Our biggest lie is perpetuating that love is perfect. It is believing that people who you love and claim to love you in return, will do so completely and without flaw. The truth is, the people we love and who claim to love us, are the ones who hurt us the most.
I cannot help but look at love and relationships comically. What does love have to do with comedy? The complete irony that two people meeting and falling in love, in a short time could be the world’s biggest enemies.
It starts off with the butterflies, the excitement, the joy, the smiles, the touches, the hopeful uncertainty, the promise that THIS is different, it moves on to the compromises, the hurt, the feelings of unappreciation, the mini fights which turn into petty competitions, then comes the resentment, the breakups, the makeups, the harsh truths offered with no chaser, the numbing to previous hurtful insults, the hollow feeling that you made a mistake. This is love. This is what movies should show. This is the truth that we pretend doesn’t exist in the face of a fantasy depiction of what two people in love should be.
Love is a rollercoaster you hate riding but can’t get off because out of all the rides in the theme park, this is the one you whose drop you could deal with.
It is tough to love and even tougher to be loved.
Loving means you are opening yourself up to dissapointment. You have flung wide open the gates and given someone else the power to control your emotions, thoughts, moods and behavior. Their success or failure in fulfilling your uncertainties and insecurities, becomes paramount to your everyday. You wait to be validated, you hope to be loved just as deeply. You love so so deeply and want to know it is returned. Is it possible to love another completely without feeling anxiety? In the rare occasion that you love another with the same intensity as they do you, perhaps it is possible, but mostly, love and anxiety go hand in hand.
Being loved has it’s own challenges. You are responsible for fulfilling the expectations of the person who loves you, despite how realistic or logical it might be. Your response to their needs can make or break their mood. Your inability to connect to their uncertainties or insecurities leaves them feeling vulnerable and unloved. Even if you love them, the constant need to validate them becomes a burden to you. Their love becomes a burden that stops being about an “us” and more about them. How they feel? Why they feel? How if you just loved them enough, they won’t feel so alone.
Love turns sour when one person feels unloved and the other person bears the burden.
We love well when we accept Love for what it is. A beautiful, stressful, twisted, stinging, intense feeling that binds us so tightly to another. A feeling that keeps us forgiving the person who has the power to withold hurt. Take away the flowers and the candy, the lingerie and the great sex, the beauty of love is that somehow we feel bound to enduring hurt, insecurity and uncertainty from the person we love, who claims to love us.
Learning the truth about love might make us love less selfishly. When we are awash with feelings of love for another we automatically open ourselves up completely without question.
Question yourself, when you give too much love, you yearn for that same amount to be returned. You chose to put yourself in that position, why are you now anxious when you don’t recieve that amount in return?
Perhaps the one you love, loves you but has a different way of showing it. Perhaps the one you love needs more time. Perhaps the one you love has loved before and has learned it hurts less to jump off a cliff with a parachute.
It is selfish to demand of someone an expectation to mirror your love without questioning if your love is that great to begin with in the first place.
You hide your insecurities, vulnerability and need to be validated behind an avowal of commitment and love. That is selfish.
Love unselfishly by being aware of the pain that love will bring. Love unselfishly by loving yourself first. Love unselfishly by limiting your expectations of a perfect love, expectations of a love that will silence your self doubt and uncertainties. Love unselfishly by loving a person for who they are and how they are, and not how they can return your love.