The New Me

Long live Old Logan! Old Logan is dead. New Logan reigns forever…but who is he?

I am 29, a father of two, and recently (one year ago) divorced. The new me is someone who has come to terms with a partner’s emotional infidelity, the profound loss that comes from losing an entire family unit, and ultimately with who I am. Something I struggled with in the beginning, and every so often when I feel down, is that small inkling of pride that makes you say:

“What was so wrong with me that I can’t be loved/respected/cherished?”

You know what? Sometimes the problem isn’t you. To move on, you have to be okay with that. That’s an easy thing to say, but much harder to practice. I know that I was an excellent husband (I know that sounds arrogant, but I worked hard at it) and that I provided a comfortable, safe, and loving environment for my family. My partner did not see the value in that, and sought out other avenues for her own reasons. I fully acknowledge that her choices ended our marriage. However, that’s not where the work ended. That question bothers me from time to time. Why is being a good person, good husband, and good father not enough? The reason this happens (and may be happening to you) is because of pride. Pride keeps you at the center of it all. I might have been working hard to provide for my family, but clearly something was missing. The missing piece for me was that I had to come to terms with the knowledge that all of those attributes that made me a good husband were not enough, and more importantly…that does not reflect upon me.

I know that sounds crazy. How could it be that simple? The situation isn’t my fault? The problems weren’t partially mine? I might actually be good enough as I am, and don’t need artificial inflation? These are all thoughts that I had during my healing process. Over the space of a year, I have unpacked my own neuroses over and over. Why have I found solace in the fact that I was not enough for someone that I loved? Why am I okay with that? Does that make me crazy? Am I setting myself up for failure?

The answers: I found solace through understanding that what I thought was enough simply was not enough, and given the situation there may not be an enough to meet that need. At least not from me. I had to come to terms with that. I am okay with that conclusion because it’s not a failure of my own. I did not give up, concede defeat, or turn my back. I moved on. That is completely okay to do. I’m not crazy (at least not because of all this). By moving on, I’ve set myself up to succeed where I have previously failed.

So…the new me: approaching 30, single loving father of two, dedicated to self improvement, and seeking challenge and change. I welcome my future. I’m me in a way I haven’t been in years, a welcome return of confidence and defiance and exuberance.