Autocomplete: How to win family dinner

Note for people and super smart dogs: This is part of a thing called Autocomplete. Read the introduction. Read the one about babies.

How excellent that you wouldn’t need to know how to win family dinners if some had used birth control!

Hey, good job surviving Thanksgiving without talking about Donald Trump’s ongoing candidacy to be King but also Undercover Boss oh and President of the United States this year. Unless you’re unlucky enough to be a member of a family where that came up. Politics very nearly crept into the turkey chatter this year, but I defused that beeping disaster beautifully.

Admire my perfect technique:

[FADE IN]

[INT. LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON]

STEPFATHER: Man, I really don’t understand any of these politicians. Does it make any sense to you, Andy?

ME: Nope. I’m not paying attention to any of it.

STEPFATHER: (long pause)

STEPFATHER: So I’ve started trimming the hibiscus more often.

ME: (long pause)

[END SCENE]

Boom! That’s totally all it took. I’m pretty sure my stepdad and I agree about almost all things politically, but I am not here to sign people up for a Bernie Sanders phone bank. I am here to passively consume 4,000 calories and maybe some live footage of professional athletes skimming a few years off their lives with some thrilling closed head injuries. I am not looking to go any deeper than that on this day of rest. And I highly recommend you follow this technique as well!

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There are three completely safe topics for all family conversations this time of the year:

Weather
Try this template out: “Wow isn’t it super [Pick a non-controversial weather adjective: warm, cold, windy, icy, gentrified, chic, plaugey, etc.] outside? I know, right? Totally. Yes. I agree. Yep. Cool. So, uh, please pour more liquor and/or gravy into this mug for me? Thank you.”
Food
Don’t even use words here! The real master of food reaction keep everything to a single, endless syllable. I personally opt for “HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM” because it signifies profound satisfaction with the half pound of green bean casserole I just roomba’d into my gullet, but also shows off my intellectual side. That pale dumpster is really analyzing the damage he’s doing to his cardiovascular system!
Sports
Sports are fun* to talk about for everyone because they are super, duper meaningless, but lots of people care so much! Drop the name of a player from a previous decade or three and duck on out of that conversation! “Boy do I miss Joey Kocer!” you may offer up. Then, boom, your dad is talking about those hilarious McDonald’s Mighty Wings commercials for 45 minutes while you cleverly sleep under the buffet.

*Sports are fun if you’re from somewhere other than Detroit, Cleveland or Philadelphia. From one of those three chosen cities? Perhaps you could lighten the mood of a post-sports shouting session by trying to talk authoritatively about your local systemic social problems that you don’t have any actual understanding of! Be sure to do this in the most condescending way possible. What this GODDAMN CITY really needs is more fine leather goods stores!

Don’t know anything about sports? That’s okay. Just memorize the following list of the new FIFA Presidential candidates and have everyone speculate about what kind of pop music they would make:

Tokyo Sexwale
Prince Ali
Jerome Champagne
Sheikh Salman
Michel Platini
Gianni Infantino
David Nakhid
Musa Bility

Those are the actual names, guys! A hot whale playing a synth!

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Let’s review: You win by not engaging too deeply. Be lovely. Be “yourself.” Family dinner is scored like golf. Keep that experience minimal! Every time your brain has to work harder than breathing, eating and occasionally grunting, you have cost yourself a point.

You win by getting a bunch of hugs and sneaking in a nap and maybe bringing your own wine because mom this riesling you opened for Easter is actually just a fairly competent salad dressing now.

I recommend you apply these incredibly important lessons to upcoming Christmas (or whatever other, less tacky and maybe even potentially meaningful holidays you all celebrate! It’s a bulletproof plan!) meals and family get togethers you have planned.

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Come back next week for a thorough investigation of something deeply, deeply troubling:

Please send your FIFA pop imaginings to me on Twitter @andrewmdooley