Three Priorities that Create Happy, Successful, Families.
The keys to making everyone happy, including yourself.
People don’t have their priorities straight, and it’s a sad fact that it’s messing up their lives. I imagine it’s like everything else I talk about here; they don’t because of the ignorance we all share initially regarding dating, marriage, family, and individual mental and emotional health. You might have a perfect score on the SAT, degrees from the best schools, and be a member of MENSA. Still, I assure you that unless you have specifically studied healthy mental and emotional health for individuals and relationships, at the end of the day, you have no idea what you’re doing when it comes to setting healthy life priorities.
Life is difficult for everyone, and we are all trying to figure it out. As we move through each season of life, we start careers, get married, have kids, deal with biological families, and maintain friendships and hobbies, and available time slots become short. We end up juggling the major categories in our lives while few things or people get our full attention, and often, it turns into an exercise of numerous plates spinning on a stick, like a Chinese acrobat. In cases like that, the lack of knowing where to put our focus and for how long, we end up stressed, overwhelmed, and miserable. We chase the plates that are about to fall off the stick, and they become our immediate priority. And before too long, the complaints start to come. Your needs aren’t met, your partner’s needs aren’t met, and no one is happy, especially you.
Career, spouse, biological family, hobbies, kids, responsibilities, friends, rest, exercise … how do you figure out how much time and focus to devote to each one? When I talk to couples who are experiencing problems, I almost always find that the priorities are completely out of whack and time management is non-existent. Personal and marital satisfaction (of course) is nowhere to be found. This tells me they have no idea what healthy priorities are or how to weed out unnecessary things and delegate, so they try to do it all themselves.
How I wish when we all got our adult cards and when we wed, a short article and list of priorities written by a Marriage and Family Therapist like me was dispensed to everyone. I’d also want proof that what was in it was understood. Since that doesn’t happen, I’m going to give you one now and explain the reasoning behind each one. The list is intentional and based on experience and what research tells us works best for mental health and for families.
Weeding unnecessary things off your list of priorities.
Most people overestimate how much they can have on their plate at one time, says motivational guru Tony Robbins, and he is correct. Years ago, when I was working on myself and trying to stop my depression and panic attacks, I learned this lesson. I had piled my life plate up like my only meal of the week at an all-you-can-eat buffet. At my therapist’s urging, I drastically cut back on my responsibilities and obligations, and life began to change. I realized it was like eliminating things from your diet to see what you might be allergic to. I eliminated unnecessary commitments and waited to see how I felt. This was a good way to measure how these things affected my mental and emotional health.
Almost immediately, I felt relief. My body became less tight, aches and pains and tightness in my chest went away, and I began to experience what good health is all about. Once I noticed this, there was no way I was ever going to go back to the buffet and load my plate. I wasn’t going to sell my mental health out so others could be happy.
However, one thing to be aware of is that we will all become overwhelmed at certain times even though we are on top of managing our well-being. Things can happen that are beyond our control. The important thing is to notice if the situation is temporary. Hopefully, it is because your soul needs to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. If it isn’t then you may need to delegate, ask for help, and do what you must to get yourself back to balance.
Understanding that one of the most common disabilities that comes with childhood developmental trauma is to become anti-dependent, which means you have adapted to become needless and wantless, and unable and unwilling to ask for help or even to share the burdens you feel, that will have to be addressed so you can learn that in a healthy partnership and life, people help one another.
As you consider what your priorities and obligations are now, think seriously about which ones might be eliminated altogether. I remember vividly having about ten things on my list of must-dos at the time, and I winnowed it down to three. Me, my husband, and children. Other things were still on my list of things I cared about, like my biological family and friends, but they were no longer priorities.
The Inner Peace Circle
I have spent untold hours explaining what mismanagement of time and responsibilities does to human beings and finally decided to create a graphic that shows it beyond a doubt. It’s one of the most powerful tools I have to illustrate the message of how important priorities and boundaries are. The center of the circle is what we all seek — inner peace. How do you get inner peace? By being true to yourself. What is being true to yourself? Doing things that you enjoy and feel right, things that put you in a good mood and positive vibration. Humans need as much of that as they can get. When we pile too much on our plates, do too many things we don’t enjoy, dread, or take our peace away, we will feel uncomfortable feelings in our bodies and pay a price. PS. Life wasn’t meant to be a miserable experience.
The Inner Peace Circle shows what happens if we ignore our body’s messages. The farther away from the center, the more unhealthy it is. Learning how to manage your mental and emotional health like a business is imperative, keeping yourself in the black and not overdrawn. The root cause of most of our suffering is often not getting enough of what we need and want.
