When I Stopped Taking My Pain Personally
And there it was.
Plan as day.
The answer to all of my mental frustration, the reason for all the distractions, and feelings of loneliness.
Thank You, Josh Fechter #EternalBlessings
Stop Consuming. Start Creating.
How to be a Doer.
Three years ago, I would consider myself a different person. I was young and ambitious. Bright and full of creative energy. I was lost, but looking for my way. Those who are in search are never truly lost, are they? And in the first year that I made my big city debut, I wrote a book. I wrote my very first book. That was something to be proud of. Whether I really was at the time, we will discuss in later posts.
But it was definitely what many would call an “accomplishment”.
I’m not sure whose or when, but the voices started.
The ones that say “you’re not good enough to be here.” Or the one that muse “Surely this can’t be how the stars have done it. Where are all of the people?” Between the fantasy of success and its realities, I found myself crushed. I thought once you became “successful” life stopped. I thought it was that place you hit where one day, you’ve worked hard enough, found enough of the keys, sat through the prerequisite education, and now…now it’s all beautiful. Private cars, personal shoppers, fabulous restaurants, and celebrity friends. And I’m just being honest here, so don’t judge me. Oh, but I know your ideas couldn’t have been too far off! We all have our idea of what “the life” looks like. That’s why we chase it. We secretly envy those who have it and covet their families and material possessions. We just do.
But then I became “successful”….
Shit. No private car…well kinda..yes. Mine. My private car with the broken window and me starring as the makeup artist in the dead of traffic 7 minutes behind for a panel in front of a crowd of 15 when you were expecting 150. Talk about a shock. And it wasn’t until that time had come and gone that I realized…I’d made it. I’d done it.
The thing about success, and moreso fame is, you work hard to get it. But you have to work even harder to maintain it. So I spent a lot of that time not being present. Not truly enjoying my journey. Not truly embracing that crowd of 15 because it wasn’t exactly what I’d pictured. Thinking there had to be more and more. Always waiting on the next big thing.
And I miss those days. I miss those moments. I’ll never get my first book or music tour back. I miss that girl who would fearlessly walk to the VIP in any club and demand access (and go tattle to security who I’d strategically made friends with when I couldn’t get in). I had some glorious days that first year. And then life started happening. I hadn’t expected that. I thought with the good times came a perfect life. Things were perfect, yet I’d expected them to be. But it all comes from us not living in our realities.
The reality is I was homeless for a long time.
So is the woman I met at the bus depot.
More reality? I am estranged from my family. In a city this large, so many people are.
I muted my emotions for years because it seemed like the way other people were dealing with this life. Then I realized that may be how they are dealing, but who is actually healing? I accepted my reality.
Which isn’t much different from many others. I stopped feeling alone and stopped taking my happenings personally.
When I did that, I was able to truly feel compassion and empathy for others. I would never console someone by saying “Someone out there has it worse”, but I understood what that meant for me. In my line of work, life is about finding the beauty and your balance in order to share with others. If I am able to connect with my pain, I can only imagine what others could be fighting. And it is my duty to help.
I accepted that the art we create is based upon real life experiences.
And real life is traumatic.
We are all that character in the movie. And it seems the characters live with more passion and emotion than the humans they’re inspired by.
When I came back to reality and accepted my own, I truly learned what gratitude meant. I learned how to fill in the emotion where there had only been emptiness and scar. And for that gift, I am thankful.
Now I look forward to the memories I’ll make. I am considerably thankful for the past for it was only a glimpse of what lies ahead. Learning from the past guarantees inspiration for the future. Inspiration is the breath of the Doer.
Thanks for Reading!
If you like this post I will shamelessly tell you to read more. You may like my Top Read, music meets social commentary: How Migos Changed the Culture of Trap Music with One Video.
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