Idiot Compassion
“Have you heard of idiot compassion”, says therapist #3 after hearing my initial elevator pitch for the referral to her.
“Ummm, no”. I slowly responded as my brain frantically synapsed to find the connection between idiot and compassion.
She continued for the next minute of our 60 minute session encouraging me to google Idiot Compassion when I got home to learn about it. The next 59 minutes were a blur. My head was swirling with the words compassion, self-compassion, idiot compassion. And it was all mixed up.
Her next nugget of sound advice was that I needed to develop self-compassion. That sounded simple enough. Afterall, as a pediatric oncology nurse, I was proud of my capacity to care for others oozing with compassion and empathy in my care for patients and families.
As the clock struck 60 minutes, I paid my bill and bolted to my car. I sat in the parking garage googling idiot compassion. Words started popping out of the screen like a bat out of hell.
Enabler
Lacks self-compassion
Unable to say ‘No’ when needed
Loose or no boundaries
Delusional
Was this me? Was I a delusional, enabling, boundary crossing, compassion idiot?
More googling:
The Dalai Lama, in his book, A Force for Good, says that ‘wise compassion includes self-compassion’
“Self –compassion. To cultivate genuine compassion, we need to take responsibility for our own care and have concern for everyone’s suffering — including our own” .
Pema Chodron says idiot compassion is ‘merely enabling’.
Susan Pivar’s words really resonated with me:
“ Compassion is an inner stance, not an external pose. We can only know the difference through an ongoing connection to our own heart. When we allow ourselves to feel, it is possible to detect what is most compassionate in any situation. When we are afraid to feel, it is not. So one could say that when we lean into our heart of hearts, we discover the fount of kindness. When we clamp down on our inner experience or avoid emotions, the path to kindness is also obscured. Kindness toward others is actually synonymous with kindness toward self.”
The intellectual, smarty pants in me did not, under no circumstances, want to be an idiot. I was wise, wasn’t I? I had been debriefing hundreds of EQ profiles with clients and KNEW the importance of balancing the care of self with the care for others.
How did I become a compassion idiot?
I began my career in nursing with a deep desire to help others. I had a strong urge, calling, purpose and drive to relieving the suffering of others. Working in pediatric oncology was challenging, rewarding and always a privilege.
Being a nurse was one of two highlights in my life…the other was becoming a mom. I immersed myself in my work and in motherhood. As life unfolded, I continued to care for others, take care of the needs of others, including the community, my husband, my family. I prided myself on my gifts of compassion and empathy. I was #strongindependentwoman #competent #dedicated #loyal #changeagent AND I was becoming #burnedout #exhausted #sick #numb #tired
Over the course of my career as nurse, leader, educator, coach and facilitator, I worked with many people, mostly women, in caring and helping professions. One commonality among most of us is we put others’ needs first before our own needs often at the expense of self. Whether we land into this as a result of our profession or we are drawn to the profession as a result of this innate quality, remains a question. Regardless, our efforts into ensuring the needs of others are met first is like a trophy without the perks of a statue adorning our mantle. If we have children, then our children’s needs come first, then the partner, then the household and so it goes. The “To Do” lists grow and adds more pressures that drift us further from caring for ourselves. We are ‘too busy’ or ‘have no time’ or ‘too tired’ or ‘don’t have any money’ or ‘don’t have childcare’ or ‘have to go in’ or ‘can’t let the team down’ and dozens of other reasons why the care for self is compromised. This is the perfect insidious pathway to idiot compassion. It impacts body, mind, heart and soul. It looks like numbing, burnout, pretend #happy and pretend #i’mfine.
As with all rising up stories, there is a ‘waking up’. Something snaps us out of delusion and numbing. For me, it was the collision of many unplanned events: death of my brother, learning of my husband’s 10 year double life, too many painkillers to stave off the pain of chronic illness, selling of house, moving from known community, ‘divine ejection’ from my job and a few more stressors that put me over the edge.
Reflecting back on my life, I would make the same choices and decisions, except I would have changed one thing. To LISTEN. To truly listen to my inner self, gut feelings, my heart and cultivate self-compassion — just like Therapist #3 said I should do. Self-compassion required a deep dive into truly caring for myself — body, mind, heart and soul.
Self-care is not to be confused with selfish.
Selfish is meeting your needs at the expense of others with a lack of empathy and disregard for others’ needs, emotions, and state. Selfish can lead to reckless behaviours that harm self and harm others. It can be mistaken for living in the moment or being present or “YOLO” or whatever the phrase of the decade is.
Self-care requires awareness and presence, paying attention to your ALL emotions, listening to your internal barometer and meeting your needs that does not harm others. Self-care involves having the courage to set boundaries of what serves you and what doesn’t serve you, having empathy and compassion for others while taking care of self. It is a balance of ME, YOU, WE, US. It is a hard choice especially for women who are caregivers by nature, with the added components of family, children, work, partners, community, global concern. AND it is a necessary, life-giving choice.
There is no magic bullet, no pill, no one self-help book, no inspirational quote, no exotic trip, no one therapist, no one pathway or 5 quick tips to cultivate self-compassion.
However, Kristen Neff identifies three elements to cultivate self compassion:
- self-kindness
- common humanity
- mindfulness.
I had my work cut out for me.
The journey was an inward one, with deep discovery, daily workouts of the mind, heart, body and soul. It was a journey that involved listening and paying attention to all emotions that arrived at my doorstep, noticing them, listening to their message, moving through them, letting it BE, surrendering to the moment and practicing loving kindness. It involved nourishing the body with healthy choices, elevating the mindset through stillness, meditation and presencing, tending to mending and nurturing the heart and partnering with nature to move the body, fuel the lungs, connect with the land and walk in AWE everyday.
This journey inward to the truest me was liberating, scary, and still unchartered. It was not to be tackled alone though. I am grateful for all the people who have stood by me, been there for me and with me, trusted in me, loved me and could truly see me more than I could see myself. Awakened consciousness is not mastery or perfection but rather a daily practice of being intentional, aligning with your higher purpose, listening from the heart, being ego-free and practicing self-compassion. Noticing each moment when I dip into self-loathing, is my invitation to rise up and be gentle, kind and loving to myself.
Thank you therapist #3. That day in your office was a turning point for me. I guess it was a beneficial referral after all!
