little thing.
I didn’t give a fuck about any of that while I was traveling. The degree to which she was out of sight, out of mind was astonishing.
It felt as if shifting into the realm of Jean would require a full divorce of my brain from the situation and surroundings I found myself in, and this would be done begrudgingly, if at all, as every aspect and moment was novel whilst traveling around and setting up shop in one new place or another.
This environmental preoccupation reminded me of hyperfocus, an ADHD symptom akin to tunnel vision or even a flow state, often directed toward a project. Focus on the goal at hand is maintained come hell or high water.
From a book I’ve been reading:
“[…] the term ‘attention deficit’ is a misnomer. It is a matter of attention inconsistency. While it is true that the ADD mind wanders when not engaged, it is also the case that the ADD mind fastens on to its subject fiercely when it is engaged. A child with ADD may sit for hours meticulously putting together a model airplane. An adult may work with amazing concentration when faced with a deadline. Or an adult with ADD may become obsessed with a project and complete it in a tenth of the time one would have predicted.”
— Driven to Distraction, Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. and John J. Ratey, M.D.
Rather than honing in on a task, though, I was completely engaged with my environment, which combined some of my favorite things — the physical world around me, novelty, and immediacy. It actually felt like diverting my attention from my surroundings would be an insult to the people around me (a notion pushed by no one but myself). The aversion to diversion was true whether I received a text about Jean or my family (even notable ones!), needed to make a timely gift exchange, thought about doing a Wordle, or popping onto social media. To take on personal writing or ponder ADHD blogging was not in the question. I could force myself to snatch a couple minutes to address the task/intrusion into my current occupation, then must turn attention back to my environment.
I learned (the challenging way) that on work days I needed to hole myself up in order to focus, sequestering myself in a room with little to no contact with others. Extreme, maybe. But while my brain was being all or nothing, it had to be done.
The inability to find a happy medium, though, to toggle between two or more concurrent situations and impart each with a proper amount of attention in turn, is frustrating. My “engaged” brain will “fasten onto its subject fiercely,” and need to be 100% directed toward said subject. Or another one. No in between.
Now What?
I haven’t spent this much time in new places while having some full days of work to attend to, and though there was definitely trial and error, I’m glad I gained some intel about how I achieve balance (I can’t). Though a perfect solution may not be right at hand, my best solution is not to put myself in this position again. And as I progress on this journey, I anticipate more illumination and tools to come.
Obstacles to Posting This
- Wanting to lie down and do nothing after returning home
- Getting super into 12-season long Shameless — Carmy sightings! (This proved the most problematic obstacle)