The Inner Peace Circle shows what happens to humans if they are out of balance and not true to themselves. Graphic: Copyright@Becky Whetstone, Ph.D.
The (healthy) list of priorities.
1. Yourself. At the top of anyone’s list should be your own health and well being. This person is self-aware, tuned in, and pays attention to themself, as described by the Inner Peace Circle. Some segments of our culture have long taught that it is selfish to put yourself first, and nothing angers me more. Terms like selfless, used as a compliment, you deserve it, suggesting that you must have bloody knuckles in order to have good times, is insane. Throw those ideas in the trash as plans for self-destruction. The idea that life is suffering is wrong and you have to wait until you die to experience the good is nuts. There is much good to be had now if you will manage your life in a healthy way and bring yourself into balance.
Why are you number one on the list of priorities? Because a healthy, balanced you has energy and sparkle, and a person with energy and sparkle can bring that to everything else they do. You can’t have a healthy marriage or thriving young children if you aren’t bringing your best self to the family. A depleted you, operating on fumes, is a great plan for having a dysfunctional family system. Also, showing your children that taking care of yourself is a necessary and wonderful thing is some of the best role modeling you could do. The airline analogy of “If the oxygen mask falls down, put it on yourself first, then your children” is a perfect example of how it works. Without a healthy you, there cannot be a healthy family.
2. Marriage. To have a great marriage that thrives over the lifespan, you have to spend a lot of time thinking about and focusing on it and treating your spouse like the girlfriend or boyfriend you wooed and dated. Almost all romances begin with seduction on both sides when the human mind is in a state of enveloping obsession. Romance is fun and easy, then. Then life gets difficult as we get busy with careers and children start to arrive (if they do). Almost every couple I talk to tells me their marital relationship issues began when they had children. There’s nothing like working all day or staying home with the kids, then having continued chaos in the evening when you’re already exhausted, to destroy any thoughts of physical intimacy or emotional connection.
Both partners are exhausted, of course, and both need rest and adult conversation, and with high maintenance, super-immature, and emotional children, it is next to impossible. (The nature of a child is to be unruly, like a wild animal. The idea that we can get them to behave like adults is laughably ridiculous.) When couples describe this common scenario, I ask, “Can you afford a nanny, a babysitter, do you have family that can help, what resources for assistance do you have, and what options do you have?” Time and again, couples tell me they cannot afford babysitters or child care on a regular basis, or their town is too small, they don’t want others watching their children, family isn’t near, they have no friends they could take turns with.
My oldest sister was 17 years older than I am and had two tiny children in 1966. She stayed at home, her husband worked, and he was very private with his finances, and she perceived him as frugal — she had no idea how much money they had. She was in a constant state of overwhelm with her children, he wasn’t helpful, and after 22 years of marriage they divorced, of course it was initiated by her.
However, I will never forget her giving me advice when I was in college, way before I married and had children. She said, “Becky, don’t have kids until you can afford help or a babysitter.” She described what not having help was like, and it sounded horrible.
I took her advice to heart, and when I did have children, I tried taking care of them on my own for a while and almost lost my mind. I hired a live-in nanny, and although my marriage didn’t make it, it’s not because we were stressed over the children. If you have no funds, friends, or family who can help you have enough freedom to rest and focus on yourselves and each other, and you don’t want others watching your children, I don’t know what to tell you. If I were in your shoes, I would try and come up with a solution. Otherwise, you must make a pact that you will not let these exhausting years suck your marriage dry.
I am saying that marriage comes before children. In no way should your children come first, except under special circumstances like birthdays, illness, and hospitalization. Children do not benefit when we make them the center of our universe. They need to learn how to entertain themselves and honor the relationship that brought them into this world. Their time of coming first will arrive when they’re finally on their own. As self-centered as children are, most would want their parents to be happy and want you to make their relationship an important priority.
New parents, especially moms, are surprised when they first have a child and find themselves madly in love with this precious little baby. These feelings of love are usually something a new mother has never felt before, and it is easy for your spouse’s significance to pale in comparison. I didn’t invent the phenomenon of one parent feeling left out of the child/parent bond. You must be aware of this and overrule your instinct to replace your spouse in your heart with your baby. It will be hard, but it is the only way to ensure that your family unit maintains a solid foundation and the needs of the entire family are met. We are shooting for enough love and attention for the child and your spouse, not one or the other.
