Ethan Couch.

Remember that name, because in a few years you’re going to turn on the tv, flip to the news, and see this little jackoff’s name. I’m not quite sure for what, exactly, the news story will be in reference to, but it will be something criminal. Drinking and driving, drugs, whatever. But it WILL be something.

Ethan Couch.

Say it to yourself, because this 16-year old is the new poster boy for America: The Land of the Great Financial Divide. This kid who probably just got laid for the first was involved in one of the most pant’s shittingly ignorant court decisions I’ve heard.

You see, on June 15th, 2013, Master Couch and two friends stole beer from a local Wal-Mart — surprisingly so, because, you see, Ethan’s family is rich. Quite rich, actually. You’d think his little gang would steal from a higher end store, but I guess even rich kids go slumming. So, about three hours after they stole the beer, Ethan was driving his pick-up truck down the road with his two friends in the bed of the truck. He veered off the road, hit a group of people pulled over to help a young motorist, and killed all four. Then his pick-up struck a parked car, which slide into another vehicle headed in the other direction. His two friends were thrown from the bed of the truck. One of them is unable to walk or talk because of traumatic brain injuries, and the other suffered internal injuries and broken bones.

Yeah. That’s pretty fucked up.

And three hours after the crash, Ethan’s blood alcohol level was .24, which is three times the legal limit. Go ahead and read that last sentence again.

In case you missed it — it was three hours AFTER the crash. That kid was Lindsey Lohan fucked up when he killed those people. But still, drinking in driving, in TEXAS. At least we can have comfort in the fact that the notoriously heavy handed judge’s of Texas don’t go easy on this sort of think.

Yeah, except that the kid got 10 years probation and no jail time. Not a single fucking day. And since, I’m willing to bet, his wealthy father bailed his ass out pretty fucking quick, this kid didn’t even spend enough time in jail to relieve his impending beer shits in a county toilet. Nice, huh.

And as fucked up as the sentence was, the defense attorney’s argument was the true moment when this little piece of news jumped the shark. After I found out about that, the verdict was just a fuck-you-more moment.

Defense Attorney Scott Brown, who should be nominated for douche bag of the year, argued that Ethan suffered from Affluenza. And apparently that’s an actual word because my computer didn’t highlight it red. Ethan’s attorney called a psychologist to testify that Ethan suffered from Affluenza, which, according to the doctor, is a product of wealthy, privileged parents who never set limits for the boy.

So, basically, this kid got off because he was legally declared a fucking brat.

Now, I am by no means advocating giving him the max sentence of 20 years. Not at all. But, BUT, he should have been given some form of time behind bars, because if he’d been a poor black kid they wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

And then, just to top off this shitshow with something that would make Satan double take and ask ‘huh’, Defense Attorney Scott Brown said, and I fucking quote: “There is nothing the judge could have done to lessen the suffering of any of those families.”

H-O-L-Y FUCKING CHRIST. This guys got brass balls that hang to his knees. How about actual fucking justice — that would be a good start. Or, if that’s too abstract a concept for you, how about a verdict that makes fucking sense. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? You weren’t satisfied with the fact you won despite common decency and sense, that you had to basically, politely say, fuck you. Go fuck yourself Scott Brown, and you can quote ME on that. Fucking asshole, keep your fucking mouth shut and skulk back into a corner smiling like the grinch. First off, you’re a defense attorney, which basically makes you part of *the* problem, but then you go and say something like this. Come on man — you won — too late to act like you give a shit.

I know, right — a lot of information to take in, huh? I read this news story on everyone’s favorite news paper, Facebook, and was flat out floored. I googled it and read separate articles on CNN and even Fox News, and was still amazed. I couldn’t believe this actually happened, but once I thought about it I shook my head and sighed, because deep down it doesn’t surprise me. What got me was how blatant and ballsy it was. Had they not used the whole affluenza excuse — because that’s what it is, an excuse, and fuck psychology — I may not have even commented on this story short of shrugging and saying something to the effect of “Yeah, money buys you everything in this country”. But when I read the defense’s argument I felt insulted. It’s not enough that money buys you freedom in America, now you’ve got to hide behind some bullshit medical excuse. Fuck you, pay off a judge and walk away like the rest of the rich cockstains do. Don’t try to legitimize it with fancy new words.

I don’t know anymore. I really don’t. This is why I don’t watch the news. Every time I do it just pisses me off more and more, and this news story just hit a cord, I guess. But I do think there is some way to make this into a problem for those who created it — especially the wealthy.

Poverty Pox.

Yeah, Poverty Pox. If this Scott Brown fella can argue that a rich kid with privilege can, literally, get away with manslaughter because of his lack of understanding to consequences, then poor people should be able to use the Poverty Pox defense. Makes sense to me — and since they’ve used affluenza as a claim then it sets this little thing called a president. Now everyone can use a form of this claim and, maybe, escape justice.

So, if you’re a poor black kid from Newark who gets busted selling crack, don’t worry — just stand in front of the judge and say you have Poverty Pox. Because of a lifetime of being desensitized to violence and crime and seeing your own people, neighbors, and friends get fucked over by the system, you have developed a skewed perspective of what is right and wrong.

Let’s see how many rich white republicans think its perfectly acceptable when THEIR kids die and some poor black kid gets away with it because of Poverty Pox. A couple of those cases and you’ll see the laws change pretty fucking quick. I’m also working on an idea for a Middle Class Measles defense, but that one’s still in the think tank.

So, in closing, I’d like to say I hope this kid gets his shit together and realizes what he did was fucked up and completely and utterly WRONG. Then again, a judge who was convinced he was too spoiled gave him probation instead of prison, so I’m fairly certain that he isn’t learning that lesson anytime soon. That screams WHAT YOU DID IS OK BECAUSE YOU’RE PRIVILEGED, but then again, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’ll find Jesus and atone for his sins. Or maybe he’ll get real depressed when the rehab center doesn’t have an X-Box One and commit suicide.

One can hope.

Now, before I close this post and call it a night I’d like to mention those who’s lives were ended by the spoiled twat. Because in typical American fashion, they skimmed over their names and focused on good ol’ Ethan and his adventures in drunk driving.

Hollie Boyles

Shelby Boyles

Brian Jennings

Breanna Mitchel

My sympathy is with your family for the bullshit their being put through by our ‘justice system’, and for the sad and senseless way your lives were cut short by a spoiled kid who escaped punishment. Your story is the definition of fucked up and I can only hope your families can somehow find closure despite what transpired.

Oh, and one last thing — fuck you Judge Jean Boyd, because you were either too stupid to see through that flimsy argument or you were paid off. Either way you need to second guess not only your career, but also your ability to reason.

That is all. Goodnight.

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