The Belly Button Diet
I can still see my feet but you know what I can’t see? My belly button. It is at the lower tip of the iceberg that I call my belly. It does seem to have a wonderful view of my knees and feet though, doesn’t eat much, and behaves. I just don’t know if it is happy or sad as some other body parts are. My feet know my feelings by the way I walk, the bags under my eyes? Grumpy from lack of sleep. My mouth? Always can tell if I am happy or not, see this smile?
And I don’t even know if it is time to clean my button, in the old days it would just be there looking at me in the shower, little fuzz hanging out of the corner of its mouth just waiting for me to wipe its face. But now I can’t tell. We had some good times my button and I. It is now always in the shade, never gets sunburned and in some ways I feel sorry that it can not enjoy the feeling of a nice even tan. But for now, the dark side of the moon.
I guess we could do the mirror thing, but one problem, I am male and males do not use mirrors to observe their body parts, some things we just don’t want to know. Don’t know if there is gray hair on the back of my head, because I can’t see it, same with my belly button.
I think my belly button has also taken the course of various other parts of my body, chins, the flab under my arms, bags under my eyes, butt. And I think using the”out of site out of mind” defense works best for me at this point. From now on though I will have to depend on the water from the shower and gravity to take its course to keep my button in a healthy state.
The only thing I can think of using my button for? Lining up my putter when I golf, I know since my button is centered so will be my putter be. It may or may not help but I like to think it still gets a kick from being a part of the party.
I am not sure the best diet to fix this problem. Wasting my time spending years researching the subject, reading, writing, learning, then would come the testing phase for I need to make sure the diet is the best one for me. I am not excited about the this phase as there are a lot of questions to answer, am I allergic to this? Will my complexion change? God, am I really that moody? And exercise. Did you know that sweat is the acne of exercise? And unless you are already in shape there is no way you will look good doing it. Ever see a melted cheese ball in spandex? Not a good look. And how much chocolate can I use in a diet? Is beer allowed? Will I be sneaking food and be like a teenager trying not to get caught smoking? What will happen to Snickers bars? Should I sell their stock now that a diet is in my future? My house could become the homeless shelter for candy bars. Oh the humanity of it all. I don’t even know if I can live up to the expectations of it because there are too many rules and questions in the air.
But I now have come up with a solution, sort of. The “First belly Button diet” and weight loss measuring system. And what I have done is, by using a tape measure, put one end under your chin, hold it in place there. Measure down the front of your chest to where your belly starts to protrude from the rest of your body, hold the tape measure in place at the protrusion of the stomach and measure around to the center of your belly button and note the number, mine is 16 AND A HALF INCHES. HOLY SHIT! I don’t know why but I feel these numbers should scare you. Sure you could measure the waistline but for me it’s not the waistline making me buy shirts 2 sizes 2 big, it’s the dam refrigerator out front. And that is why I am going to use this measurement from now on.
Now suck it in and measure straight down as if you had a flat stomach, 15 inches, that is better and my target number but now my so called six pack looks like a 12 pack instead of a small keg, yuk. Inch and a half difference? Doesn’t sound to bad when you look at it that way. I don’t think these measurements have ever been considered before now but they are my measurements and I plan on trying to improve on them. Tomorrow!