A Guide to Healthy Self-Esteem and Setting Boundaries.
Tips for healthier relationships with yourself and others.
When a person begins their journey to get healthy, the first step is to learn what healthy self-esteem and boundaries are, and to implement these components into their daily life. Get these two areas on board and working as they should, and your life will transform. Your mental well-being and personal relationships will improve, and then you can move on to deepen your awareness in the other three core areas that will send you into recovery from Childhood Developmental Trauma (CDT), perception (seeing and processing information accurately), dependency, and moderation. It’s a journey that is well-worth the time and effort.
Self-Esteem.
When a person has healthy self-esteem, they value themselves every day, all the time. They know that because they are a human being, they were born precious and valuable. It is an acceptance and appreciation of oneself that is constant and cannot be lost or taken away. It is not dependent on how smart or beautiful you are, how hard you work, how clean your house is, what others think of you, or anything else. If you see someone who has this, you may notice they practice self-care, they make sure their own needs are met, they get physical check ups, take care of their mind and body, get help when needed, they know who they are, and work to live their life authentically, knowing that is what one must do to thrive though the lifespan.
The person with healthy self-esteem avoids comparing themselves to others and harshly judging themself, they learn how to control the negative voice in their head and foster a warm and compassionate relationship with themself. For example, I started adult life as dysfunctional as it gets. I shamed myself for every mistake and bad decision, undervalued my talents and gifts, and kept myself from sticking my neck out to create opportunities because I figured I’d be rejected anyway. I did all these things until I learned not to do them. Now I have nothing but love and compassion for the mistake making woman I am. I look back at 25-year-old clueless Becky who sabotaged herself more times than I can count, and send her only love, understanding, and compassion. The journey of personal growth and self-acceptance means you take control of your thoughts instead of allowing your negative thoughts to take control of you. It’s a learned skill, and anytime you are listening to and believing the things the nasty voice in your head says, you’re not on track. The most important things you can do for you is to learn to quiet the negative voice and take control of your life in a positive way. Kindness and compassion to self is what must happen from this day forward.
Quieting the negative voice.
Try these following tips for quieting the negative voice …. I picture mine as one of those life-size demons that you can buy during Halloween to scare passersby. Why not visualize what yours may look like? I imagine mine sits next to me, to my left, trying to tear me down, “You’re so stupid, Becky,” “Damn, you’re looking old, Becky,” “You will never sell your book, Becky.” “Everyone hates you, Becky.” And on and on. Sound familiar? Whether you are a Christian or not, you have probably heard of the concept of angel on the shoulder, devil on the shoulder. It’s a good example for understanding what’s going on inside our heads. At any given moment the devil or angel fights for control of our personality. The devil part is from the dark side and is an entity that wants human beings to suffer and ultimately, destroy themselves. Think of the worst person in the world sitting by your side telling you what a pitiful person you are. Would you sit there and listen to it? Worse, would you believe what it tells you?
Now, create an angel in your mind’s eye. Mine is like a Disney mother from old movies I watched as a child. The Disney mom back then was beautiful, loving, kind, and all things good. This persona sits by me to my right. My imaginary loving mom is ever watchful and my protector, she keeps an eye on anything or anyone that might hurt me, and she steps in immediately if anything negative pops into my thoughts. How the two interact is something like this:
Sitting reading my email, I notice I have received another rejection notice from a book agent.
Demon voice: “Ha, I told you that you wouldn’t be able to sell that book. You wasted all that time and money writing it, and you’ve sent it to dozens of agents with the same result, and ….”
Disney mom: “Stop! No, you don’t. You won’t be talking to Becky about her book in that way. You don’t know anything about the book business, and you’re just a liar that wants her to give up. You leave her alone; she’s not going to believe a word you say.” The Disney mom turns to me and says, “Becky, keep going for it. Your book is wonderful, and it is so needed. Don’t give up! I believe in you, and it’s just a matter of time before an agent who wants to take it on comes along.”
