“You Don’t Understand.”
Wounded reactions and the benefits of listening to understand versus speaking to be understood.
Communication breakdowns are as old as the human race. A pure thought cannot be taken from one mind and placed in another, as communication always contains noise. Noise can be the spoken words, tones, written words from the speaker and the existing thoughts, beliefs, and emotions of the recipient.
Understanding and holding compassion for ourselves first and foremost is key in being able to more successfully hold a space of compassion for others. Acceptance of our biases, flaws, traits, and beliefs are some of the benefits that come with self work. Facing and embracing our shadows in a place of grace and love is a gift we can give ourselves that keeps on giving to the collective.
When we reach an area in our growth of slowing down to listen to and trust ourselves, we can begin to slow our wounded reactions. Everyone has triggers, but they are not the same as the next person. Emotional triggers can be used as a gift of opportunity to turn inward and examine the source, most likely a wound or belief, with compassion. When doing this *live* in a back and forth exchange with someone else, it can be a great tool in holding our power versus giving it away, and having successful outcomes.
Having a deeper understanding of ourselves also diminishes the need for external validation. Releasing the belief you must be understood by someone is a freeing, peaceful, and centered feeling. The hard work and self reflection most of us have to do to get there sets the stage of empathy when approached by someone screaming (sometimes literally) to be heard and understood.
Can we truly and fully understand what anyone else is saying / experiencing? In my opinion, we cannot. It goes back to the impossibility of communicating a pure thought. A pure emotion cannot be shared, as we all experience them differently for the same reasons as a recipient of a message. Is it possible to validate someone or something we don’t understand, or on another critical level, disagree with? YES. And the peaceful connection that comes with it is worth the effort.
Arriving at an exchange having done the self work not only sets the stage for empathy, but also for generosity and curiosity. It holds a quiet confidence, with a knowing that validating others’ experiences is not a compromise of self. When people feel unheard, they often get louder and more aggressive. Wounded reactions are common in exchanges where emotions run high. They happen most with the people close to us, who we are likely to be more vulnerable with. Reactions are also common in exchanges regarding highly sensitive topics such as religion, money, politics, and lately (in my personal work and experience) men vs women dynamics.
How do we validate another, especially in a potentially heated exchange?
Take the person at their word. If someone is telling you something happened to them, something or someone hurt them, believe them. Our perceptions of an event are influenced by our biases, but knowing that helps us be able to hold space for someone else’s reality, and validate it.
Recognize wounded reactions. This can be a true opportunity to test our own wounded reactivity. If someone is not clearly or vulnerably communicating their pain, it comes out as defensiveness, blaming, and attacks. While no one deserves to be abused, it is possible to hold space for this reaction if recognized and addressed with compassion. This is where curiosity can come into play. Asking questions to clarify their sentiment, particularly through personal experience, shows the intent to listen and HEAR them. When people feel heard and respected, the response has a better chance of moving from wounded reactivity to vulnerable honesty. Be sure you are authentic in your motives to hear them. Take that moment to recognize your own (potential, also likely) wounded reaction to theirs, and honor it before moving into a place of curiosity.
Use validating words. It can be as simple as a sincere “I believe you.” People are screaming to be heard, believed, and felt understood. They want their experiences to be accepted as real. Well, they are real. We are not here to argue or invalidate their perceptions, experiences, or emotions. Other phrases that can be used sincerely are “That sounds like a (tough, painful, scary) experience.” “I heard you say it hurt a lot when s/he did that. That’s valid.” “Is it fair or correct to say that was a painful event for you?”
Maintain boundaries. Actively listening to validate and understand is not a free pass for someone to abuse you. If moving into a space of compassion and curiosity does not automatically help them change their message delivery, state your boundaries clearly, firmly, and fully. “I want to hear you and am trying to actively listen. I will not tolerate (attacking words, accusations, profanity, personal insults, sarcasm, etc.) and we can continue with mutual respect.” If they continue to disrespect your boundaries, kindly end the conversation.
Accountability. We only have control over ourselves, but that gives us the greatest power of all. Recognize and honor your own wounded responses. Be accountable for your words and actions. Blaming only gives our power away. Hold others accountable as well. Respecting people’s autonomy and self authority is not only considerate of them, but of you.
Hold your frame. My divorce counselor was one of the most helpful people in accelerating my growth and desire for successful communication. “Stay in you own body” was a phrase he often used. Assuming or thinking for the other person was not allowed. This is where “I” statements are important, followed by a thought, then a feeling. “I think this conversation is turning into a personal attack, and that makes me feel disrespected” is staying in your own body versus “You are disrespecting me by attacking me!”
As noted earlier, I have been witnessing the breakdowns and wounded reactions between men and women. I’d like to give an example of how moving into a place of actively listening to validate and understand turned a heated exchange full of wounded reactions into a successful mutual acceptance of experiences.
Social media has allowed a space for the exchanging of words and ideas among tens of thousands of people, and strangers to boot. I am a part of a few groups geared toward provoking thought and growth. Plenty of wounded reactions to be had, including my own.
I have made note of a statistic that comes across my various feeds often- the increasing suicide rate of men. In 2021, the U.S. recorded the total reported suicides divided by gender as 4:1, men to women (source, cdc.gov Suicide Data and Statistics). I happen to fall into the age range most affected, 25–44 years, therefore interact with many men within that age group. I see many men saying, “We don’t share our feelings because women use them against us! They don’t hear us, they turn it around on us!”
Now, I intentionally use the word “see” for how how I noticed these statements, because I’ve read the general message in several places, and for awhile thats all I did. I saw it with my eyes … but I rejected it with my wounded reactions.
I personally know many women in relationships who wish, hope, and ask for their partner to be vulnerable with them. They desire for their partner to share their thoughts, dreams, and deepest feelings. This is all that came to my mind when I saw the men’s remarks. How could they say that? It’s just an excuse to stay closed off and blame the women, I thought. All these women want is for them to talk! Men are such victims, I’d think with an internal eye roll. I continually responded to them how wrong they are and sharing how women REALLY feel. I desperately wanted them to hear that and understand it. See anything inherently wrong with this approach?
Someone called me out accordingly. In a firm manner, he pointed out that I was invalidating experiences. In my initial biased reaction, his tone felt angry. I felt attacked and therefore defensive. I started a response to remind him that he didn’t have a place to tell a woman how women are … but I paused in an uncomfortable moment to let his words sink in. He was right. Instead of hearing their messages as their truths, I was doing exactly what they were saying women do. I was proving their point to be correct. How could I remedy this?
I decided to lean into the discomfort and move to a place of curiosity. I validated his words and asked about his experience. While he declined to share details, he confirmed he could relate to the men’s frustrations. The exchange became a back and forth to share thoughts in a way that we both felt heard, and ended with appreciation. It felt like a win all around.
Practicing listening to understand is just that for me- a practice. Discovering the benefits of this practice is what keeps me open to more opportunities to lean into the discomfort and move into curiosity. There is much to gain in connecting to our fellow humans and making them feel genuinely heard.
Listen to yourself first, with compassion and love. Recognize and embrace emotional triggers to slow wounded reactions. Give yourself grace for being human and look for the beauty in making mistakes. A common limiting belief is that there is a lack of space for everyone’s feelings and emotions. However, the compassionate space we continually create for ourselves undoubtedly creates more space for others.
