The Best Items Blood Can Buy

Giving blood is good. People need blood to live. I give blood as often as I can. Some people aren’t allowed to give blood because of old outdated blood rules. But there is never enough blood. So in order to get people who can give blood to give away their blood, there is an incentive program to get people to donate blood. Here are the best items you can use your blood to redeem.

Behold a Pale Horse

Learn all of our nation’s top secret info with your blood. I think you need to give some of your blood to buy this book in a bookstore anyway, so at least it will go to a good place this time.

DVDs!

“Did you see Joy?”

“Yes.”

“In the theater?”

“Don’t be crazy.”

I gave someone my blood and then 7–14 days later Dirty Grandpa showed up.

Lithium Jump Starter / USB Charger

You don’t even need a car for this. Just carry it around with you like Radio Raheem and when someone you need to impress has to charge their USB device on the spot, you swoop right in.

7" Touchscreen Wireless Surveillance System

The average blood donation yields about 70–100 points. This costs 9,500-plus. I gave all the blood I’ll ever own for this but nobody will ever touch my shoebox full of Shawn Kemp Cavs cards ever again.

Sunglasses

These are the perfect glasses for you to make David Caruso-CSI opener jokes.

“Are those new sunglasses?”

“You’re bloody right they are.”

*pulls off sunglasses, Roger Daltry screams*

Chocolate

Blood chocolate

Electric razor

So you don’t cut yourself shaving and waste any.

Magazine subscriptions

You can get a year’s worth of Cosmopolitan or Essence or The Source but for me, I’ll stick with 365 days worth of Variety Puzzles. They are hours and hours of puzzle fun. Six a year so every two months, new puzzles. A gift.

Turntables

I gave blood and now I am a DJ.

Torture equipment

I don’t condone torture. Torture is very bad. But if you needed the equipment for some reason, this is how you get it.

Applebees gift cards

Sign me up for a coupla Bourbon Street Chicken and Shrimp platters. It’s on me. Literally?

So yeah, there’s a lot of good stuff you can get.

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