Finally, a Solution to Violence
The following is a transcript of a press briefing given on August 14, 2017 by the Hologram of Martin Heidegger, product of the Disney Corporation and employee of the Trump Administration.
I know for some of you, the events of the past weekend have been difficult.
This may have been the first time you’ve seen Fascists and Communists roaming the streets of America with automatic weapons.
Believe me, this is not my preference, nor is it the preference of Our Leader.
We wanted more time to get you ready. We were still preparing you. We knew that you had certain ideas in the way. You had the wrong kind of American exceptionalism, and you thought that armed militias roaming the streets was something that only happened in Third World countries.
But take heart! You are stronger than you think, and that’s what we’ve been trying to teach you.
You are ready for this new phase of Realpolitik. Deep in the endless cornfields of your heart, you are a fighter.
I know you have a lot of questions. Which bandanna should you wear? Which slogan should you scream? Is the swastika a kind of cross?
So many questions.
But this is why you must focus on the Orange One. He is the opposite of confusion. He is the One. The Single Answer.
Put on your red cap.
Scream “Make America Great Again!” This beautiful phrase gives Our Leader the room he needs to make it come true. Just scream it and he will tell you what it means, and then as circumstance requires he will make it mean something else.
Our Leader has openly condemned White Supremacy and Fake News Media in the same breath. He knows that what America needs now is Trump Supremacy and Trump Media.
Some of your agitation is due to a misunderstanding of Freedom and Democracy. Trump is the Will of the People. So, taking votes and making rulings only hinder Trump, and therefore the People, and therefore Democracy. The only way to save Democracy is to stop voting. The only way to save Freedom is to do what Our Leader tells you. And he will tell you which shooting is okay, which spraying is okay, which vehicular homicide is okay. You will no longer feel this anxiety that Sartre could never stop talking about, because you will lose the oppressive notion that you can choose any course. Eventually, “choose” will be a funny word in your mouth, meaning nothing except a thing you do to what you are fed.
And once you’ve achieved this, the street killings won’t bother you, because you’ll stop asking yourself what you can do about it. You’ll stop thinking about how Germany let itself be overrun by Nazis just because someone is waving a swastika around. Germany didn’t have Trump. Trump has his own brand, his own golden name, his own Struggle, and bombs that Hitler could only dream about.
You are safe now. You are a pebble in a stream of hate murders. Let the stream flow around you, and you will not be hurt.