HUMOR

Wake up, America

Image by Allange from Pixabay

A long-running ruse? A clever cover? Or, more likely, a diversion conjured by the ultra-shrewd mind of Dudley Do-Right?

I myself have long suspected that Canada is like the quiet but calculating understudy waiting for the lead player of their hit show to sprain her ankle so she can finally strut her stuff.

If All About Eve gave you the creeps, just wait until you see the 2043 documentary All About Canada.

Exhibit A: Thought Rick Mercer’s Talking to Americans was just some cheeky show mocking dumbness in America? …


HUMOR

Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the calm

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

Against all good sense and the stern warnings of a zealous optometrist, I often deliberately “misplace” my glasses.

The way I figure it, and I am in no way an expert, I’d rather give my eyes a regular workout in the hopes that they’ll stay in shape longer instead of forever-indulging them in a pair of 20-20 crutches.

By my twisted logic, I can think of at least six major upshots to being born — and deciding to remain — a modern Magoo:

Misreading Headlines — Comedy Gold

Just the other day, I misread a NASA Livestream Video headline as “Drop Test of an Onion…


HUMOR

Ask for my e-mail and you will e-fail

Photo by Pau Casals on Unsplash

The email turned 50 this week. Hard to believe it’s older than Slovakia.

For its part, the Toronto Star took the liberty of celebrating the historic milestone with this rave review:

“We are living with an embedded system of digital communication that, for all its usefulness, distracts people from work, produces angst, and reduces productivity.”

Hmm. Useful you say?

Since returning to quills, carrier pigeons, and striped airmail envelopes — though terrifically tempting— seems a tad impractical, here are a few suggestions on who/what to mercilessly cull from your inbox. …


HUMOR

A Smörgåsbord of Edifying Consequences

Photo by Cláudio Luiz Castro on Unsplash

Our current ideas about punishment date back to The Code of Hammurabi. Seems to me they’re due for an update.

And I am a sucker for making any challenge more fun and creative — cooking, public speaking, making chit-chat with Aunt Brillo with the lazy-eyed pug and the pilling beanie.

So when it comes to a contentious and private matter like disciplining a child, I’m often baffled by why so few of us put two strings in one bow — by entertaining ourselves and educating them in one fell swoop— rather than losing our cool and acting like zombies on…


HUMOR

Judging Zoomers By Their Book Covers

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Before the pandemic, I often joked that some brave soul ought to take virtual meetings with toys in the background to buck the trend of “all hail the books”. It always invariably looks like everyone’s trying so hard to make an impression.

“You won’t regret hiring/interviewing/working with me. I know what I’m talking about. Look at all these books I may or may not have read stacked up behind me like a Fortress of Intellectual Excellence.”

Some people seem to opt for the Dewey Decimal system, while others strategically place select titles face-first as plugs or to send a message.


HUMOR

Taking Grievance To a Whole New Level

Image by Ag Ku from Pixabay

The Universe is a mysterious place.

When cases of children “remembering past lives” started cropping up across the Bible Belt some years ago, I don’t mind admitting I was flush with roguish glee. Because there’s nothing like timeworn and transcultural “sacrilege” gaining traction among the youngins to throw those ponies for a loop.

An entire academic program has been studying these phenomena. Even the media — ever the steady, focused, and reliable Fourth Estate—covers it.

As scholars appropriately strive to be scientific and precise, they may have missed some of the more colorful tidbits from the deepest recesses of at…


SATIRE

New programs, their price tags, and more signs of apocalyptic doom

Image by Wokandapix from Pixabay

Dead Professors Continuing to Teach, Celebrity Admissions Scandals, Free Speech Controversies — higher-ed sure has changed in recent years.

Because MFA’s and MBA’s just weren’t enough, here are some lesser-known advanced programs by our self-proclaimed prestigious universities — guaranteeing decades of free entertainment for the rest of us:

Conceptual Poetry

6 Years. $2.2 million/year, adjusted for inflation.

American Sustainability Studies

35+ Years. Cost fluctuates in accordance with National Debt Clock.

Ethical Environmental Finance

2 Months. Online Only. 1k Bitcoins per minute.

Woke Marketing

50 cents/per credit plus $350k for paid promotional materials sponsored by Pepsi™️. Updateable every 6 months ad infinitum.

Music No Sentient Being Could Ever Enjoy

80k/credit. Data Analytics Tools+Synthesizers not included.

Prenatal Reiki

8 years. $250/hour…


HUMOR

Treasured Principle Speaks Out — Against Itself

Photo by Максим Рыжкин on Unsplash

More than Hume’s Guillotine and Newton’s Flaming Laser Sword — I have remained a much-publicized and oft-quoted principle.

“All else being equal, simpler explanations are generally better than more complex ones.”

Now there will always be some who get carried away by what they think I mean here — usually, though, as if I was a clarion call to just “take it easy”.

But, increasingly, I get the feeling that I’m being inappropriately tapped by any clown who speed-read Sagan. …


HUMOR

We’re not klutzes — we’re just overly ambitious

Wikimedia Commons

We have the spatial awareness of movie-ghosts, i.e. we think walls — and so many other edifices — just don’t apply to us. Brick, mortar, metal, stone, wood, igloo, PVC, glass, straw, cement, adobe. You name it.

No material is ever too dense, no peak too high, no reinforcement ever too heavy to dissuade us from hurtling headfirst into its facade — and then pretending it didn’t happen. Not the way you witnessed it, at least.

I see a wall and think “That thing? That’s not getting in the way of my will-to-achieve. Mind over matter!”

If you share this…

Don Be

Shepherd. Humorist. You only want me for my brain.

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