The first DL blog on Medium?

A little surprised to not find any other AB/DL blogs on Medium. So perhaps I’m the first (at least posting publicly)? I really like the layout of Medium and it’s simple look.

Anyway, the main point of this diary is for therapeutic reasons — I feel like I need an outlet to talk about my diaper fetish. This is not an erotic blog, with made up fantasies and pictures like you may find on Tumblr (Tumblr has a big AB/DL community, which is why I chose Medium instead). This is purely an analysis of myself and my day-to-day experiences with my fetish. I’m interested in the psychology behind fetishisms (especially of inanimate objects like diapers). My hope is to better understand this fetish and how I can embrace it, rather than try to ignore it and feel ashamed or embarrassed.

My background as a Diaper Lover

I’ve never written about my experience as a diaper lover (DLer), but I’ll try the best that I can. Ever since I can remember, I’ve always had a fascination with diapers. I vaguely remember when I was little my mother would take me to the supermarket and I would immediately run to the diaper aisle. I would talk about diapers a lot. I would express my interest in them and it kind or drove my parents crazy. My mother would roll her eyes and say something like, “Yes, Nick, those are diapers. Let’s go now.” I think they tried their best to ignore it and not give it any attention, like any parent would. I remember my mother at one point took me to my pediatrician because I was difficult to potty train. I expressed a strong desire to my pediatrician that I wanted to wear diapers and not use the toilet. I was over three years old and my preschool mentioned that I should move on from wearing so I could go to Kindergarten.

The first time I remember wearing after becoming potty trained is still pretty clear in my memory. I was with my sister and her friend (at her friend’s house) and I found a pull-up lying around. I quickly had the biggest urge to put the pull-up on. I asked them if it was okay. They didn’t think much of it and more or less told me to put it on. I did. I loved it. I wet in it. I missed the feeling so much of wearing. I ran around and my mother found me with it on (I didn’t even bother to put my pants back on to hide it). To me, even at a young age, wearing diapers was fun and exciting.

Fast forward to when I was almost or just barely a teen. I spent a week or so with my aunt and uncle. They had two small children at the time, one of them still wore diapers at night time for bedwetting reasons. I marveled at this. I longed to wet the bed again uncontrollably. At night, while I stayed with them, I made my own makeshift diapers out of underwear and towels. I didn’t dare to try and steal my cousin’s diapers, because I knew I would more than likely be caught. My awareness of being caught had definitely changed since the first time I tried on a pull-up. I’m sure my aunt caught on though, since she did my laundry and found a pile of underwear bunched together that (I assume) smelled of urine. She never mentioned anything to me.

Fast forward through my teen years. Perhaps 17 or 18. I remember I tried again making makeshift diapers out of several pairs of underwear and plastic garbage bags (I would cut holes for my legs and use as a diaper cover). My father once did my laundry and found several pairs of underwear still stacked one inside the other that reeked of dried urine. He asked me about it. I remember he joked if I was having problems wetting the bed at night. I don’t remember what my response was, but I was embarrassed and tried my best to diffuse the situation. He never mentioned anything about it again.

During my first year at college I was under a lot of stress. I remember I wet my dorm room bed after napping for several hours. It was more embarrassing than anything and I didn’t find any enjoyment from cleaning that up quickly without notice.

While extremely drunk at a friend’s party when I was 21 or 22, I wet my friend’s couch after falling asleep on it. His parents were gone for the week and everyone got trashed. It was embarrassing, but everyone thought it was hilarious. It makes for a good story, even to this day. Another friend of mine slept in my friend’s bathtub and was puking most of the night. We were dubbed names like “pisser” and “faucet.”

Very Recently

I’ve always tried to have an open and honest relationship with my wife. I’ve expressed to my wife subtly and also quite bluntly my interest in diapers throughout our entire relationship. She seemed cool about it, teasing me occasionally. I would also tease her. While out driving or walking around with no bathroom in sight, one of us would say something like “I need to pee really bad,” and the other’s response would be “Hmm, we can get you a diaper,” always followed with smiles and laughs and maybe even a little pat on the butt. This kind of joke was especially erotic when we were drunk and having sex. It made for great dirty talk and would get me (and sometimes I think even my wife) off pretty easily. My wife can orgasm pretty easily in the mornings if she hasn’t had the chance to pee and we’ve also had fun with that as well. I considered that my wife may have a slight fetish for diapers as well. She would claim she didn’t, but her actions and words said otherwise. I thought at least she’d be open and accepting of trying it out with me sometime in the future.

About two weeks ago now, I realized I had a series of dreams where I was wearing a diaper while asleep. I dreamed I wet myself (I didn’t really). It gave me a strong sense of arousal. So I thought: now that we have our own place, why not just try buying some and wearing? I wanted to explore this fetish properly. It’s been with me all my life. So, I came out completely of the “diaper closet” to my wife and told her I would like to buy some diapers to try and experiment. Her reaction wasn’t as accepting as it was before in our relationship. I think she was confused, didn’t know what to say. She was also judgemental and worried. Completely not the response I was expecting.

I researched a lot and browsed the ABDL subreddit (www.reddit.com/r/abdl). I bought a “premium” pack of adult diapers off Amazon. It arrived quickly, I even paid $5 for 1 day shipping. It was exciting to receive them. My wife’s response was neutral. She seemed to have given it some thought and not react negatively. I opened up the box quickly and she stayed upstairs while I put one on. She came down with our son and didn’t realize I was wearing. I felt a need to clean the house and proceeded to wear around her. I thought she would notice, but she didn’t. I was a little disappointed and felt guilty. Not the response I wanted.

Later that night after putting our son to bed, she decided to stay upstairs and not talk with me. I decided not to wear in bed that night. The diaper was loud and I was sure she would hear it if I moved around. The next day I wore again and the following night I wore to bed with a pair of underwear over them. She didn’t say anything. The following day we talked about it and she was pretty upset. I think it was too much too fast for her. She was unsure how to deal with my fetish. She had certain rules that she laid out, like no wearing at night time (because our son sleeps with us in the same bed). She also wanted nothing to do with them if we had sex. I thought this was rather limiting, since they are as much a sexual fetish object as a comfort object to me. Again, not the response I was wanting to hear.

We talked again a day later. She had thought about it some more and she was still clearly upset. One of the reasons she was so upset was because, in my own interpretation, she wants me to be a strong, masculine figure for her. Kind of similar to a Dad in her words. Wearing diapers shows weakness and appears like I want her to be a Mom figure(which we both don’t really want at all — I would say I don’t have any desire for her to treat me like a baby). On the AB/DL spectrum, my interest is almost entirely on the comfort of wearing and wetting diapers. We also have a BDSM side involving spanking. Spanking has always been a thing that turns both of us on sexually.

There’s much more that I would like to type, but feel this first post is already far too long.