Eliminating toxicity is a collective responsibility, but we must recognize it first
While it was originally posted a few years ago, I recently read a great Forbes piece (featuring one of the best stock images ever) in which author Travis Bradberry shares 12 things successful people do when dealing with toxic people.
While it’s interesting and definitely a worthwhile read, I found myself contemplating a corollary discussion of the environment surrounding these toxic interactions. If the rest of the office isn’t contributing to neutralizing a toxic person, at best, they’re enablers. At worst, they’re accessories.
In either case, though, the resulting dysfunction is enough to damage morale, ruin culture and, ultimately, destroy results. Certainly company leadership plays a crucial role in eliminating toxicity, but this is one goal to which all employees must contribute. As the adage goes, one small leak can sink a ship. It’s up to the entire crew to ensure the sailing remains smooth.
As for how to go about getting it done, Bradbury notes, “To deal with toxic people effectively, you need an approach that enables you, across the board, to control what you can and eliminate what you can’t. The important thing to remember is that you are in control of far more than you realize.”
In other words, control the controllable.
Approach interactions with maximum clarity
More than likely, you already know before certain people approach or certain situations arise that you’re set for a toxic encounter. Rarely are you completely blindsided (provided you’ve been paying attention). Do yourself a favor and prepare for it by taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. (Note: this is not a heavy sigh that will undoubtedly be seen as passive-aggressive by toxic people.) That quick refocus as you breathe will clear your mind and ensure you don’t say anything they can latch onto and use to drag you down into their misery.
Toxic people are generally adept at emotional manipulation, either trying to elicit sympathy by playing victim or working to pick at a pet peeve and make you angry — sometimes at them (so they can perpetuate their victim narrative), sometimes alongside them (so they feel like you are an advocate against someone or something else).
To avoid falling into either trap, removing emotion from the situation is paramount. Focus solely on the actual information being divulged while maintaining awareness of the surrounding context. Most of the time the toxic person will be left without a leg to stand on, and you will be able to go on with your day free of unnecessary drama.
Fighting them solves nothing
Should you make the mistake of unwittingly falling into any of their traps, the sooner you recognize it, push emotion away and detach from the situation, the better off you will be. Fighting with toxic people is an exercise in futility. There is no win. In their minds, all you’re doing is picking on them and further fueling that victim mentality. It may temporarily feel satisfying to force them back into their own little pit of misery, but the collateral damage to both you and your work environment are not worth it.
Instead, if you must interact with them, don’t let them focus solely on their problems. Steer them toward solutions, and never fall for the “Easy for you to say. You have (or don’t have) [insert phony reason here].” You’ve worked to achieve whatever position or in-office status you hold. Don’t let toxic people belittle that or put you on the defensive. Their problems aren’t yours. You owe zero explanation.
Post-interaction is all about balance
Extricating yourself from a toxic interaction is difficult in and of itself, but navigating the balance between remembering it and dwelling on it after the fact is an added challenge. It’s tempting — and a natural tendency — to simply try to completely forget about the interaction as quickly as possible. However, doing so puts you in danger of repeating it.
Conversely, though, you can’t dwell on that interaction either. Giving too much weight to a toxic person’s words can invite self-doubt when there really shouldn’t be any. Certainly, we recognize that it’s impossible for us to have all the answers all the time, but if we lend too much credibility to toxic people, the line between what we should know and what is completely irrational can begin to blur.
Once you get to that point, it’s vital to take a step back and, if necessary, have a brief conversation with someone you trust who detached from the situation. The sanity check will help. Just make sure it doesn’t turn into a gossip or whining session — lest you become the source of the same type of poisonous interaction you were trying to avoid in the first place.
While it’s impossible for everyone to be perfectly content 100 percent of the time, people who are chronically unhappy and go out of their way to make sure everyone else either knows it or shares in their discontent are toxic to a workplace. While responsibility for establishing company culture may fall on leadership, maintaining it falls on everyone.
