Sanity, Sex, & Standards: 5 Things You Learn While Single
Lately, I learned something new. You know that’s usually how we start here. Yes, I learned something I had NO idea about. And I’m happy I know now because it made this piece even more necessary.
Did YOU know…that in our society, women who are unmarried after a certain age are frowned upon?! Trill shit. I had NO idea. None. And here I am secretly shaming my friends who got married in college. Blah.
Let’s be clear, relationships are the very LAST thing on my mind right now. I just wrote my second book, finally have a best friend I can count on, and just bought my 4th car. I am looking into buying my first property this year, am clearing up my credit, and have been taking much better care of my body.
For the first time in my life, I’m fuckin proud of myself. I remember graduating college and opting not to walk across the stage, realizing that every victory in life had felt hollow. My largest accomplishment at that time and I couldn’t even smile about it. That was the day I decided to stop living my life for the approval of others. Had I figured that shit out $60,000 earlier I w…never mind. Irrelevant to our purpose here.
After leaving college early, I moved to Atlanta. Then is when I decided on my new life. Before I left Texas, I vowed not to take old habits with me.
Why go somewhere doing the same things you were doing before, expecting some grandiose change?
I vowed that I would find myself, wherever she was, whatever pieces of her I left behind and I promised that I would never ever ever let anyone come before her again.
I heard a quote from an old friend once. Held on to it everyday since.
“We accept the love we think we deserve”.
That was sensitive for me.
I’m an extremely introspective person. We talked about that in the last piece. And that shit really hit home. “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Damn, what a concept.
I remembered all of the times I let people half love me. Friends I’d felt a burden to. I thought back to every time my mother or father expressed their love and the nothingness I felt in its stead. I remembered every man I’d laid with holding no expectations, and gotten just that in return. I thought of all of the times I’d told others I loved myself, not having an inkling of an idea as to what that meant. And I wanted something different.
I couldn’t lie to myself anymore about how I really felt. I didn’t even want to honestly. I mean really. How could having friends feel so empty? Like the people I knew didn’t even know me, like they didn’t love me back the same as I loved them. I wondered if anyone would have remembered my birthday had I not said a word. I wondered if anyone knew my favorite color. I wondered if my family had really known me enough to know why I opted out of the 9–5 lifestyle. And then the men…
I remember most of them.
If I said all I’d be lying. But I remember a time, honestly…where I was fuckin for conquest. When you are a conscious feminine being, you handle that energy how your personality mandates. I, well, I have more masculine energy than the average woman. So sex, for me, became a exercise of superiority, an act of defiance against societal stigma and standard. However, after the act became underwhelmingly predictable, it certainly became hollow.
I think this is the side of female sensuality that we don’t talk about. The woman who owns, explores, understands, and indulges in her sexuality. So within becoming and owning that woman, I began to search the void of that dark, hollow space and understand what I needed.
Ironically, it wasn’t a man.
It was me.
After a certain age, we begin to hear more the phrase “find yourself”. Truth be told, nobody knows what that means.
Don’t beat yourself up for missing the elusive secret. You don’t know the secret until you give the whole thing a shot and find it to be an ongoing series of events placed in your path to force you to utilize words like “no”, “hell no”, and “fuck off” (all of which you feel totally guiltless about).
But what does one find out on that journey to self?
- You find out how incomplete of a human being you are. And you embrace that. Like how could you have really made it this far with this level of emotional incompetence? Good thing you figured that out before dragging some poor soul through the wringer with your nonsense and emotional baggage. One thing I took away from my incompleteness is the desire to want to complete myself long before looking for someone else to do it. When we look for others to fill or void we essentially hand them the power to determine how we feel about and perceive our lives and ultimately, our happiness. You’ve got to know what it is that makes you happy. The person for forever deserves you at your best, your most happy, so that they can be a blessing to your bliss.
- How much time you wasted with those others and how little time there is to LIVE your life. Now that you’ve found time to do all of the little things you’ve been putting off (because you have no other way to pass the time) you’ve got a bit more time to really think about what went wrong in your previous relationships. Upon that reflection you will find out two things. First, you had a bad picker once upon a time. It’s ok. We all go through some really questionable situations with the opposite sex. But the bigger picture it paints is how you feel about yourself. The company you keep and how they treat you is very telling. People around us are the outward expressions of an internal love. So all those other folks before now were meant to be a lesson, teaching us what we love and what we can do without. Plus, now that you’ve finally learned how to have fun alone, you can’t just be giving that up for anyone! Life is short and if you picture yourself married, your alone time is winding down; so cash in on all the day drinking and irresponsibility you can before committing yourself to answering questions about your squalid adventures.
- Your worth. Ever heard the saying “What you won’t do, somebody else will”? Trrruuuuuuu! There is no reason to settle into a long term situation with someone who isn’t adding value to your life be it emotional, mental, or spiritual, they should be supplying for you more of the things you love. You finally understand that you can have anything in this life and that includes anyone, so you carry yourself a bit differently. You understand that you are worth the love you’ve always pictured for yourself and therefore hold those who treat you lesser accountable for their actions.
- You notice all of your friends’ shitty relationship problems and realize you can do without the headache. Hell, you have enough shit going on with the “finding yourself” thing to be trying to figure out the particulars of the party your S.O. attended the night before. You’re all in for the sob stories but all the while you’re listening to your friend thinking “Couldn’t be me” and silently adding to your “Things to Avoid” list in your notes.
- You finally have standards! Who knew? Once you have a better handle on who you are a person, you are able to say, definitively, what you like, what you don’t like, and what you just won’t stand for. Guess what. Those are called standards and they are necessary. Well…cause if you don’t have those, then it opens the door for another shitty incident waiting to happen and we finally rid ourselves of those around #2. The great thing is, though, you have a higher chance of getting someone that you actually want if you know what it is you’re looking for. It’s all about preparation. Plus, no one who has also been through this process will fault you for standards. On the contrary, they will love them, strive to surpass them, and congratulate you on your decision to embark on such a tedious path of self reflection and love.
So don’t be apologetic about your oneness. There’s a method to the madness. One day, love will change the very air you breathe, the rhythmic patterns of your pulse, and bind itself to the rapidly firing neurons in your brain and the chords of your heart. But, you have, literally, your entire forever, to be with someone. Why not spend some of that eternity with the person who has been there for you the most?