Getting to know the different voices or personas in your head is an excellent practice. It’s all in your own thoughts, of course, but we are dealing with multiple selves in our mind … the taskmaster, critic, judge are just a few … but surely you have noticed the two we hear the most … the one that has your best interest at heart, and the one that wants to take you down, both wrestling for airtime in your head. Learning to block the negative voice is imperative for your emotional health and self-esteem. Paying attention to yourself is what we all call mindfulness and awareness. You must be mindful and aware to escape the thoughts that try to talk you out of having a healthy life. The good news is, once the negative voice realizes you are on to it, it won’t bother you nearly as much. Unfortunately, the more you listen to it and believe the negative things it says, the more it will take over your thinking. Today mine barely messes with me. No matter what it says, though, I shrug it off. That is the direction you are heading in.
What self esteem is.
In the end, having healthy self-esteem is a decision you must make as part of your core beliefs. If you were born, you are valuable, and that’s it. If you believe that all humans are inherently valuable, then you are there, because that includes you. Can you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I am a human; therefore, I was born valuable? My worth is not based on productivity, achievements, or any external truths.” Unhealthy self-esteem works one of two ways … feeling less than most people, which is low self-esteem, or feeling better than most people, which is grandiosity. Whichever way you sway, just pay attention to yourself having less than or better than thoughts, then correct yourself immediately.
Less than thought: “I am the least attractive and successful person at this party. What am I even doing here?” Positive voice correcting the less than thought: “Everyone here is probably thinking the exact same thing about themselves. You belong here, you’re doing great, no more beating yourself up.”
Better than thought: “I have never seen such a bunch of losers in one place.” Positive voice correcting the better than thought: “Bring yourself back to the human being level where no one is better than anyone else.”
Boundaries.
Boundaries are the way human beings protect themselves. It’s our security system. The security system is meant to work two ways, to protect us from others, and to protect others from us, physically and psychologically. When we are protecting others from us, we literally restrain ourselves from saying the first thing that comes to mind, or touching someone, or going through their purse or other boundary violating acts.
Most people grew up in families with unhealthy boundaries. The first most common situation is that the family had steel-like boundaries, and were walled off, and the second type, is that the family had a lack of boundaries, and said and did to one other whatever they wanted. If your family was boundary-less, you are probably boundary-less. If they were walled-off, you probably are, too. My family members were boundary-less, and I grew up the same way. I knew not to go through someone’s purse and would never do that, but I would say things to people that were unfiltered, unedited, and often invasive. My mouth became a verbal AK-47 because that’s what I grew up with. I also shared too much information about my own life, information that wasn’t safe to be shared with others. Someone told me early on that they were “scared of me,” and that was the first realization I had that there was something wrong with how I conducted myself. Now I look back at my past self with mortification, but also compassion — using the positive voice — because past Becky didn’t know any better and was simply doing exactly what her dysfunctional family had been doing her whole life.
Today, I still share, It’s part of my personality. But I know what is safe to share and what is not. I am told often in therapy that I am direct, but I choose not to waste people’s time beating around the therapy bush when I could tell them the truth of what I see in 5 minutes instead of letting them figure it out themselves over a period of weeks. Medical doctors don’t make their patients diagnose themselves, after all. Although in the past a therapist being direct was looked down upon in our profession, I have been reading articles in our counseling and therapy magazines that this is now becoming a more accepted and needed intervention for our tool basket. Most of my clients appreciate it, and I applaud the change. The best therapists I have ever had leveled with me and said something I badly needed to hear. The trick is to be yourself, be diplomatic, compassionate, and political. Being political refers to considering the long-term ramifications of what you say or do.
Physical boundaries.
Physical boundaries have to do with the body. I didn’t realize until I became a therapist how many people freak out if another person touches them. Knowing this, I try to respect that boundary by never touching anyone without their permission. Since I am a former hugger and toucher, as I was boundary-less, I am not always perfect at this, but I want very much to respect other people’s sensibilities. Some people have been physically or sexually abused and have trauma related to touching, and others simply hate it. It’s none of our business to know what’s going on, so the best rule of thumb is to not touch people without asking first. With my knowledge and understanding of the different types of boundaries, I cringe when I see people try to force babies and toddlers to hug and kiss people. “Give Aunt Thelma a kiss!” This must be ground zero for learning terrible boundaries. The baby or toddler has no ability to protect or restrain themselves, so adults must do it for them until they are old enough. Asking them to hug, touch or kiss without asking Aunt Thelma if it is okay is in an invasion of a person’s boundaries but asking your child to subject themself to it is even worse.
