Stop hating on yourself!

Donna Eade
Aug 8, 2017 · 7 min read

I am not one to blow smoke up the proverbial. I can’t stand it when people fish for compliments by being self-deprecating and worse the people who blatantly lie to try and make someone feel better.

My favourite bit of me (currently under construction)

Today I want to talk about body image and why we need to stop hating on ourselves. I spent the first goodness knows how long of my life hating my body. I hated the fact it was bigger than I wanted, I hated the fact my calf muscles are bigger than what knee high boots say is the average. I hated that I didn’t have boobs when all my friends did and I hated the stretch marks that appeared all over as my weight changed and only got worse when I was pregnant. That’s a lot of hate right?

What does all this hate do? I truly believe it buries itself inside you and produces a negative state of mind that seeps into every area of you life. It makes you feel sad all the time and nothing seems to go right. You’re in a negative cycle that only cycles downwards. So what can we do?

The first step is to stop hating. This will be hard but what I mean is stop hating out loud. I’ve yet to get to the point where I can quiet my inner voice but maybe one day.

Don’t give the words airspace though, saying ‘I hate’ out loud does nothing to help, so don’t say it.

Find something you do love about yourself. Everyone can come up with one. I started with my hair, I love my hair. I love how long it is, I love that t looks good short as well, I suit a fringe my hairdresser says it’s great hair to cut, I was a natural auburn which I loved, it’s now an ashy colour so I dye it and I’m fine with that. Once I focused on that on love another came to light. I was fed up with hating on my body so I looked at it and looked hard in the mirror, what could I love about this?

Then I discovered my waist. I’ve always hidden myself under baggy clothes because I’ve a permanent-baby pouch. It’s not my daughters fault it’s just years of yo-young plus my pregnancy and it really never goes even when I’m smaller. Doing this meant I was hiding my best body feature by far. I have the classic hourglass measurements 10 inch difference between waist and hips and between waist and bust. I sometimes stray an inch or so out of it but my waist is, compared to the rest of me, tiny. And I love that!

So now I’m into week four of my weight loss journey I’m back to my waist training. This helps my posture and keeps me warm as well as encouraging my already great body shape. What ever your body shape there is something you should love about it. Stop focusing on the size and look at the shape. I am envious of my apple counterparts for their slim legs for example.

Find something you love and then you’ll start to find other things to love too. Say these out loud. I love my…fill in the blank. You don’t have to say it to others if it makes you feel uncomfortable but the more you can say it the more your mind will start it’s shift. No more self-deprecating statements.

Now I said I couldn’t stand those that self-deprecate for compliments and I do mean that because think about it, if you say to someone I’m so fat I hate it. What exactly are you wanting the response to be? Here are the options

  • The blowing smoke response. No your not (and if you are over weight and we all know if we are that doesn’t make you feel better it make you call your friend a liar)
  • The reflective response. Well what are you going to do about it? (This in fact is the best answer for you to hear because it puts it right back where it belongs in your hands only you can change what you don’t like)
  • The down there with you response. Me too (the solidarity in the same issue again this achieves nothing except perhaps you get irritated by your friend because you were talking about you and they have made it about them made even worse if they are smaller than you because you can’t see past your own pain.

I am often caught in the last one but I’m trying to lean more on the second. If someone says something self-dedicating I will try to ask what the options are to change it rather than telling them they are fine. Telling them they are fine actually belittles their issue which can be very real to them. I’m fat and I hate it, followed by no your not your fine, also says I don’t care to listen to how you feel about yourself because I either don’t believe your issue is real or I’ve issues of my own that i feel are worse.

People who self deprecate from my own experience want one of two things, validation or help. These who want validation need to stop, you are enough and you don’t need others to tell you that. Those that need help, need their friends to be friends and offer to listen and talk through solutions. The solutions have to come from within but friends can talk them through and offer alternatives once the conversation is started. You will soon discover what your friends want from you because someone wanting validation will likely be offended if you suggest a solution to their ‘problem’.

Although I’ve tried to stop hating on myself I don’t believe in lying to myself either. I will be honest about myself and focus on what I love not what I don’t. A great example of this is my post from a few says ago ‘The mistake I made all by myself’. In that post I loaded three images my 2014 shocked me into action image, my 2015 success image and an image from two weeks ago showing success slipped away from me. In the first two I have my classic pout. I dislike having my picture taken on my own so I tend to step into a model persona like I’m on a cat walk to get me through it. In the third I was with someone else and my other half was taking the picture we were laughing and joking and I felt comfortable so I’m smiling. My mum God love her (and she does read my blogs, thanks mommy) pointed out on my Facebook link to it and not for the first time how much she loves it when I smile in photos. I looked at the three images and and said this

I know but when I smile it gives me wrinkles and makes my face look fat.

I wasn’t looking for validation I was just stating the truth. Even in my 2014 shock image my face looked thinner because I was pouting therefore the cheeks are drawn in not pushed out like they are when you smile FACT. And smiling and laughing do cause wrinkles the good kind but still it’s a FACT. I wasn’t lying I wasn’t looking for validation and I wasn’t self-deprecating I was just sating the facts which are true for everyone. However, my mum came back with ‘No they don’t.’ Now my mum is my mum and I know she means well but this is a classic example of us as humans wanting to make people feel better even if it means fibbing to them. I wasn’t sad I didn’t need to be made to feel better I just stated facts and I was then validated with a lie.

Remember the old saying ‘if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing’ it’s the truth but don’t make up something nice just to say something. This is more difficult on social media, where we read into things because emotion and inflection aren’t readable. Sometimes you feel you have to respond or be seen as ignoring what the person has said. Sometimes in this instance an emoji will suffice, sometimes it’s worth picking up that device you have sat on your desk or in your hand right now. It has this fantastic feature of being able to dial a number and put you straight through to that person so you can actually speak to each other. Marvellous technology what will they think of next?

I hope you enjoyed this read, if so please give it a ❤️ and a share if you think someone else might find it useful.

>>> You can join my mailing list to find out when my publications are due. I’m currently working on a novel which I hope to be finished by December, so for news and updates please join me HERE don’t worry I don’t spam and I wont over load your inbox. Monthly updates at most any changes will be sent to you so you can opt out if you like :) <<<

Donna Eade

Written by

I'm a mother, author and entrepreneur, I own my own photography studio and have just started the Society of Professional Wedding Vendors. http://bit.ly/MyfbAu

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