I Wanna Sex You Up Baby
I’m amazed at what people will tell me they do or don’t understand when I explain something. Well, they never actually grant me their understanding; that seems to be reserved for after they’ve broken up or when they’re alone at the end of the night wondering how I can just be so backward and weird. Without much surprise, I’ve found sex to be one of the most hot button and contentious issues, and I’m positively dumbfounded as to why.
First of all, I’m a big believer in relationships. I don’t think that word gets to be hijacked by monogamy. It is logically sound to say I have a relationship with each and every one of my friends. For a relationship to matter for me, it involves two individuals. They need to be people, with perspectives and reasoning skills and personal feelings about things. No shit 101. You’re not exactly like anyone else, your history is your own, your thoughts and decisions are yours to make. I try to respect that, foster that, and be an example of that.
Sex is a game. Sex is serious. Sex is potentially dangerous. Sex can be emotional or not. It can come easy or be one of the biggest issues in someone’s life. Sex is fun, fairly simple, and enjoyed by practically everything that’s ever lived. I don’t know why some people have a hard time believing that it can be all of these things or that I somehow don’t grasp all the things it can mean.
When I talk about sex, it’s usually in jest because it tends to err on the positive side of things I think about. It isn’t to belittle it or demean the different circumstances in which people are having it. In the same vein, I’m usually met with people who say “I just don’t understand you!” or “I don’t agree” or “How can you do this or that, doesn’t it mean all these things I’ve just put into your mouth?!” I secretly hope someone ever tells that last one word for word.
Classically, I hear one of two things; sex is important because it denotes someone you love or that fact of your love or, it’s just “different” or “special” than anything else you do. It’s used as a separating device apparently.
Here’s where I take issue. Sex fundamentally is a reward system developed in order for things to propagate. Any moral or emotional flavor that your sex life has is injected by you. If you want it to be dramatic, you can make either/or statements about its significance. You can equate it with love. You attach the feelings you get from it to the flurry of memories and interactions you’ve had with the person you’re having sex with. I don’t regard this as a bad thing, necessarily. What bugs me is when the opposite of this process is regarded as “bad” “naïve” “reckless” “empty” and assumed about people who don’t describe their sex lives in romance novel terms.
I’m one of those people. I think sex can be important, I understand it’s like a pinnacle for some peoples’ relationships. I know how it’s been used to fuck over and manipulate a number of my friends. Yet, I somehow persist in my venture to be turned on and sexed out. I don’t play with people’s emotions. I don’t lie about where I’m coming from. I don’t base my relationships or regard them in the amount of sex I’m having or not with someone. I don’t really understand how anyone could.
“But Nick, you’re an emotionally crippled and cynical bastard, how could you possibly have soul enough to truly empathize with the plight of my feelings for the one I love and choose to make my only sex partner?” This frankly is horrendously condescending and mean. When I’m mean to someone I identify something they care about and try to reduce it to something that I actively try to make them feel bad over. I genuinely care about my relationships and when depicted as the kind of person above, it’s more than a bit annoying.
Your feelings exist in the vault that is your mind and body, but that doesn’t mean feeling is somehow reserved for when you are experiencing it the most. I would love the chance to defend my friendships or relationships or fuck buddies or whatever the fuck else that I’ve worked on creating in my life. It’s because I base those things on principles and ideas that come before sex; honesty, happiness, comfort, intellectual stimulation, fun, trust. You know, things that healthy relationships and friendships are based on. Whether sex comes into the equation or not, if you don’t have those things, you’re doing it wrong.
“But Nick, sex is still ‘special’ and ‘different’ with the person you love.” Then explain to me how! I get that you get a rush or are more emotionally involved with that person at that time, but explain to me how there is this edict about life that “special and different” make any sense beyond your personal attachment. When I hear this it’s like someone telling me that animal rights are more important than gun control. When asked why they think this, they simply respond, “Animals are special!” “I think about them differently!”
I’d rather not have sex with someone who thinks it can only be about getting off or being a one night stand. When asked the point of one night stands, if your answer is anything more than “to get off,” you’re doing it wrong. And if you don’t understand getting off, what is this ever growing queer (not gay) nature of the loving sex you’re allegedly having? If you can’t have fun with it, regard it as spending time with someone you’re attracted to, or respect it as something you don’t engage in with “just anyone at any time” then I don’t want you having sex with me. That’s fucking weird. Try masturbating to a paper towel roll, randomly, not even when you’re horny where it might work. That’s basically how I feel about trying to engage in sex for the sake of sex alone.
People are attractive for any number of reasons, not all of which solely reside in them. If you can call two people hot or funny or whatever then you have to understand what I mean. For the laundry list of cool things I can say about me, I know other people are funny, cute, relatively not fat, and potentially intellectually stimulating. This doesn’t invalidate or diminish who I am or how we relate to each other. I can think of nothing worse than thinking of our friendship sacrificed because there wasn’t room for you to figure out why you find two people cool or attractive. Jealousy in a scenario like this serves a purpose. It means you give a damn! It doesn’t mean you hate or are willing to hurt someone, it just means you recognize what you have matters. It should help you protect it and prompt you to raise any concerns you might have, not send you spiraling out of control.
I have been, can be, and will probably go on having emotions. They’ve been, could be, and probably will continue to jump in a fairly familiar realm that yours can dwell in as well. I don’t enslave myself to them, which doesn’t make me cold, it makes me an adult. I don’t make excuses for them, and I don’t like to pretend that my experience with them hasn’t given me at least a modicum of helpful or useful advice when it comes to sex or relationships. Yes, some shit you have to go through by yourself, some people will remain ever interred by their first or parent’s notion of sex, and some people will continue to use it in all sorts of odd or manipulative ways, but stop pretending the conversation is between two extremes. And stop pretending you don’t understand me or my position when I so clearly lay it out like I laid your mom, who “loved” it.
Originally published at dogg724.blogspot.com on April 17, 2016.