This is terrifying to read. I had a life-changing, negative psychedelic experience with many similarities. I’d never considered it from a religious standpoint as I have been an atheist my whole life (up until recently).
(Warning: entirely unnecessary and absurdly long comment ahead!)
I had taken LSD a number of times at full and double doses at the time a friend was visiting. Never had any major negative experiences. We took less than half a standard dose each in the morning. By the time the evening rolled around, I felt back to normal and it was a fairly simple day.
We decided to vape some weed. After around 30 minutes, I became panicked and anxious. I left the room to try and calm down.
It was at this time that my vision went completely black and I was overwhelmed with dread. I went from feeling normal and grounded to a frightening psychedelic trip.
What confused me about the experience from here on out was the relatively small dose of LSD and weed which sparked it. I’ve taken over 4x more LSD in a single dose, but never have I experienced anything as dramatic or overwhelming. I still do not understand this.
I lay down in bed and started to feel what I can only describe as demonic claws ripping at my legs from the shadows. This continued into a sensation which I can only describe as being skinned from the tip of my penis down and across my whole body.
To this day it brings me to tears just thinking about it. It was so painful, and it felt so intentional. I felt like it was being done to me, not just happening. But when I opened my eyes and actually looked there was nothing there. The pain was so real but my eyes told a different story.
You described amnesia and the rolling on of days. This happened to me too. I felt in a loop. I had no concept of the passing of time and I felt as if my mind was floating away from any sense of reality. Every few minutes I would forget what was going on and it would all happen to me again.
In the momentary bursts of normality I did experience between these “loops”, I scribbled down a few notes to try and ground myself. Telling myself that I was high, that none of it is real, and that it would end soon.
It didn’t work.
“He can craft a unique and lethal dilemma to fit your mind precisely”
As I tried to ground myself with reason, reading my notes over and over, trying to grasp what was going on, I recognised the hopelessness. It felt like every step of logic my mind made was met with a dead-end.
Before I’d even form a thought to calm myself, it was met with a counter-point. If I thought “the pain is just in your head” — half-way into the thought a counter would appear. “So is every sensation.”
I recall this back-and-forth of reason ending with me almost having an orgasm, all stemming from an attempt to deny the reality of the pain I was feeling. A physical, real response to a sensation I was trying to dismiss as a falsehood. Completely shutting down my ability to deny the pain or to minimise what I was experiencing.
I should note that I have never met an entity when using LSD. I’ve felt the presence of something but I have never explicitly met a being. This experience was no different. However, the pain I was experienced almost felt like ethereal arms/hands/claws scratching and tearing at me. There wasn’t an entity, so to speak, but it was being done to me, not simply happening.
Anyway, it was at this moment, if my memory doesn’t deceive me, that I begged God to help me. Never in my adult life have I fully acknowledged God like that, or begged for His help. I’d been an atheist since my early teens. One of the annoying reddit type atheists.
Reading your post and the twitter replies was a real awakening. I never saw what happened to me through any lens other than one of insanity. A loss of control spurred on by my own recklessness (which is still certainly true).
I have been plagued by suicidal thoughts for much of my life but never as much as after my experiences with LSD. They made me feel great in many ways. Ways which pushed me to systematically, and unwittingly, dismantle everything I had worked for my entire life. I have lost most of my friends, all of my passions, everything that I felt I had to live for. All self-inflicted after “revelations” about life on LSD.
I have recently been researching Christianity seriously for the first time in my life. I have been considering joining my local Roman Catholic church as a way to find more meaning in life and to get closer to my community.
I had almost written off the prospect out of fear of the commitment, the intimidation of that level of responsibility. I’m still petrified, but looking back on that experience with more clarity and understanding makes me feel as if I already conceded my arrogance for faith.
Sorry for the long reply. I’ve never spoken to anyone about all of this. I can’t tell you how much of an impact your post has had! Thank you so much for writing it. I hope that my comment may resonate with someone else who feels lost.
