Why Don’t Marriages last anymore?

Years ago say around 40 or 50 years, I’d have been one of the only singletons in my age bracket destined for life on the shelf surrounded by cats. At 36 I’d have well past my sell by date. Thankfully that is not the case these days and I still have great hope that I will get my wedding day in the not too distant future.

The question is WHY, if we now have more time to find Mr Right, do marriages seem to last a nano second where as our grandparents got married at 18 and are still going strong?

(This is one of my bride and grooms and they are still going strong I’m pleased to say)

We now look at 18 year olds looking to get married and warn them off telling them they are too young and they should wait. Yet our grand parents were told if you’re not married by 25 you’ll be stuck on the shelf.

So we wait we grow we become more of who we are as an individual learning from relationship failures and moving on until we find our Mr/Mrs Right. We spend a years salary on our one special day, go through the stress of who to invite and who not to invite. Have arguments with our family over how the seating plan will work and make unpopular decisions because it’s our day and we’ll do it our way.

Then 2 years down the line the wedding planning is done the wedding has been had and the honeymoon feels dream like and the cracks begin to show. Now I can’t comment on these cracks as I've not been in the situation. However, I’ve been around enough divorces to give you an idea. Infidelity, fundamental differences of opinion, the realisation that the truth is, they were not the one even before the wedding. Then it’s over.

I wonder sometimes if it’s the fact we wait so long these days that causes the high divorce rate? Getting married at 18 means you grow into your individuality together, that you are molded by each other and perhaps that allows more toleration of each other and less fundamental differences. Maybe by waiting until our late 20’s and 30’s we become more ridged in who we are and less willing to compromise. It’s just a theory.

I do believe however, that couples these days don’t really sit down and look at marriage for what it’s true meaning is. We love each other lets get married, which although very romantic is not a reason to spend a fortune and say your vows. Remember the song ‘sometimes love just ain’t enough’ and it’s true. For a marriage to work you need so much more.

Before getting married you need to look at more than love you need to check your fundamentals.

Kids? do you want them, have you got them, what if you can’t have them, how long would you try, how much would you spend? If you aren’t on the same page with this it could easily tear you apart.
Health, one of your vows is, in sickness and in health, and sickness doesn't mean man flu. We have some very serious illnesses in our world today. What are your family histories is there something that’s likely to come up? Seriously look at the worst case scenario are you willing to do what it takes for this person to be there for them if that happened?
Money? What are your core beliefs when it comes to money? Do you want to spend and enjoy as you go or save for an early retirement? Money is one of the biggest sticking points in a marriage so check where you both stand before you say I Do.
Infidelity? Now the hope is you will both be on the same page with this one however, I think you’d agree that know one goes into their marriage thinking they are going to cheat. But it happens so what will you do to reduce the risk? from weekly date nights where technology is banned, to regular weekends away just the two of you. Plan to keep working on your marriage instead of getting lost in it.

A wedding is not the end, you can’t breath a sigh of relief; ‘I’ve got the ring awesome now I can stop trying so hard.’ The fact is now you have to work harder. Having a good idea of where you both are before you say, I do, will greatly help you both once you have said it. Life is hard, marriage is harder, to make it work you both have to want it and that means working through the tough times together.

©donnaeadephotography2017

Of course not every marriage ends in divorce, thank goodness, for that i’m truly grateful because I love love, and I love weddings and I love seeing older couples still so in love after years of marriage. So before you get engaged do your homework. How compatible are you? If you can’t listen to family on your compatibility then go to a relationship expert. If you’re truly committed to being together for ever then do everything you can to give yourselves the best chance at reaching that goal.

It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the romance, but sometimes it will save you heartache, money and time if you stop and think long term. Marriage is meant for until death do us part, not until you wind me up enough that I can’t stand to be around you anymore. Our grandparents say there was often times they hated each other but you can hated and love at the same time and they always came back to love.

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