Low

Aabid Shivji
Jul 24, 2017 · 3 min read

When I’m sitting around the house, with nothing to do

There’s this feeling I get, my perspective gets skewed

To describe it in color would best be with blue

Every time absolutely sure that the feeling isn’t new

This dark cloud in my mind, a presence unequaled

Doesn’t hurt but I hate knowing its gonna have a sequel

I can’t even really fathom what the heck was the prequel

No source to be found

Though some events could confound

Me

Make me feel this type of uneasy

Could attribute them fault but I’d still feel real queasy

Like I’m always alone

Even within the walls of my home

Forever trying to avoid it from entering my tone

Appearances must be kept up

Feelings have to stay locked up

Nobody wants a downer so I really have to shut up

Friends and family are blessings

But social relationships get messy

Always paranoid about whether people want me in the setting

You can tell me its stupid, that I’m definitely wanted

But all I think about is how much my personality is stunted

I get tired in groups

My head always spins the same loops

And my paranoia gets seared in as if its some undisputed truth

I really try to keep it loose

Tell myself that their concern is proof

But the second I step away, *Poof*

There it is, the feeling comes back

Like all the progress from hanging out was just slack

And the tension sets in, “Did I say something wrong?

Will they avoid me after this? Was I right to fear all along?”

I guess I’m perpetually afraid that as hard as I try to build a bond

That if I step away for a moment those friendships will abscond

Like thieves

In the leaves

That weave

A lack of reprieve

For those dumb thoughts

And instead take from my few pots

Of happiness, steal from me the joys

I earned like the day fate once took my toys

So I prefer small groups, but I get too attached

Take my friends not responding as a personal attack

Understanding that a lot of times I need to take a step back

And I do, except when I meet someone that throws me off track

Who I want to spend all my time with, and I know that its wack

But by the time I realize it there’s no turning back

Either sever ties and return home to be alone in my shack

Or keep going knowing physical pain’s the only kind that I’ll lack

Mornings come and I get up to look in the mirror

And see disappointment and self-loathing come nearer

Of course I don’t deserve friends, and God forbid I feel nearer

That I’ll end up alone is the one thing of which I feel sure

Even though I hope it isn’t true, I feel that fear to my core

Forever looking up but expecting nobody at the door

Inside me I’m sure there’s a war

Between the demons within and the me I adore

But sometimes I guess me doesn’t know what its fighting for

And the demon always figures it can push a little more

Creating opportunities for jealousy

Every slight pause filled with misery

I begin to think the ones who made me happy did some kind of wizardry

But I realize the source

While I show all of this remorse

And occupy myself until my mental voice is just hoarse

From the work, reaching out to help those I’m around

Draining myself so that there isn’t energy for the demon to rebound

But I worry that one day

When all the distractions go away

And I’ll be forced to be alone and with only me I would stay

The demon inside will wake up again and look at Aabid and say

“Hello old friend it seems you’ve arrived at the end of your way”

The real fear is there won’t be anyone to hold my hand then

That I’ll have severed it all away and be left with no friend

All I ask for is one person who can bring this dread to an end

But the thought seems useless when I fall down again

    Aabid Shivji

    Written by

    Not an expert, but I write sometimes.