Warning: That holiday DNA test might turn your life upside down
Holiday sales uncover a flurry of DNA surprises
It’s Sibling Season. That’s what people in the DNA surprise community, particularly those who are donor-conceived, call this time of year. ’Tis the season for unexpected relatives to pop up on 23&Me, AncestryDNA, and other testing websites.
As we head into holiday consumerism, at-home DNA testing kits are purchased en masse. The consumer DNA testing industry generated $1.29 billion in 2021. This number continues climbing year over year.
Black Friday and Cyber Monday offer would-be test-takers massive discounts — kits are up to half off during holiday sales. The prospect of learning something interesting about one’s ethnicity, medical history, or even famous relatives makes these kits tempting gifts to share with family and friends.
Please don’t.
A DNA Surprise
Like many, I took advantage of a sale when I purchased my AncestryDNA kit. It was Prime Day. I’d been curious about my Indigenous roots for more than a decade and decided it was time to find out more. Maybe I’d learn I was related to someone interesting. Perhaps I’d connect with long-lost relatives.
I did connect with long-lost relatives. Just not in the way that I expected.
My DNA test not only revealed that the man who raised me is not my biological father, but in a truly rare occurrence, it also revealed the man who is. I matched directly with him.
As I’ve previously written about, my mom and dad believed my biological father was another man, someone they wanted to protect me from. Unbeknownst to them, my true biological father lived across the country with a family of his own. He’s a good man. A nice man. No one involved — and I mean no one — knew this truth.
He’s also a completely different ethnicity than I was raised to believe I am. I grew up white and Mexican. My bio dad is African American.
That’s right — I got two DNA surprises for the price of one. What a deal.
I joined the thousands of people who, through the magic of DNA testing, discovered that they are NPEs — folks who have experienced a non-parental event.
The Shock of a Lifetime
At 35 years old, I learned that two fundamental pieces of my identity were false: my parentage and my ethnic background. I joined thousands of people who, through the magic of DNA testing, discovered that they are NPEs — folks who have experienced a non-parental event.
My DNA surprise caused a complete upheaval of my identity.
My relationship with my raised family was tested. I began the slow process of learning about people who shared significant amounts of DNA with me, yet whom I did not know. I’ve had to explore what my new cultural identity means to me, accepting that I will never have the opportunity to truly live that experience.
For days after my DNA surprise, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I felt anxious, depressed, and alone.
But I wasn’t alone.
It’s estimated that 5 percent of people have misattributed parentage. That’s 16.6 million Americans, for perspective.
In my work in the DNA surprise community, I regularly poll my podcast listeners. When I asked them how being an NPE makes them feel, they used the following words:
- Betrayed
- Traumatized
- Lonely
- Confused
- Afraid
Surprises are hard to process and largely unexpected. And they don’t go away. When I asked my audience how often they think of their DNA surprise, 95% said they think of it every single day. Forever.
No Regrets
I’ve been asked if I regret taking my test. The answer is no — and most of the people I’ve spoken with express the same.
We’re glad we know the truth about who we are and where we come from. I firmly believe that we have the right to know our origins. I’m grateful that I have the opportunity to connect with my newfound family and truly know myself.
But I’m also a believer in informed consent. People need to be aware that an NPE is a real possibility when they decide to spit into a tube and send off their DNA for analysis. It’s not uncommon. Remember, it’s estimated that 1 in 20 of us have misattributed parentage.
Name 20 people you know. It’s common.
While there are many resources offering support following a DNA discovery, much of the research and awareness around these events is lacking. I’ve made it my mission to increase awareness about DNA surprises, not only to support my fellow NPEs but to alert people to the real emotional risks of consumer DNA testing.
Consumer DNA tests are not lighthearted stocking stuffers. They should come with big warning labels, not bows.
Buyer beware
To be clear, I fully support and encourage consumer DNA testing — without it, I wouldn’t know my truth. But consumers need to understand the likelihood of a DNA surprise.
There is no way to fully prepare oneself for an NPE, but people must consider the possible outcomes before making a purchase.
Consumer DNA tests are not lighthearted stocking stuffers. They should come with big warning labels, not bows.
Before you buy your friend or family member a DNA test, consider that you may be opening the door to a shocking discovery that they aren’t ready for.
Consider yourself warned.
