My manifesto

Dom
Dom
Aug 9, 2017 · 5 min read

I’ve not been very well for a while now — for over half a year I was unexpectedly promoted to a job that I felt incapable of succeeding at, and over the months this developed into sleepless night, panic attacks, night sweats, and a general wearing away of my strength and energy so that other areas of my life suffered as well.

The good thing is that I realised this (too late, but still) and took action. I now have a new job, which comes with its own pressures (such as never having worked in this field before) but is currently giving me some breathing room to find my way.

However, this isn’t the silver bullet to my problems. My mental health is still low — I panic whenever anything unexpected happens at work or plans change at home, I don’t exercise, I rarely get out of bed before midday if by myself, I don’t have any hobbies or the energy to pursue them (beyond mindlessly playing mobile games while watching TV), I put things off or just avoid thinking about them until the last minute, and I struggle to speak and connect with other people.

Sad times, Tobias

But again, the good thing is that I’ve realised this too. And I think I’m ready to begin building myself back up again to become a person I’m happy to be and to start finding more joy in life. But I am not very good at doing things if I don’t plan them out and write them down, so this is my attempt. This is my manifesto.

  1. I will tell my partner about this.

Let’s start with the hardest first! It’s never easy to say “I’m really unhappy with myself, and this is how I want to fix it”. By telling someone else, it makes it even more real and opens yourself up for judgement (I will blog more on this at a later date). But I live with my partner — I can’t do this in secret and I can’t succeed without her support. And she deserves to know what’s going on.

2. I will pick two hobbies and stick at them.

I think the best way to do this is to write a list (done!), then pick a couple from there and work on them at least twice a week. I think three months is long enough to see if it’s something I enjoy — if not, I’ll switch to something else on the list.

The list is: Guitar, bass guitar, keyboard, photography, astronomy, xbox, running, swimming, writing fiction, reading fiction, blogging, cooking, Japanese language, French language, Italian language. I’m always open to other suggestions though.

3. I will exercise.

The benefits of exercise on depression are well documented, let alone on general health levels. Previously I attended a twice weekly HIT class, which definitely improved my fitness and led to weight loss (although there were areas I still needed to concentrate on, like upper body strength). To meet this promise, exercise on week night and one weekend day will be a starting point.

4. I will improve my mindfulness through meditation.

Mindfulness is something I’m quite conflicted about — it felt like a fad rather than anything with any scientific backing behind it (although I do need to research that). However, I do think it could benefit me to take a step back from my emotions when they hit me, so this is what I’ll try. I’ve downloaded an app (Stop, Breathe & Think) which I will aim to use every day (usually on the commute to work).

5. I will better myself at work.

I’m generally not too bad in the workplace — I’m smart, friendly, generally deliver and have enough general knowledge to get by in most situations. Yet the people I admire most are those who know their subjects inside out — they plan, they inspire, they seek out experts and learn from them. And they learn how to improve as individuals as well — how to be role models to others.

To achieve this one, I am going to read more about my current focus and actually plan how to implement what I learn into my job. I will also organise visits with other organisations to learn how they have done it. And I will properly make use of my communications mentor.

6. I will make time for my friends

I am not good at maintaining contact or relationships if I don’t see someone every day. I find it hard work, and so I tend to avoid it and let friendships decay (and then feel bad that they and other friends are out having fun without me). So I will create a list of people I will speak with at least once a week.

7. I will write weekly updates and keep a daily journal.

When I was younger I used to love writing, and always wanted to write fiction when I was an adult. But over the years my fear of judgement stopped me before I even started anything. I also felt intimidated by my favourite writers — I knew I couldn’t write anything as good as them and so why bother? I also get hung up on details — how can I write about a castle if I don’t know it’s layout? What is a motte and bailey? What do they have in their rooms? How do they keep the rain out without glass? When was glass invented? And so on.

However, I do quite enjoy writing (which is partly why my previous (and potentially future) career was in comms). So I’m going to try and provide a weekly update on my progress. I also have an absolutely terrible memory, so I’m also going to try and keep a daily journal of key things which have happened throughout the day.

And that’s everything! Now that I’ve written it all down, it sounds like a lot (possibly too much). But that’s ok — improvements in any of these areas will be good for my mental health, so let’s start here and see where it takes me.

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