Newly Divorced? 8 Co-Parenting Boundaries You Need to Set Now
A Complete Guide to Setting Co-Parenting Boundaries and Their Importance Explained by a Co-Parenting Coach:
I’ve seen a lot of divorcing couples surprised by how challenging and frustrating co-parenting can be.
To help, I’ve got eight essential boundaries that can make a big difference. Setting these up can improve your relationship and save you some cash. I’ll explain each one, share some real stories, and show you how to make them work.
If your ex resists, taking action will help your relationship and support your kids as they adjust.
Eventually, even the most stubborn co-parent will see how these boundaries make life smoother. Lead by example and stay consistent. Remember, this is all about the kids.
If talking was hard when you lived together, it won’t be any easier now.
That’s why it’s essential to work on your communication skills. Good communication is the key to a smooth co-parenting relationship and helps everything run smoothly.
1.0 Communication Boundaries:
How will you communicate?
You have to have this conversation, as annoying as it may be and usually is. Please make a choice and stick to it.
Text, email, or phone calls. I once had a couple who could not stick to their agreed-upon communication methods.
Kids ended up left at practice fields, a recital was missed, and one tween spent an entire weekend with a friend’s family without the custodial parent even knowing she wasn’t at her dad’s.
It sounds like something none of us would ever do, but it happens more often than you think.
I would get a call from a crying, frantic parent telling me that their ex had allowed their child to spend the night at so and so’s house and that they had forgotten to communicate about the change of plan, and they missed picking them up.
“Is everyone safe?
“Is anyone hurt?” I asked.
“NO, that’s not the point…” she screamed. {Her daughter had spent the evening with her girlfriend from school and her parents; they had dinner & watched a movie .}
She was on a rant. She was scared and emotional, and her anger was directed at the wrong person. It was a mistake.
Misscommunications happen. Making a firm decision on how you will communicate considerably reduces the chances of that happening.
The bottom line is that the dad had left work, gone to high school, and was sitting there on a business call like he did every Friday when he lost track of time and got a call from his ex.
He had missed an email; she had accidentally sent it from an email her ex did not have, and it went to junk.
People are claiming child abandonment. One poor guy was driving across the state for a weekend with his child, got in a wreck, and almost died, and the ex claimed he had abandoned his daughter at the soccer field.
Clearly, it’s not his fault.
But she filed anyway; I, as well as her lawyer, tried to tell her this was not in her best interest; the court would not have a warm and fuzzy over taking time out of their already overbooked day to formally tell her that this was totally frivolous and low.
A firm and infatic statement about wasting the court’s time. Dismissed.
Between the first phone call and the minute she left the office, she had incurred a $2800.00 bill. -I checked twice. Holy crap. Why didn’t she listen?
Choosing a primary communication form is the easiest way to alleviate those mistakes.
· I encourage texts — they are immediate, and most people have their cell phones nearby. Reminder: do not read the tone of voice in texts or emails; view the vital information only: date, time, and location. The rest is not important.)
· Emails can get lost, and phone calls are only an option for some people in the early years after a divorce.
Find something that works for both of you and, more importantly, the kids. Keep all communication kid-focused.
Timing: Use your common sense. If you know your ex has a meeting from 9:00 to 11:30 every Tuesday at work, and if it’s not an emergency, whatever response you need from them will probably arrive after lunch.
Please don’t call your lawyer.
Someone must answer or read every phone call and email, and that person could be billing you for their time.
You want to avoid paying $125 for a paralegal to read and craft a response to your message. All the lawyers I’ve worked with charge by the hour — literally.
You’re charged for the entire hour if it takes them 15 minutes to read and respond to an email. This is clearly stated in the pricing plan they provided on day one, all laid out in black and white.
2.0 Personal Boundaries:
This should be self-explanatory, but many people still need to get it.
Below is a list of questions that parents and anyone who will play an active part in their kids’ lives should answer.
· Should all visits be announced?
· Can/should they text you to pick up/drop off the kids with a “Headed your way” text before they leave?
· Where should they park when they arrive?
· Would a neutral place be better?
· May they enter if there is an emergency?
· What constitutes an emergency?
The list could go on, but these 6 are the ones that I have dealt with most commonly.
No one wants their privacy violated. We all need space to vacuum in our boxers or spend seven wonderful kid-free hours reading a great book and eating pistachios.
3.0 Schedule Boundaries: Learn to become a planner and be flexible.
It’s not just the kids you need to be sharing. Set a visitation schedule and stick to it like glue.
Consistency is key — kids thrive on knowing who’s cooking dinner!
I recommend that my clients Set up a shared calendar, whether on Google, Notion, Outlook, or whatever. They should use it to ensure that essential dates and visitation changes are noticed.
4.0 Decision-Making Boundaries: The Democracy in Action
This does not apply to everyone, but it’s vital if there is a special needs child, an infant, or a child who’s sick or has appointments.
5.0 Financial Boundaries:
A Fine Line: Follow your state’s child support plan closely.
Deviating from it can affect your child and risk your freedom, as many states are cracking down on non-compliant parents.
If your child needs or wants something you can’t afford, split the cost. If it’s still unmanageable, be honest and upfront about your situation.
Remember, the money in your bank is for you to manage, but child support is for your child’s needs—food, shelter, healthcare, education, and spiritual growth.
If you believe the support isn’t being used correctly, contact your local family services office. They can address the issue for free.
6.0 Parental Behavior Boundaries: You will need to be the bigger person.
Avoid Negative Talk About Your Ex. Never speak negatively about your ex around your children. Kids are perceptive and pick up on even subtle “code” you use to communicate with friends.
Courts frown upon this behavior, and if you’re ever called to account for your co-parent venting, it can be both embarrassing and costly.
Keep Kids Out of Adult Conflicts: Do not involve your children in adult conflicts. They already have enough to deal with, like homework and social challenges.
Never use Kids as Messengers: Do not use your children to relay messages between you and your ex. It puts them in a difficult position and can lead to resentment.
7.0 Introducing New Partners Boundaries:
The Newcomer Rules
Yes, you can and should move on with your life. New partners are exciting but wait before introducing them to your kids.
Notify your ex if your new partner will be around the children, but only introduce them if you’re sure about the relationship’s stability. Get to know your new partner first to save yourself the heartache.
When asked how long to wait before introductions, I recommend at least six months, ideally a year. This allows gradual introductions, like meeting at events, the zoo, or a restaurant.
Ensure the relationship is stable before involving your kids. After six months, introduce your partner to your children in neutral settings, away from home and family, and for short periods.
Remember, your kids need quality time with you. Don’t divide your attention when it’s their time to be with you.
8.0 Safety and Discipline Boundaries: The Consistency Champions
Agree on Safety Guidelines: Childproofing is your new best friend. From light sockets to liquor cabinets, ensure both homes are safe environments for your children.
Align on Disciplinary Approaches: Consistency is critical. “Ask your mom” or “Ask your dad” only works for so long. Make sure both parents are on the same page regarding discipline.
Consistency Across Homes: Avoid “Dad’s rules” vs. “Mom’s rules” chaos. The rules are for the kids, not the house. Maintain consistent guidelines and expectations in both homes to provide stability for your children.
I have provided you with a plan to take action. Stand your ground and make your family life a little more peaceful — it all starts with a conversation. You got divorced to be happier and end the conflict. This is a great place to start.
