Fear of ennui, by an A-type personality
It’s not simple being an A-type person. Chill, a word in my vocabulary, is not a skill I have in practice.
Disclaimer: this post really has no point. My A-ness just made me break my writing so I could make this disclaimer. The only point is to understand how restless an A-type can get.
There have been numerous times when my A-ness just shows.
While driving and I’m behind someone at the traffic light:
Car in front of me: *takes more than 5 seconds to move from a green light*
Me: *blows horn*
While driving and I’m in front of the line at the traffic light:
Me: *steps on gas immediately to get moving, even though other side is jam-packed*
In my defense, my reason for doing that is so that I don’t cause 10, 20, 30, 50, 70 second delays to the cars behind me. The further away the car is from the traffic light, the more a delay at the front affects them, because not all cars move at the same time. I hate being at the receiving end of that, which is 98% of the time.
It’s just not natural for me to sit down and relax, and this is something I’ve always worked around as a kid.
While preparing to wait in line at the doctor’s office with my mom:
Me: I will bring a book.
While waiting in line:
Me: (I don’t need the book, because I’m talking to my mom. Or watching the time because it’s taking forever. Or thinking, “Is the doctor even in yet? Why are there so many other people in here? Why did we choose to go now? Is there a better time that we could have gone to have less people? How much time does each consultation take? Why is mine always shorter? I should get more time since I waited long, too.”)
Even as an adult, just not having anything to do is torture.
While going out of the house to anywhere:
Me: I will bring a notebook and a power bank.
Wife: Why do you need those?
Me: Don’t ask, I just want to make sure I have these when I need them.
As you can see, it’s always so hard for me to think of what not to bring, because I don’t want to have nothing to do.
As I type this up now, it’s 36 minutes away from 2017. My wife and son are sleeping in bed, and my parents and siblings are in the next hotel room. We’re waiting for midnight to hit.
Why on heavens would someone bring a laptop to a staycation? Because I’m an A-type. Because I thought bringing the laptop would yield maximum utility — I can read some of my 698 Pocket Articles on it (white space is underrated, folks), I can get some work done for Tuesday, I can play some games on my emulator, or I can get some writing done (check!). This was aside from bringing gym clothes because I knew I hadn’t gone to the gym in 6 months, and I could gym here for free. And aside from having the limited-access hotel lounge to hang out in.
Speaking of hotel lounge…
I had about 15 minutes to myself earlier this afternoon (self-time is a luxury with a 1 year old son), so I decided to go up to the lounge. I got some candied cinnamon walnuts and took the empty table. I had arrived before the deluge of guests who had the same access as us, so that was a success.
I sat down, thinking, “what should I do? I’m here, there’s a good view, and there aren’t many people yet. I can go back down and get my laptop, and get some writing done. No, what a waste of good time. I should go down and head to the gym again. I need to make the most use of my 2 days here. Or maybe I can just read ebooks on my phone. Or, just stare at this view. Too many choices. I’ll just stare at this view and decide again.”
Three minutes later, I had wolfed down the candied walnuts, and I had taken 3 deep breaths, and stared enough. I stood up and walked around, thinking, “I want to head down to the gym. I’ve stared enough. Should I have a coffee for extra energy?”
Then I saw this rainbow fog.
“Hey! That looks so cool. I should take a nice photo,” I thought to myself.
One minute, 4 photos and 2 locations later, I was done. I didn’t really see the need to try and take any more nice photos. “The photo will never do justice to the real thing, anyway,” I said.
I stared at it for a good 30 seconds, then decided it was time to head down to the gym. I skipped on the coffee because it’d take another few minutes to get that finished. I didn’t have the time!
I had a good view, overflowing coffee and tea, and high tea snacks coming up. Why did I keep rushing? And while this was all going on, I couldn’t help but think that maybe I should have chosen to write or read instead.
Later on, after going to the gym, I was considering whether I should go back up to the lounge to write, stay in the comfortable couch in the room to read, use the desk in the room to play on my laptop, or lie in bed and watch TV.
Life is never simple. There is always so much to do. I’m not complaining; I’m still very thankful that I have the choices I do.
It just gets tiring sometimes, always thinking of what to do. (As I typed this line, I looked out the hotel window to see all the fireworks going on, and wondered, how will I ever get to enjoy all those while being more productive, knocking articles out of my Pocket list?)
And that is why, next year, I’m limiting myself to 3 goals only.
Happy new year, everyone.
