If It Happened Then…
A brief history satire adapted from the Slate.com foreign policy feature “If It Happened There.”
2015 will enter history books as a landmark year in the story of the gay right’s movement. That’s when, after same-sex marriage was legalized by popular referendum in Ireland, people began to be gay with a fervor never before seen in Europe. It was the culmination of a long, hard dedicated campaign to convert everybody.
“If It Happened There…: The latest installment of a continuing series in which American events are described using the tropes and tone normally employed by the American media to describe events in other countries.” — Slate.com
The first European country to become gay was The Netherlands, in 2001. From there, the gays spread out to Belgium, taking neighboring countries by storm. By 2005, missionaries has sailed to Canada, preaching their vision of a gay lifestyle. One year later, their powerful message had even taken hold in South Africa.
The meteoric rise of the gays across the globe still puzzles sociologists and cultural historians. Many have sought explanations for the rise of homosexuality in the superiority of gay teachings, which emphasize the importance of daily hardship and martyrdom in the face of social aggression. Others have stressed the moral bankruptcy of straight life, which left many people throughout the world clamoring to join the new movement. Some believe the gays have given comfort to societies that have been deeply longing for an alternative to their staid, stale, and stifling heterosexual customs.
The numbers tell their own story. According to one analysis, the gays are soon destined to outnumber straight people in many regions of the globe. The implications for the straight community are dire. As heterosexuals decline, straight violence is also predicted to be on the rise, as the gays take political control of major world capitals. Some worry that the straight lifestyle will now, inevitably, be outlawed. This process, which commentators have begun to call “gayification,” or “gayzation,” has already toppled monarchs.
Queen Elizabeth II of England — spiritual head of the historic Church of England, founded in 1534 — converted to being gay in 2013. The Queen’s embrace of the gay lifestyle marks a stunning reversal of centuries of established tradition on the island.
The previous, Christian way of life had dated back to 313 A.D., when — according to historians at the Museum of the City of London and also the British Museum — Christianity became the official law of the land and everyone began converting to the new, “exciting” religion.