20 years with a sociopath…the Awakening
Freight train? Sledge hammer? Other cliched combinations of mass times acceleration?
None of these come close to the sheer enormity of realising you have been the victim of a sociopath for 20 years. Marriage for 17 of those and 3 kids in tow.
The orange shades of morning are carpeting the mountain peaks in the distance. Church bells singing in the morning.
It’s time to wake up.
Time is accelerating, the last months have been a blur. Two psychopaths sent into my professional life to wreak havoc. My startup survived both of them. The first one was extreme: pathological lying (behind my back and to my face), extreme word salad and goalpost-moving (this will all be familiar to the psycho-initiated). His spirit was pure ego, yet he did such a good job of covering it up: the emotion-mimicking, constant intellectual jumps to keep everyone guessing. Saying all the right things, in spades. Yeah, he had me well and good for a while too.
But he overstepped the mark, the game was up and it was the first true sign I received for my Awakening. For this I am grateful to him. This was the first genuine step in realising I had been in a relationship with a sociopath for 20 years.
So both the psychos were very clear messages to me: “If you don’t wake up now and realise your calling, Light Worker, you are just fucking dumb!”
So I awoke.
But it didn’t happen with the first psych, nor the second. The process took a few months.
One day, as the amorphous blob of clues began to take form and meaning, I stumbled upon this: https://themindsjournal.com/stages-relationship-empath-narcissist/ . “The 22 stages of relationship between and empath and a narcissist.” Must have read it four or five times. I was thinking “er, this is, like…me. Yeah, like every single stage, and there are 22 of them. Did someone get inside my life and pull this out??”
Now, over 15 books later on antisocial personality disorder (Narcissism, Sociopathy, Psychopathy) and countless YouTube videos, everything seems so clear. The patterns repeat, can spot ’em a mile off now. The identification I felt on reading the “22 stages” is typical for every victim when the moment of realisation comes: we all think the blog/post/book is about us, the individual. It’s not. It’s about the empathetic spectrum, the spectrum of abuse targeted by the narcissists / sociopaths / psychopaths, who happen to share this planet with us.
And yet I was utterly blind for 20 years, stumbling along in what I perceived as the most intimate relationship of my life. How could this have happened??
And that’s just it…the love was only ever what I perceived it to be. But isn’t all love? Well, no! The rules are pretty basic, I’m still working out why I just totally ignored them for so long. It’s about the 3 “r’s”: reciprocity, reciprocity and reciprocity. That’s either given, or it isn’t.
So I have just awoken from a 20 year dream which turned into a nightmare. Things went “great” as long as I was adequately feeding my partner’s narcissistic supply (the usual shit: money, status, “success”, beautiful kids blah blah blah). Then about four years ago things got tough. Money became scarcer. I became scarcer, had to travel a lot. And then the game changed. The devaluation began. The covert remarks at the dinner table. The systematic denigration of every element that had been used in the initial “idealisation” phase, as she built me up and mirrored all my projections in order to create the Illusion of Love (Jesse Marchant…best album of the year…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-V2NL4Cb_cU …now I really know what it means!). The negativity continued. I put it down to depression, tried to build her up…couldn’t not have chosen a worse course of action.
I was always trying to fix things, but she never had any interest in fixing anything. Thriving off chaos, it defines relationships for her. My efforts just fuelled further supply.
Then, over time, the children started to echo the devaluing remarks. Parental alienation had begun. I began to feel like a stranger in my own house. Constantly under attack from my nearest and (I still thought) dearest. Stress levels began to rise, and carried on rising.
Now here I sit, the orange horizon is grey, white, pastel blue. The day is here.
I am Awake. Reborn. Wiser. Stronger.
This has been my spiritual awakening, as a Light Worker.
“We are not here to save others, but to inspire those who are ready to ascend.”
Works for me. And the abuse is over.
Now I take my first steps on the long road to recovery.