The Irony of the Christian Right’s Protests Against Face-Punching

The most widely accepted doctrine in the Christian community was born out of a face-punch. To deny this act of resistance is to deny the foundation of the entire faith.

If you are a Christian, or have ever had discussions with a Christian, you probably know that Christians believe that God “breathed life” into the bible, and therefore what is now accepted as canon is also considered to be infallible. What many people don’t know is that the true story looked a lot less like mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and more like the face-punching of white nationalist, Richard Spencer.

On the surface, the story of the formation of the biblical canon might seem to be boring, but it’s actually quite interesting; particularly the part where divine inspiration comes into play. This story involves Santa Claus and his famous “face-punch heard around the world.”

Saint Nicholas was the Bishop of Constantinople, or what is now known as Istanbul, Turkey. He was well known for being associated with a number of miracles, and was said to have divine influence from God himself. He was also known for his love of children.

The Council of Nicea was formed by the Roman Emperor Constantine I, in 325 CE, to unify the splintered factions of the newly adopted Christian faith and determine a universal doctrine going forward. St. Nicholas was a prominent member of the council.

An Egyptian theologian named Arius was also a member of the council, but he did not get along so well with the esteemed Bishop. A date was set for Nicholas and Arius to debate the highly contentious topic of the Trinity, with Arius providing the dissenting view.

In an added bit of even more irony to this story, followers of Arius and his belief of the Godhead, or the Father’s divinity over the son, were called “Arians.” (Nay do I shit thee!)

Paraphrasing Arius’ testimony to the Council: “The Trinity is fucking bullshit, dude. Everyone knows it! How can God be the Father and his son all at once? And what the fuck even is the holy spirit? It doesn’t make fucking sense. Don’t you and your 6–8 slaves have some naughty children to beat and kidnap?”

While records aren’t clear on what exactly was said, it would stand to reason that Arius got personal with it, because that’s when Santa Claus got mad and punched that heretic right in the jaw.

Nicholas was held in contempt and placed in a jail cell for his violent outburst. The entire council was in disarray. Arians demanded that their right to free speech be respected, and insisted that Nicholas was the real heretic for resorting to violence.

That’s when the miracle happened. While Nicholas sat in jail, an angel came to him and brought his garments. The guards returned and found Nicholas chilling in his cell, head-to-toe in holy threads.

They brought Nicholas back to the floor of the Council to announce the good news. “It’s a fucking miracle, dudes, the Trinity is real! Henceforward, may the world celebrate this miraculous occasion with thoughtless presents and drunk family fights every year during the winter solstice!”

That face-punch became the entire basis for ecumenical doctrine, and the foundation of the Holy Catholic Church. Later on, St. Patrick would commemorate the Trinity in his obsession with the clover, represented by its three leaves.

You see, even Christians know that sometimes a charlatan needs to be punched in the face — especially when they are given a platform to spread their lies and radical hate. It’s up to good, fist-yielding people to uphold the true faith.

Besides, if it’s a legitimate face-punch, the body has a way of shutting down that down.