3. Kids. As I said, under the number two priority, the marriage category, kids must come behind the marriage as far as your priorities are concerned. I addressed it pretty clearly there, and wise couples will make certain they spread the love and attention around so everyone gets enough of what they need. Note that I used the word, enough. Most of us can’t have all of what we want and need in a family system, but the most important thing is finding that sweet spot where everyone is satisfied.
4. Career. Suppose you weren’t born into life’s scholarship plan, where you have enough inheritance or trust fund money to support your family your entire life, making having a career optional, then you will have to work. When a career is necessary, it’s understood that it will require a big chunk of your life, time, and focus. This is a tough dynamic to get into balance, especially for men, whose brains are wired such that purpose is their primary focus. For most women, it is love. Here’s the rub, though: If you choose to create a family with a spouse and children, and you must work, you still have to meet their basic needs for love, quality time, attention, and connection. This goes for both genders. You can’t expect to put your immediate family on a shelf and expect them to be there like a favorite unread book when you come out of your workaholism or retire. I tell single people who love their careers that if you don’t practice the healthy priorities listed here, I strongly suggest you stay single.
5. Biological family. (Optional). So many of my clients make themselves miserable, catering to the needs and expectations of their fully grown biological family members. This is an area where many young families can make cuts to their responsibilities and obligations, and should. Still, clients tell me their family will “get mad if I don’t go” or “I will feel guilty for not going.” If this is you, this is a problem of your own creation, and my suggestion would be you work through these feelings with a trauma therapist so you can make healthier decisions.
Remember, you are now an adult and have priorities to tend to. You can’t do it all and stay healthy. Please understand that any adult who can take care of themselves should be taking care of themselves. For example, if your 70-year-old mother can take herself to the doctor and can be responsible for her medical concerns, she should be doing so. If she would like you to come along, you could, so long as you have the extra time and energy and the rest of your priorities are taken care of and you want to. If we help those who are capable in everyday situations, it will eat up our time and energy, which we already don’t have enough of, while enabling that person to be dependent. Setting smart boundaries with your biological family is something all of us need to practice.
My daughter is 33 and tells me that many of her friends have already given up their own dreams to become full-time caretakers to their parents or their spouse’s parents. As a mother, the last thing I would ever want to see is my daughter give up the best years of her life to tend to me, and would do anything and everything in my power to see that this never happens. A healthy family would feel the same.
Since we have limited time and energy to meet our priorities, and our biological families should be responsible for themselves while they can, this is an optional area, meaning you do not have to do it. It is especially optional when your biological family is so dysfunctional or abusive that being around them is unhealthy for you. Deciding how much time, effort, and energy you devote to your biological family is a personal decision, and as an adult, you have the free will to manage it however you choose.
6. Friends, hobbies. (Optional). We can live without friends and hobbies, but why would we want to? Research tells us that these are the things that are the secret sauce that makes life wonderful and the brain thrive. Still, when you’re overwhelmed, you may have to minimize or eliminate these time-eaters from time to time. I have heard many a husband who loves to hunt tell me that his wife knew he hunted constantly throughout the hunting season when she married him and, therefore, should accept it. If this isn’t a me-oriented stance I don’t know what is. The problem here is that he is meeting his top priority, himself, at the expense of his other priorities: his partner and children. In these cases, we have to be flexible and find a way to enjoy our hobby in balance while making sure everyone is getting their needs met. If you leave your spouse and children emotionally unattended and wanting, so you can go off and do what you want as long as you want, the stock of your marriage will drop, and you may soon find yourself with plenty of time for your hobby. If you aren’t flexible about these types of things and willing to compromise, then maybe marriage and family are not for you.
Understand the importance of getting your priorities right.
Now, you have a great plan for balancing yourself and your family unit so that everyone gets what they need. Great marriages and families are intentional. You have to stay awake and aware, take your partner’s complaints seriously, and respond to them positively as they come along. Show your children what a good marriage looks like; it’s one of the easiest ways to guarantee their mental and emotional health and your own.
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Arkansas and Texas* and is known as America’s Marriage Crisis Manager®. She is a former features writer and columnist for the San Antonio Express-News and has worked with thousands of couples to save their marriages. She can work with you, too, as a life coach if you’re not in Texas or Arkansas. She is also co-host of the Call Your Mother Relationship Show on YouTube and has a telehealth private practice as a therapist and life coach via Zoom. To contact her, check out www.DoctorBecky.com and www.MarriageCrisisManager.com. Also, here is how to find her work on Huffington Post. Don’t forget to follow her on Medium so you don’t miss a thing!
For licensure verification, find Becky Whetstone Cheairs.
