The Twelve Gifts of Die Hard
There’s a recent trend of people referring to Die Hard as their favorite Christmas movie of all time. The inner curmudgeon in me wants to ditch the film altogether now because I’ve been saying this for years, but I’m compelled to stay due to the amazing gifts that are held within each viewing.
I don’t know how many times I have watched Die Hard at this point, which I would also argue is the best action film ever, but I do know that it is most likely close to thirty-plus viewings. Since it is the season, I will share the personal treasures I have received from this movie in the form of the Twelve Days of Christmas, or rather stylized here as The Twelve Viewings of Die Hard.
(1) On the first viewing of Die Hard, my true love gave to me…Bruce Willis playing John McClane. Thank the gods that this movie did not go to Frank Sinatra, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Sylvester Stallone! Those options almost happened folks, but instead we got the guy from Moonlighting. At the time it was as odd of a choice as Heath Ledger playing the Joker, but can you now imagine anybody else playing the role? And if Jared Leto is ever offered to play McClane in a Die Hard reboot, I say we take to the streets.
(2) On the second viewing of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… Carl Winslow in an alternate universe. Family Matters was instrumental to my upbringing as part of ABC’s TGIF, and so it is always a welcome sight to see Papa Winslow in a policeman’s uniform. While sadly this led to the actor Reginald VelJohnson being typecast a little, his Sgt. Alan Powell is a work of beauty. Our first encounter with Powell is a convenience-store stop where he is about to go pound town on some Twinkies. From that point on he is on a path toward his own hero’s journey, which includes the most hilarious scene in which an already deceased man falls on his police vehicle, with Powell uttering every cuss word known to humankind in response. This is R-rated Carl Winslow, and we are all the better for it.
(3) On my third viewing of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… Hans Gruber. This one hurts to write, because Alan Rickman is the bees knees of portraying villains and I miss him dearly. Rickman was so captivating that, if he wanted to, he could present a single line of dialogue for a solid two minutes and I would hang on every slowly-delivered word. He’s that good. Hans Gruber also represents a time gone by in which villains had pretty simple intentions and were just bad for being bad’s sake. Also, he did it in style with that suit and Rolex. Evil dudes should always dress to kill, literally.
(4) On the fourth viewing of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… hilarious movie quotes that I will forever remember. I’ll just share a few of them here:
“Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”
“Now I know what a TV dinner feels like!”
“Hey babe, I negotiate million dollar deals over breakfast. I think I can handle this Eurotrash.”
“We’re going to need some more FBI guys, I guess.”
“This is Agent Johnson. No, the other one.”
“Let’s see you take THIS under advisement, jerkweed!”
Plus, all the times John McClane says, “California?!” in the first two minutes of the film.
And, of course: “Yippee-kai-yay, motherf — er!” (I’ll have more to say on this later).
(5) On the fifth viewing of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… the Christmas movie soundtrack to end all Christmas movie soundtracks. Michael Kamen, who scored Die Hard, is a musical genius. Who else would think to include classical arrangements of Beethoven’s 9th symphony and Brandenburg Concerto №3 with the festive tracks of “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC?! Plus, the storytelling prowess to include “Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow!” in the finale as a way of symbolizing purification after all the bloodshed… I salute you, Mr. Kamen. Perhaps I am reading way too much into that last song inclusion, but I’m definitely talking about this the next time I teach a film studies course.
(6) On the sixth viewing of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… a truncated version of Homer’s epic, The Odyssey. Ok, hear me out: A man, in the aftermath of his own violent life (aka, being an NYPD detective), struggles in a foreign land (or said California) to make it back to his wife. Hans and the Germans represent the Suitors who are trying to crash his party and take away all that matters to him, and he needs the help of new friends (such as Argyle and Sgt. Powell) to restore him back to his family. You can even think of the giant German, Karl, as the Cyclops and it works on an even deeper level! Every generation needs an epic, and John McClane is our 1980s version of Odysseus. Get into it, folks.
(7) On the seventh day of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… that scene in which the bad guy is preparing for a shootout with the SWAT team, but makes sure to nab a Crunch bar before it begins. We all know for a fact that holding people hostage and preparing to steal millions in bearer bonds is hungry work, what Die Hard gets right is to make time to show us the toll that this takes on the human body. You may have access to candy, but only before you get shot to death by John McClane! Also, this is singularly the best product placement scene in any film whatsoever.
(8) On the eighth day of Die Hard, my true love gave to me.. a cadre of bumbling idiots. There are some real dummies in Die Hard, but the screenwriters knew that to balance out all the violence you needed some genuine laughs after all the rounds were fired. Harry Ellis, besides already being a disgusting name, is a sleazy scumbag executive that continually hits on McClane’s wife while also thinking he can negotiate a deal with the terrorists. “Hans, bubby!” is still a line I repeat randomly in my car sometimes. They’re some of the last words of a man trying to convince his captor not to murder him, but they are also fun to say. Needless to say, they are not enough to spare his sad life. The actor Paul Gleason was the best bumbling idiot actor of the 1980s, playing the infamously stupid principal in “The Breakfast Club”. However, his Deputy Chief of Police Dwayne T. Robinson is his magnum opus. If you need to feel better about yourself and your life choices, Die Hard offers many points of comparison to ease your personal anxieties about existence.
(9) On the ninth viewing of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… the edited televised versions of Die Hard. This Christmas movie fully deserves an adult rating, and television sensors had a tough time coming up with creative filler words to substitute for the repeated use of “motherf — er”. Back in the day, TBS used to show the original Die Hard and its’ sequel but turned McClane’s popular catchphrase into “Yippee-kai-yay, Mr. Falcon”. I always pictured the editors being really drunk when they did this, and that made the movie all the more enjoyable.
(10) On the tenth viewing of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… Alan Rickman’s face as his character falls from the top of Nakatomi Tower. Spoiler alert 29 years later: Hans Gruber falls from the top of the skyscraper to his death. They filmed this scene using a bit of visual trickery and by dropping the actor 25 feet onto an airbag. However, the stunt crew decided to drop Rickman unexpectedly to get a shot of genuine terror on his face. What resulted is one of the best “holy-shit” moments in cinematic history.
(11) On the eleventh day of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… some of the sequels. Building a movie franchise is hard work, and so many fail to deliver the goods of the first. While the legacy of Die Hard is a little uneven, there are some magical moments that would not have been created if the first was not such a success. Die Hard 2 has some quality scenes, but the true heir of the original is Die Hard: With a Vengeance. The buddy-cop team of Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson is gold. The lesson that McClane is constantly learning in the Die Hard series is that we all need friends and family to keep us going, or at least that is my take away. And while he’s had many supporters, Sam Jackson will always be your best bet.
(12) On the twelfth day of Die Hard, my true love gave to me… Pie Hard. For the last few years, a group of friends and I have formed an annual Christmas event known as Pie Hard. We gather together for a night of pizza (the Die Hard of pies), collaborating to give our pizza-delivery person a sizable tip, followed by a competitive pie competition in which the winner takes home a trophy. It’s part quote-a-long/ part-cosplay / part-drinking game. It’s become one of my favorite nights of the year. Great movies create great discussions and thus mold great communities. I would highly encourage you to create your own Pie Hard event this year.
So after reflecting on these gifts, all I have to say is this: Watch Die Hard this season and Yippee-kai-yay, Mr. Falcon.