Some people are so clueless about personal physical boundaries that they touch, hug, kiss, and think nothing of crawling up into your personal space. When we teach boundaries, there are those that must be told not to stand closer than two feet from another human without their request or agreement. I loved COVID for one reason: People started practicing wonderful, strong personal boundaries. Standing six feet apart was hunky dory with me as a good place for boundary-less people to start being aware of another’s personal space.
Sexual boundaries and self-care.
Couples often have enormous problems with sexual boundaries, and when I describe what they are, you’ll see why. First, each person in a relationship has the right to agree to engage in sexual activity or not as a form of self-care. If a person does not feel like having sex for whatever reason, they should be able to safely say so without any push back, punishment, or negativity from their partner.
I have dealt with many a husband who pouts when his wife does not want sex. (I am not saying wives never do that, but I can’t think of any right now.) Here is the deal: If we really love our partner, we should not want them to have sex when they do not feel like it. We should be happy for them that they feel comfortable enough with us that they would tell us that. We must recognize it as a form of self-care. Who would want to make love to someone who doesn’t want to make love? To pout, punish, act out, huff and puff when your partner doesn’t want sex is to be controlling in the most negative of ways. You make it about yourself, and not about the relationship.
If you desire your partner tonight, and they beg off, don’t take it personally. Men and women across the world who love, adore, and are wildly attracted to their partners sometimes don’t want to have sexual intercourse. If anyone takes it personally, they need to nurture themselves with the positive Disney-like mother voice I described above. With all of that said, if you get rejected constantly and your relationship has evolved to being rarely sexual, seek professional help to understand what’s going on. There are so many physiological and mental aspects to sexual desire, so be responsive to figuring out what is going on.
Psychological Boundaries.
This is my favorite subject in all of therapy involving interpersonal and romantic relationships. It must be learned, because no one, and I mean no one, knows it unless they have been told. If you have someone in your life who often annoys you, it’s probably because they crossed a psychological boundary. Here are the basic rules of thumb for practicing psychological boundaries.
1. Every adult has the right to free will, but also understands there are consequences to certain actions.
2. No adult has a right to instruct, teach, advise another adult without their invitation. This means no unsolicited advice or fixing.
3. Rule number two applies to every type of relationship — marital, romantic, family, friends, grown children, interpersonal.
That’s it. If I want to instruct my husband about something today, I must ask for his permission. “May I share with you a better way to do what you’re doing?” If he says no thanks, I must back off. If he complains about someone he knows and I’d like to comment, I must say something like, “May I share with you what I think about that?” If he says no thanks, I must back off. It’s very simple, yet almost no one does it.
The worst offenders of all are parents of adults, who somehow got the idea that is okay to keep parenting, aka controlling, their child until kingdom comes. Nope. Once children are grown and independent, their lives are their own, and to be respectful, you must practice the rules I listed above. Thousands of adult children have complained to me about their intrusive, controlling parents over the years, and I’ve talked with quite a few parents who were disgusted that their grown children would no longer be controlled, so I know it’s rampant.
Your grown child does not have to visit, do chores for you, or take care of you in your old age if they do not desire to. When my mother was 97 and I was 57 she still gave me advice and shared her opinions, especially about how I looked. “Change your hair, it’s too long,” but that very old pup wasn’t going to learn new tricks. She’d always say, “Well, I’m still your mother!” You have to know who is a lost cause when it comes to learning psychological boundaries, and I knew she was, but I wasn’t going to cut my mother off, and it really didn’t bother me much anyway because I usually dumped her advice in the trash can on the way out the door. Some of my clients have chucked all or part of their biological families from their lives because of a lack of boundaries, and it’s a personal decision each person must make on their own.
Why healthy self-esteem and boundaries are so important.
Learning these two dynamics and practicing them as a part of your daily mental, emotional, and physical health routines are steps number one and two for having healthy relationships, not just with others, but with ourselves. Good boundaries bring us peace, and at the end of the day, most of my clients tell me they are seeking peace and freedom to be themselves. I can assure you that you are perfectly designed for whatever your purpose is, and that by caring for yourself and practicing stellar boundaries, you have the most important tools we need in life. There are others, of course, but master these first.
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a private practice in Little Rock, Arkansas, as a life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
