Day 39

New week, new me, right?

Nothing too eventful from the morning. Swam by myself today and it was definitely a struggle; the extra vaping plus an extra fat weekend brought it on. Only felt really good and powerful on the last stroke.

Nothing eventful in terms of class. Jackie texts in Williams’ class and asked what doing tonight. She proceeds to invite me to watch vagina monologues. Now first off, I get off at 530 and it was 7; to this point, I’ve heard of this play and heard good things. I wasn’t too keen on going cause of time and my workload but I was willing to rearrange priorities because I felt she was reaching out. However, when I asked if she’d like to hang out after, she declined (however you wanna interpret that.) I took that as well work your time for me but I can’t/won’t do the same. So I knew what I would do and I didn’t go, obviously. Now I asked a few people of what they thought of the scenario (to anyone who might be reading this, I only ask cause I’m curious how other people would react. I paint the broad picture first and then provide details. Also I’m generally curious because I generally feel like Larry David compared to other people.)

Now I’m not one to harbor grudges. It’s bad for you and I’m past that point in my life. However, flash forward to me leaving the gym, where Jackie and Dona call me over (headphones in, didn’t even see em.) It was just kinda semi awkward small talk but only in retrospect (cause I was high) did I realize Dona said something that feels too coincidental. She was on her tangent and somehow she said something along the lines of “we used to talk when we had class but not so much anymore, feel like we don’t have anything in common really.”

Now when she said it I thought nothing of it. High as shit, I still thought, “well you don’t really know me so it’s hard to go past small talk unless you genuinely want to know.” Now I’m not saying I (always) genuinely want to know things about people when I ask but I welcome it. Anyway, it wasn’t till I’m on the train that I realize that paraphrased quote I just mentioned sounds a whole lot like what Jackie has been trying to convey. I actually even recall Jackie kinda looking at me intently as Dona said that. So while it definitely could’ve been coincidental, my gut says otherwise and I’m learning (more) to trust it, no matter what.

So that’s why this post is extra long. It bothered me. I have a lot of thoughts about the subject with numerous aspects I haven’t even disclosed. I just think it was really shady and more or less cowardly to get your friend to emphasize your point. If you know how you feel, just say it.

P.S.- for someone who doesn’t like texting, you sure like doing it after you see me.