What if Dunkirk was a Bollywood movie?

Bharat Bhaskaran
Jul 24, 2017 · 2 min read

So I just returned from the theater after watching Dunkirk for the second time and I was completely lost in its visuals. Not just that, the movie beautifully captures survival and how people react to it and work together. Christopher Nolan is obviously a genius. There are hardly any dialogues in the movie and the whole beauty of the movie lies in its subtlety. That got me thinking, what if Dunkirk was a Bollywood movie? How loud would it be and how many dialogues would it have? So that made me write this piece in the click-baity, trending Buzzfeed/Scoopwhoop format. (Severe Spoiler alert. Read after watching the movie, maybe?)

So here’s 10 things that would have happened in Dunkirk if it was a Bollywood movie-

  1. The movie would be a star studded affair. At least 3 Khans, 3 Kapoors, 1 Bachchan and 2 theater stars (quota) would play the lead roles.
  2. At least 6 characters in the movie would have back stories and flashbacks. I can totally picture some of them making promises to their mothers that they will return victorious.
  3. Tom Hardy’s character Farrier would definitely have a back story where they would show us his intense air force training. There he would learn this really cool maneuver from his teacher which he would use in the climax to kill the German planes.
  4. THERE WERE 400000 SOLDIERS AND NOT ONE SONG LIKE KANDHON SE MILTE HAIN KANDHE? I am disappointed. Bollywood would definitely have a group song.
  5. That same theme song ka sad version will play when Gibson drowns and dies. Theme song ka sad version toh banta hai boss.
  6. At least 5 characters in the movie will have a lucky charm that they will wear on their neck or arm or belt which they will touch and say ‘Jai Mata Di’ before every big fight.
  7. The Hollywood version surely lacked a German General/tactician villain who would show us his evil laugh every time a English ship is bombed. Our Bollywood version will surely have a “Mobombo khush hua”.
  8. Obviously, the story will be rewritten in such a way that our heroes win. There will also be songs like ‘Hum kaam ko Dun-kirke hi lautenge’
  9. Sadly, however, a few of our heroes will die. But despite getting shot by bullets, some of them will wear a mine/grenade maala on themselves and jump onto a rival plane/ship so that their death is not wasted.
  10. There would definitely be one Doctor character who would explain Cilian Murphy’s behaviour and explain PTSD to lay people in the movie. (Post the movie, the movie will be praised for talking about diseases that nobody talks about and Aamir Khan will feature the Director in an episode of Satyameva Jayate)

I wish they let me make such a movie, but I am no Nolan. If anyone wants to pick up this script (hello J.P. Dutta), do let me know. I will be sitting in my house watching Suneil Shetty say “Isne meri dharti maa ko gaali diya hai sir.” Dunkirk definitely missed such passionate scenes.

Thanks for reading. You deserve this 2 minute video.

-@donbratman

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