Re-imagine this, you son of a bitch!

I’m 32 years old, and if you’re within a few years of me — older or younger — then you’ve no doubt noticed that advertising and movies are pretty much aimed at us these days.

Our generation is being given the nostalgia treatment, especially in Hollywood, and although I’ve noticed this trend, I’ve never cared much — until tonight. You see, about an hour ago, I was bored. My wife was hanging out with our new born son and watching Law and Order with her sister and since I think that show is heinous I decided to retire to the bedroom and put on a movie I enjoyed. For christmas this year my wife bought me the entire Friday the 13th series so I figured, fuck it, I’ll watch one. As a side note, I think she got them for me more as an excuse to erase them all from our DVR without an argument then she did because she knew how much I loved them, but that’s a separate issue all together. Regardless, I changed into my sleeping cloths, popped in Part 7 and settled in to watch an old favorite, and while watching it, during the intro narrative fleshing out all that has happened from part one until seven, I opened up IMDb on my phone, looked up Friday 7 and rated it. I rated it 9 out of 10, just so we’re clear, because it’s my favorite of the series and, had the MPAA not butchered it, I believe it would have been a hallmark for the slasher genre. After I had rated it, the app asked me if I’d like to share it on Facebook, and, since I’m a millennial, I did.

Within a few minutes, a Facebook friend of mine, and a helluva talented poet, Philip LoPresti commented on my post — chiming in on how he loved the series and how he wanted them to release the series uncut, to which I agreed. Then we went back and forth for 35 comments discussing our thoughts on the series and all kinds of other shit. I’m not going to get into everything we discussed because I don’t feel like it, most of it is irrelevant, and quite frankly it’s a weird thing to do, so let’s just move on. Eventually, however, Phil asked me if I had heard about the Friday the 13th sequel — and by that I mean a sequel to the 2009 Michael Bay shit show they made.

This was my response to that question:

“Yeah and at this point I really could care less.

The remake or reimaging or whatever the fuck they called the one in 2009 was a fucking joke. It was Part 1–3 amalgamated into a modern version- which I’m not against but they literally did nothing new. At all. Unless you count Jason as a pot farmer as something new.

And the tunnels underneath the camp wwre just a little too Texas Chainsaw for my taste but were at least an attempt at something new.

However, after hearing about the new movie, then hearing it wasn’t going to happen, then hearing it would be found footage, then hearing it wouldn’t have Jason, then hearing it would have Jason….I just don’t care anymore. Personally, the only thing the 2009 Michael Bay version showed me was that a higher budget actually hurts these type of movies.

Part 7 had a 3 million dollar budget and it looked amazing. These movies should be done relatively quickly, with a low budget, and a hungry new director at the helm. either that or an established director who understands it’s a slasher movie.

This entire idea of big budget slasher movies is fucking asinine.“

Now, ultimately, the entire quote has nothing to do with my point, but i wanted to share it and there wasn’t enough for a post unto itself so you got to read through it because I’m writing this and you’re not.

However, my point, and the point we hit on during our facebook discussion is, when we were kids we used to have Friday the 13th marathons. Remember those? I sure as fuck do. Every Friday the 13th USA Network would do a marathon and show just about every movie, or, at least, a bulk of them. I remember treating that shit like a holiday. I’d have a friend stay the night and we’d stay up all night, drink Mountain Dew and eat brightly colored snacks and be fucking kids, enjoying a genre we loved so much. I can’t remember whether they ever had the marathons on USA Up all Night, but while we’re on it, that show was awesome too, and so were Rhonda Sheer’s breasts.

Then they just stopped.

And, now, with Hollywood getting a Holy Wood for remaking our childhoods, they’ve gone about bringing back GI Joe, Thundercats, Transformers, even the fucking Smurfs for christ sake — yet they can’t seem to bring back these marathons. Shit, I haven’t seen Joe Bob Briggs on tv in over a decade and that guy was a fucking genius.

This all makes me sad.

Sure, I loved Thundercats as a kid and the remake was good. Wasn’t great, but it was never going to be. The reason we hold these things in such high esteem is because we watched them young. Remaking them is always going to disappoint us, because its pure nostalgia, and nowhere in that ‘new’ experience is the excitement of being a kid.

We’re adults now. We’re that old truck driver from Friday the 13th part one telling the kids to beware. We’re the authority the teens in those movies don’t trust.

To be honest, this post really has no point, at least I don’t think it does and if it turns out to have one it was purely accidental. I had a facebook discussion with a friend, an idea sparked in my head and I went about writing it down. That’s really it. Hopefully you enjoyed reading it and feel the same way I do, because in the end I do still want to see Joe Bob Brigg back on tv, hosting Monster Vision because that show is great no matter how old you are. And if this post does have a point its this:

STOP remaking everything and come up with some new shit. Leave Friday the 13th alone — we have 11 movies and thats more than enough. And while you’re at it, remake the idea of remaking things, and by that I mean come up with original shit. Otherwise my grand kids will be watching the 10th iteration of Taylor Swift when they’re in their 30s.

Except Monster Vision — bring that shit back immediately.

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