A woman’s definition of masculinity

Warning: heavy language and disturbing links ahead!

I enjoy regular discussions with my friends on various topics, especially when they get heated, because it means that our minds are expanding to new ideas. However, it also shows us where our limits are, and we learn to accept that sometimes we view the same thing very differently.

This time, the topic was masculinity, where we discussed the contention that women prefer masculine men. Someone who will put them (women) into their “rightful” place, so to speak. My jaw instantly clenched at that contention, because in my eyes, it can’t be farther from the truth. There are two things that irritate me about that idea, and I’ll get into each one in detail.

1. It makes the distinction between a masculine man and just a man.
2. It supports incredibly vulgar, despicable, disgusting view on women.

I knew that in order to get to the bottom of my jaw clenching feelings about masculinity, I needed to research my topic in depths. I’m not sure how wise that was on my part, because the results are scary and I’m pretty sure I caused myself a stomach ulcer, a brain aneurysm and a desire to slit my wrists and end the pain, all in one go. I thought that I would just get a simple explanation of what the general consensus of masculinity or manliness is, but I realized that it goes far deeper than that, and it ain’t pretty. It doesn’t only put women in a very bad spotlight, but it also bashes men who don’t meet the proclaimed rules of masculinity.

Masculine man vs. just a man

One of the most irritating things that I often read and hear, either on TV, magazine or in person, is the ever important question: who wears the pants in your relationship? (often accompanied by annoying snickering, as if to assume that that’s just the rhetorical question.)

The easiest answer in my opinion would be: whoever the hell wants to wear the pants, wears them! But of course, that’s not what they mean. Instead, they want to know who has the “bigger balls”. And imagine the horror if it’s revealed that it’s the woman! Suddenly, a man is not considered masculine enough. He gets labeled as a nice guy, less than a man or a pussy. It doesn’t go well for a woman either, because she is then portrayed as a three-headed monster or, to put it simply, a slut (bitch, whore, cunt…) who thinks she has the right to breathe and, thus steal the precious air and dignity from her man.

So, what are the traits of a masculine man?

1. They don’t cry. God forbid you see a tear trickling down a man’s cheeks, and they instantly are reduced to acting like a woman, rather than a man. Such men are often told to “man up”, at first from their fathers, and later from their peers. Now, I’m not even remotely saying that I know what happens with all men who don’t cry later in life as a result of this horrible rule, but those I’ve observed have the following trait: they’re incredibly closed up, nervous and snap easily.
2. They’re aggressive. I don’t mean just physical violence here, which in and of itself I find revolting. I also mean verbal aggression, pointed towards “less masculine” men and, of course, women.
3. They accept nothing less than important careers, huge sacrifices and pain. Everything other than your own, highly successful company isn’t good enough, because in the eyes of a real man, men are being oppressed by women in the workplace. Let’s add to that the ultimate betrayal of masculinity: being artistic or musical, and god forbid you turn THAT into your career or admit you enjoy doing it! But then again, if you’re doing it only to get a woman into bed, that’s ok.
4. You don’t have 6 pack muscles, use steroids and don’t go to gym? You’re not a real man! Obviously, there’s a risk women will misjudge them as being gay, or a nice guy, just because their shirts successfully hold their muscles contained. Oh, the horror.
5. Real men don’t ask for help. Instead, they are encouraged to suffer in silence, and they’re being shamed if they so much as utter the word “help”. Society has put the pressure on them to be the ones who will fix things, and not talk about the issues they come across.
6. Only real men get laid. Somehow there is a very firm belief within masculine men that they’re the only ones who are capable of getting sex every time they want it. As opposed to good guys, who get friend-zoned (no such thing as a friend zone, IMHO) because they’re not playing the game. Apparently good guys don’t have the correct tactic in wooing men to bed. That’s ok, because good men don’t need to play games. They’re honest, and if both sides agree to have sex, pleasure ensues.

To be honest, the in-depth research of this topic has not changed my opinion that good, nice men are every bit as sexy, attractive and desirable as masculine men. In fact, even more so, and they are the only ones I’d ever consider having sex with and being in a relationship with.

Now let’s see what masculine men think of women:

1. Women should assign men the freedom to influence their sons and daughters about the real relationship between men and women, because “women are not to be trusted with responsibility.” This basically means that real men have the freedom to educate girls and boys from the earliest ages, that a woman’s worth decreases as she gets older, that her natural role is to give birth to multiple babies, and that she should strive to get married in her early 20-s. How nice of masculine men to think of our well being.
2. Moving on to woman’s freedom in the modern world. Let’s see a direct quote from a blogger Roosh V., who considers himself an expert in male-female relationships. This is his suggestion, in order to save women from themselves:

She must seek approval by her guardian concerning diet, education, boyfriends, travel, friends, entertainment, exercise regime, marriage, and appearance, including choice of clothing. A woman must get a green light from her guardian before having sex with any man, before wearing a certain outfit, before coloring her hair green, and before going to a Spanish island for the summer with her female friends.

If she disobeys her guardian, an escalating series of punishments would be served to her, culminating in full-time supervision by him.

Vomit bucket, anyone?

3. Masculine men love to think that a woman is turned on by their lack of interest, a bit of arrogance and dominance, often followed by sexual aggression. I don’t want to claim that I know everything that goes on in every woman’s head, and I know that everyone’s tastes are different, but for me there is no bigger turnoff than when a man is aggressive in any way, or tries to dominate me. Also, the hot/cold game is tiring and I’m not even remotely interested in it.

I’d love to point out that I don’t fully understand why the manosphere is such a toxic environment, where all the hatred for women is coming from, but I also don’t support women who made a career out of bashing men in general, who consider them to be the worst kind of people ever to have inhabited the Earth, to the point that they are disgusted and horrified when they realize they’re having sons, instead of daughters.

Having said all that, it’s time to define what I think is a masculine man:

1. He’s a man who understands and respects the word “no.” Nothing sexier than a man I know I can rely on.
2. He’s a man who is passionate about something. I don’t care what it is! It can be sex, it can be collecting guitar picks, snowboarding…if you have a passion and you’re pursuing it regardless of your skills, then I like you.
3. He’s a man who is my friend. I don’t mean a kind of “friend” who’s secretly waiting to persuade me to take off my panties whenever he gets the chance, and who knows the difference between talking openly about sex vs. catcall. I mean a friend I can call up, talk about everything under the sun, even if I know very little of it. A friend I can have fun with.
4. He’s a man who’s not afraid to talk about his problems. Because they matter, because it’s natural and because it’s masculine.
5. He’s a man who’s only dominant when we’re role-playing, but knows and respects my boundaries because heavy kink is not my thing, despite masculine men’s claims that a woman is secretly enjoying being tamed and beaten in bed.
6. He’s a man who communicates, instead of assumes and judges.
7. He’s a man who loves spending time with me for no other reason than because he loves my company, and who I love spending time with.
8. He’s a man who doesn’t think of me as a lesser human being just because he has a dick in his pants, and I don’t.

I would take a good guy over the masculine guy every single time, be it as a friend, lover or potential father of my child. I’d love nothing more than to raise a son, to teach him that he can be gentle and strong, good and masculine, emotional and respectful…all at the same time.

In the past, men were considered to be protectors of the home, the main provider and the authority. However, I believe that we have changed as a society enough to understand that putting so much pressure on men can be detrimental to both men and women.

It’s time to teach our sons, brothers and male friends that just because they’re respectful to women, vocal about the things that are bothering them or choose a career path that isn’t considered “strong” enough, it doesn’t mean that they’re less of a man, in any respect.