Fear, Rejection and Failure are an Alpha’s Best Friends. Part I: Fear
In this 3-part series, I’m going to help you understand how fear, rejection and failure are not only a necessary part of life, but a necessary part of success. They are the qualities and experiences behind the most successful, most respected men in the world today. I’m going to help you start shifting your paradigm to view all three as being qualities and experiences to embrace and be grateful for.
Fear, rejection and failure have a bad reputation. Men are achievement oriented; we are driven by our goals, our mission and our purpose in life. Fear, rejection and failure are seen as qualities and experiences of the weak, the beta males. When strong, driven, high achievers experience any one of these, it brings out our self-critic who has no problem telling us that we are failures. He tells us we’re never going to be successful or achieve greatness. We feel like we have lost the one thing that is most important to us as men: respect. As high achievers, or alphas, we are not only the most driven and ambitious, but we are also the most self-critical and take rejection and failure especially hard because of the incredibly high standards we hold for ourselves.
We believe that the most successful among us are successful because they somehow avoided fear, rejection, and failure on their way to the top. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, those who are most successful have experienced more fear, rejection, and failure than most of us ever will. Their success is a result of them embracing these three experiences instead of avoiding them. If you have a level of success you are trying to achieve, making these three your closest allies will give you an edge against your competition.
Fear as Your Ally
As a man, our fear is our best friend and closest ally because your fear holds the greatest potential for growth. Fear is the arrow that points you in the direction you need to take next in life. Chances are, whatever you are fearing is what you need to face head-on the most. It is the opportunity for you to display your power and your courage to yourself, your woman, and other men. Respect isn’t won through eliminating fear, it’s won by acknowledging your fear, feeling it, being courageous and doing something everyone else is too afraid to do. The greater the fear, the greater the reward.
Fear and Women
When I was in my early 20s and struggling with women, a friend of mine told me that if I went to the bar and walked up to and talked to the most gorgeous woman there, chances are that I would be taking her home that night, or at least getting a date with her. Reason being, the most gorgeous woman there is also the least likely to be hit on because most guys are just way too intimidated to approach and talk to her with confidence. I would have been the stand out among everyone else. Years later, after learning more about how attraction and seduction work, I found this to be accurate. The number one complaint that the women I have dated had about men is that they don’t approach enough and they don’t approach in the right way. Men who will approach a woman without showing fear or hesitation are much more likely to get a positive response because they stand out as alphas in a world of betas.
Look at the types of men women often are attracted to: Police Officers, Firefighters, Soldiers, CEOs, Athletes. All of these professions require courage. It takes courage to deal with the bad guys day in and day out, to run into burning buildings, to stare death in the face, to run a company where people count on you to make decisions that affect their entire lives, and to step out onto the court or the field of the rink and risk costing the team a championship. These guys feel the fear and do it anyway, despite the risks. That is what makes them alpha, and that is what causes them to be attractive to women.
How to Beat Fear
Fear is the child of uncertainty. When we are uncertain about how things are going to turn out, we become fearful and automatically default to the worst case scenario. We assume that things will not turn out or will blow up in our face. This kind of thinking gives us permission to not move forward. If rejection and failure are inevitable, then why even bother? The problem with this kind of thinking is that rejection and failure are not always inevitable.
The cure for fear is preparation and practice. As Lao Tzu says in the Tao Te Ching, “Success depends on prior preparation and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure”. By preparing for whatever it is that you are looking to achieve, you give yourself a much better chance at success. If fear is the child of uncertainty, than preparation and practice are the parents of success. Preparation allows us to become more confident when faced with the uncertainty of our goal. Want to improve your relationship? Research and read up on what women find most attractive or what your role is as a man within a relationship. Going for a job interview? Read up on the job, the company and know the facts going in. Preparation won’t eliminate the fear, but it will give us confidence to know that fear didn’t stop us.
Practice is the second key to beating fear. Trying to eliminate approach anxiety? The first time you take that first step, you are going to suck. Trust me, I know I did. Nobody is good at anything the very first time they try it. There is a myth of genius in our society. We watch the A-players in their respective field and we attribute their success to genius. This is a lie we have sold ourselves to give ourselves permission to not do the work and experience the pain and frustration it will take to get ourselves to the top of our field. The “geniuses” among us practiced and practiced their craft day in and day out. What we see is only the result of years and years of hard work, trial and error and practice. Repetition is the mother of skill; the more we practice, the better we become. The better we become the more we realize the fear we experienced just before starting was not only irrational, but a complete and total lie we had sold ourselves.
To get you started, try this:
Make a list of 5 things you have been avoiding because of fear. For each item, write down how your life would improve if you worked through the fear and accomplished this goal. Then write down how your life will look if you let fear rule you and avoid accomplishing your goal.
Take one of these goals and make a commitment to yourself on how you will accomplish this or at least start working toward it in the next 30 days.
I’ll conclude by saying recognize fear for what it is: the part of yourself that guides you to the next level of greatness. Acknowledge it, thank it, then make it your bitch.