Baseball On Its Last Out: How Liberals Are Trying To Destroy America’s Past Time

Good news, patriots! Baseball returned in all its glory this week! The long winter has ended and finally America’s past time has come back to the greatest country on God’s great earth.

It should come as NO SURPRISE to you that I am a big fan of baseball. It’s the only game more fair than the game of life. Did you know that in baseball if you hit a ‘sacrifice fly’ it doesn’t count against your batting average? That means if you hit the ball and make an out, it won’t count against your individual statistics if someone on your team is able to score off of it. Now that’s the kind of lesson we should be imparting to our children, Mr. Obama.

I also love baseball because it reminds me of the good old days in America. Thankfully, the game of baseball’s been the same since the early 1900’s. Baseball’s still about running around outside all day until your mom calls you in for dinner. Or listening to the Dodgers play the Yankees on the radio while you’re on your way home from work. It’s always been about being old fashioned — and being okay with being old fashioned. Baseball reminds me of the good old days, before players turned their hats backwards, or listened to (c)rap music or supported a Muslim president.

Can I get an Amen?

But apparently, my understanding of baseball is not good enough for liberals anymore. And “thanks” to them, America’s past time is on its last out, in the bottom of the ninth, staring at a full count. That’s right — a group of Americans want to destroy something as American as Apple Pie or Saving Private Ryan.

The liberals say baseball needs to change because it’s too slow, the games are too long,and there’s not enough action. These whiners say it’s not as fast-paced as football or basketball, when really that’s like comparing apples to oranges (or stars to stripes). Of course baseball’s not like other sports — that’s what makes it baseball! And that’s what makes it great.

And liberals complain because the game of baseball frowns upon flashy celebrations or fancy moves. They want more silly antics after every play, (yet they don’t see how THAT will slow the game down!). And now some the players are complaining, too, proving they, too have caught the mental illness of liberalism. Not going to lie, some of these new ball players make me miss the old days, when all the players cared about was honoring the game and their country and none of that other celebrity stuff.

Where have you gone, Joe Dimaggio?

If it’s not the game itself that’s “offending” liberals, it’s some of the teams! I saw that someone on ESPN today wore a “Caucasians” t-shirt. He said he thought it would show people who are not offended by the Cleveland Indians or Atlanta Braves team names that they should be offended.

Well guess what? This fella’s plan backfired, because his shirt did not offend me. I actually felt like he honored my culture and history (honestly, my people have done some pretty special things). Why not celebrate us? Regardless, I am very glad ESPN told him to zip up his hoodie later in the show to cover up this stupid shirt. Good job, ESPN. You’ve made me and people like me very proud.

We honor you

So let’s stop trying to change the game of baseball and just get back to loving it for what it’s always been: America’s past time. I truly love baseball because it’s all about the good old days. Nothing frivolous: just playing a game. If you start adding bells and whistles, I suspect you will lose a lot of the fans who look like me.

And that’s the kind of out that will count against your batting average.

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