The Big Ass Debacle

We’re driving down Shelbyville Road to run an errand, my husband at the wheel. He pulls to the slow lane and says, “Well, the driver behind me is in a big-ass hurry. I’ll let him pass right now.”

Instead of complimenting him for his restraint and driver-ly manners I was struck by his word choice. I responded, “Wouldn’t Big-ass Hurry” be a great name for a band. Then the band members could always say they are in a big-ass hurry.

I noticed the car in question, which now was half a car length in front of us in the slowest lane, was a Nissan Rogue. A new Lincoln, masquerading as a Porsche-wanna-be, directly in front of us. A Sequoia blocking any view beyond. A swaggering Durango to our left. My mind wandered: how do they come up with the names for vehicles?

Wouldn’t “Big Ass Hurry” be a better name than Rogue or Durango? Who wouldn’t want to drive a Big Ass Hurry? Wouldn’t other drivers just move out of your way if you were in a Big-Ass Hurry? And, the driver could truthfully say while driving, “I’m in a Big Ass Hurry.” Maybe the name would be shortened to the acronym.

So many other possibilities for BAH I should trademark the name and the acronym. Or maybe get the rights to the web site. Or all of the above.

Then I could use the President's strategy — make millions by letting people use the name.

A bar named “Big-ass Hurry”. A drink similarly named. BAH steaks that always are served rare because the diner is always in a …well, you know what. BAH, the university where the short time in which you get your degree is the whole point.

An airline named Big Ass Hurry might not always be on time. But at least you’d know they were trying. “Sorry I’m late. My flight was delayed by three hours. They lost my luggage and we circled Chicago for an hour. But I was on Big Ass Hurry Air.”

After moving over for the Rogue in a big-ass hurry, we stopped to get a drink and a snack. But neither were named “big-ass” or “hurry’. The drink I had, a mojito, and the restaurant were both named Mojito’s. So there’s something.

After one mojito we found putting “big-ass” in front of almost any noun was funny. Gas prices had gone up overnight to $2.59 a gallon — a big-ass rip off. Though one service station hadn’t yet gotten the price increase memo; the price was just $2.13, you guessed it — now a big-ass bargain.

You might ask what our original errand was. We went to get a new seat for my stationary cycle. The seat I bought is “nose-less” so there’s no part to chafe one’s inner thighs. The new seat is pretty big ass. Literally.

Here, where I could correctly use the title of this post to describe what I hope to avoid becoming, I think I’ll just say I’m trying to improve my health and fitness.