Low
When I’m sitting around the house, with nothing to do
There’s this feeling I get, my perspective gets skewed
To describe it in color would best be with blue
Every time absolutely sure that the feeling isn’t new
This dark cloud in my mind, a presence unequaled
Doesn’t hurt but I hate knowing its gonna have a sequel
I can’t even really fathom what the heck was the prequel
No source to be found
Though some events could confound
Me
Make me feel this type of uneasy
Could attribute them fault but I’d still feel real queasy
Like I’m always alone
Even within the walls of my home
Forever trying to avoid it from entering my tone
Appearances must be kept up
Feelings have to stay locked up
Nobody wants a downer so I really have to shut up
Friends and family are blessings
But social relationships get messy
Always paranoid about whether people want me in the setting
You can tell me its stupid, that I’m definitely wanted
But all I think about is how much my personality is stunted
I get tired in groups
My head always spins the same loops
And my paranoia gets seared in as if its some undisputed truth
I really try to keep it loose
Tell myself that their concern is proof
But the second I step away, *Poof*
There it is, the feeling comes back
Like all the progress from hanging out was just slack
And the tension sets in, “Did I say something wrong?
Will they avoid me after this? Was I right to fear all along?”
I guess I’m perpetually afraid that as hard as I try to build a bond
That if I step away for a moment those friendships will abscond
Like thieves
In the leaves
That weave
A lack of reprieve
For those dumb thoughts
And instead take from my few pots
Of happiness, steal from me the joys
I earned like the day fate once took my toys
So I prefer small groups, but I get too attached
Take my friends not responding as a personal attack
Understanding that a lot of times I need to take a step back
And I do, except when I meet someone that throws me off track
Who I want to spend all my time with, and I know that its wack
But by the time I realize it there’s no turning back
Either sever ties and return home to be alone in my shack
Or keep going knowing physical pain’s the only kind that I’ll lack
Mornings come and I get up to look in the mirror
And see disappointment and self-loathing come nearer
Of course I don’t deserve friends, and God forbid I feel nearer
That I’ll end up alone is the one thing of which I feel sure
Even though I hope it isn’t true, I feel that fear to my core
Forever looking up but expecting nobody at the door
Inside me I’m sure there’s a war
Between the demons within and the me I adore
But sometimes I guess me doesn’t know what its fighting for
And the demon always figures it can push a little more
Creating opportunities for jealousy
Every slight pause filled with misery
I begin to think the ones who made me happy did some kind of wizardry
But I realize the source
While I show all of this remorse
And occupy myself until my mental voice is just hoarse
From the work, reaching out to help those I’m around
Draining myself so that there isn’t energy for the demon to rebound
But I worry that one day
When all the distractions go away
And I’ll be forced to be alone and with only me I would stay
The demon inside will wake up again and look at Aabid and say
“Hello old friend it seems you’ve arrived at the end of your way”
The real fear is there won’t be anyone to hold my hand then
That I’ll have severed it all away and be left with no friend
All I ask for is one person who can bring this dread to an end
But the thought seems useless when I fall down again
