Where do i start?
Where do i start?
It’s been heavy. It is heavy. there is so much disturbance. there is rays of hope, but its been noisy. i cant get my act together, my mind together, my thoughts together. am trying to stay positive. am trying to be the best parent i always strive to be. am trying to provide the best playmate that my kids need now. am trying to be the best home maker even if i cant lift an ounce. am trying to be the best cook, but every time i cook — i fear am running out of food.
I am fearing. Me — who has a roof over her head, with family living closely and happily. Me — who is financially stable, physically stable. Me — who is secured within the 4 walls. This is this ‘Me’ — who is fearing. Fearing of a future, fearing for her kids, fearing for her family, fearing for her friends, fearing for her strangers.
Am sorry. but this is heavy. this burden is too strong for me. this — this monotonous life, which is getting heavy and heavier.
but when i zoom out and think of people who are on fore fronts, i shudder. am thankful, but also feel guilty. am guilty that am not helpful. am guilty that am putting someone dear to someone in the forefront for me. am guilty that am living protected, but someone is not. am guilty that am selfish.
i shut my msgs, news feeds. i shut the graphs and i shut the rates. my ears and eyes are dead now.
but again this is me, the privileged, the lucky, the protected. am shutting my mind to not even able to comprehend on how others — a child with a emotional anxiety, a parent away from kids because of travel bans, a single elderly person living alone, an extended family hearing the loss of a dear one — would feel now, today.
the glitters - no longer glitter. the sparkles - no longer sparkle, the flashes are no longer flashy. the sun light still feels precious, the air crisper, the plants healthier.
with no commute and socializing — there seems an illusion of ‘more’ time. am neither seeing it nor feeling it. the online schooling is a pain. even with 4 laptops at home for 4 people — we are not able to keep up with the school work. IT support to kids + do a full time wfh job + Cook fresh meals + home-keeping + engage the kids w/o screen time — all the while making sure your spirits are high and you spread the positive vibes — all in 24 hours. is this possible? no, not by me and my husband. we are constantly juggling, and exhausted emotionally everyday feeling short of doing just the basics.
And on top of this, feeling heavy for the future, for the people who are actually suffering, for the tilt in supply-demand, for the water scarcity, for the many business closed, for the many people w/o pay, for a dark future which seems very happening.
am sure this medium post is a pile among the added piles. i couldn’t share my feelings to my family, fearing am spreading sadness and not happiness given this time in era. i couldn’t share to my friends, fearing they would see me weak and not the strong one i portray? Humans are a social animal, is so god damn true.
the only hope now is that the scientists are working hard to finding a cure. and praying that, that’s happening soon.
Sigh!
